


Music and Lyrics

by Rin1010



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Love/Hate, Music
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-05-19 14:22:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 63,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5970172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rin1010/pseuds/Rin1010
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story where music is the head and lyrics are the heart. </p><p>Lexa is the young CEO of her belated father’s record company. She has learned to lead with her head instead of her heart. It is how she has managed to become so successful. </p><p>Clarke is a young politician’s daughter who just wants to see her friend’s job saved. She finds that it’s more than just about one person, though, and she wants to do what is right for the world.</p><p>The two find themselves entangled in a political/business warfare that neither is fully prepared to face alone, but together, they just might find that combining music and lyrics are what truly make a great love song.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Chapter One

 

_“We can play music for hour and hours/But the sun’ll still be coming up soon.”_

_– Head and the Heart, “Let’s Be Still”_

* * *

 

            When she was younger, Lexa had two things she loved: when her father played guitar and when her mother would sing. After her father passed when she was twelve, Lexa lost both of those things. People throughout her life would tell her that music ran in her blood or that her bloodline ran deep with the music. At eleven, Lexa would have believed them, but at twelve, she could only stare at them without any emotion because that is what she thought she had to do. Music was how their family expressed emotion; it was their business, but she learned quickly that the business had been failing. If she was expected to keep the business going, then she would have to remove emotion completely or else she would never survive.

Her mother was no different. She stopped singing, so every interaction after that was seemingly collected and devoid of any real emotion. Lexa quietly observed what was happening but was still too young to understand. She knew that now, but at the time, she blamed herself for her mother’s suicide. Pills mixed with alcohol, and Lexa was the one to find her when she got home from school that day. She hadn’t called anybody for hours, just sitting there alone curled into her mother’s body and wanting the emotion to leave her own body completely. She had already felt alone in their house for a little over a year, which made her slightly angry that she cried herself to sleep clutching her mother’s dress. Her mother’s body was cold and Lexa missed the warmth she used to feel, but she woke up still clinging to her mother, wiped the eye makeup that had stained her face, and called her uncle Gustus.

She would always have the royalties from her father’s songs to keep her, but she wanted nothing to do with his company because all she could see was that it tore good people apart. It was already failing, she had learned, so why would she try to save it?

From there, Lexa was asked too many questions for a thirteen year old to understand or truly grasp, but her uncle assured her that everything she did was for the best. He had always said she was wise beyond her years and more mature than most adults he had met in his life. His little warrior, he had used to call her growing up. Lexa was thirteen, orphaned, and the heiress to a music empire. While she finished school and college, Gustus would be proxy and lead the company, since he was already a successful businessman. He led with his head and not his heart, and Lexa learned how to control her emotions so that she could one day lead her father’s company into greatness. Love was weakness. It had caused her father’s heart to fail because he loved too much and it had killed her mother because she had loved her husband too much. Lexa didn’t want to dwell on the fact that her mother didn’t love her enough to stay.

Her cousin Anya took her under her wing as her second-in-command, essentially training Lexa how to be like her uncle. Anya was working on her MBA at Yale when Gustus took over the company, and she had agreed to move in to help with Lexa whenever she wasn’t commuting from the city to New Haven. Even though she had not been around her father’s family much growing up, Lexa had nothing but respect for them. They were the ones who stuck around. They didn’t let emotions rule them. She quickly adapted. When she was sixteen, Lexa began work at her father’s company, but her uncle would not allow her to take control until she had an education. He sent her to Columbia for her undergraduate with the intent that she would continue to learn and grow in her family’s company. It was technically hers when she turned eighteen, but she made the choice to learn more about business in college and allowed her uncle to continue running the company until she had followed in Anya’s shadow and obtained her own MBA. Head over heart. She officially declared her intentions to take over completely at quarterly board meeting. Once she graduated, she would step into her position as CEO of Trikru Records. Anya poured her a glass of scotch after the meeting, even though she was only eighteen, and had given her the nickname Commander.

“Because you commanded that board meeting like it was your bitch,” Anya had declared.

Lexa could only smirk lightly and take small sips of the scotch in her glass once the ice had melted some in her glass. Scotch was a power move Anya had taught her, and she only ever drank small sips of scotch at events.

After her mother’s funeral, Lexa put her own guitar away and vowed to never touch it again. It was hidden in the back of her closet for six years. When she turned nineteen, she started to question everything she had been taught since she was thirteen because she felt compelled to play again. She had pulled her guitar out of her closet and reminded herself why she loved music so much. She couldn’t quite write hit songs like her father, but she had found a muse that made her wish she could. She never shared the songs she wrote with anyone. They were still locked in the back of her closet with her guitar.

Costia had crashed into and ruined her life plans, and Lexa absolutely loved every second of it. She had been a musician, and Lexa had happened upon her performance at an open mic night that some of her business class colleagues had dragged her to her sophomore year. She wasn’t the first girl she had kissed or slept with, but she was the first girl that Lexa cared enough to get her number afterwards. After her set, Costia had approached Lexa by handing her a beer and telling her to “stop scowling and enjoy the music.” She was all smiles and talent and wild curls, and Lexa actually drank her first beer. She didn’t like the taste of the beer, but she couldn’t get enough of Costia. It was also the first night Lexa had stayed somewhere other than her home since Gustus and Anya had moved in. She knew she was screwed the second Costia’s lips brushed against hers.

Costia was hers and she was Costia’s. That’s all that mattered to Lexa.

Despite Anya’s incessant warnings, Lexa continued the relationship and had managed to sign Costia to their label. Anya had said she wasn’t that good and that Lexa was blinded by love, but she didn’t care. She signed her anyways because she technically had the control to do so. After two hit songs from her debut album, Costia had signed with another label who had given her a better offer for her second album. Apparently, Lexa had not written a contract that required Costia to develop albums for them beyond her first album. It was a rookie mistake; one that Anya only chided her about once because Lexa had lost more than an artist on her label. She had let love make her weak, and she had failed at what she was being trained to do. Love was weakness. She had never learned that more than when she was twenty years old and Costia left her for “better” things.

After that, Lexa had devoted herself to her education and business and never allowed love or emotions in her decision-making again. When she was twenty-four, she had graduated with her Bachelors and MBA from Columbia and had taken the reins of her father’s company. Her colleagues at school resented her for just walking out of school into a CEO position, and she had not talked to any of them since. Instead, she focused on leading her father’s company. By twenty-six, she had already managed to merge eleven other labels into her own, expanding her father’s small record label and forming Coalition Records.

Lexa Woods was young, independent, and powerful. She was strong, collected, and smart. And she absolutely hated politics, which was why she was currently scowling at herself in her bedroom mirror. Her black suit and black dress shirt was not the problem; they were tailored perfectly, and she was quite proud of her body. It was why she was dressed up that was the problem.

“Relax, Commander. It’s not the apocalypse. Coalition has backed candidates before in the past; this is nothing new.” Anya moved over from Lexa’s bed to stand beside her in the mirror, smoothing down Lexa’s lapels. She was wearing the little black cocktail dress Lexa had refused to wear. She wasn’t opposed to wearing dresses; she had several in her closet. This was just not the type of event where a dress would be practical or good for recreational purposes. Political events were not the place to find somebody to take home, even if it had been eight months since Lexa had done that.

“Remind me why Gustus insists my appearance at this event is pertinent.” Lexa raised her chin slightly and assessed herself one last time in the mirror before making her way from her bedroom. Once she took over the company, Gustus had moved out and had finally moved in with his partner Nyko. They were such an odd pairing, but Lexa could tell the arrangement wasn’t one of love but one of trust and admiration. That was all she could ever ask for herself, since she knew Anya would move out eventually, too. Lexa had not lived alone since her mother’s passing. There was always somebody watching her, which made her that much more aware of keeping her emotions at bay. She always had to be on as the Commander, and she would be lying to herself if the thought of living alone did not frighten her a bit because nobody would be there to hold her accountable. While she knew she was capable of living alone, Lexa did not trust her emotions not to surface again if she did because the lack of people in the oversized brownstone would make her more self-aware of her loneliness. There were certain things she could not be self-aware of if she was to continue being successful. For now, she was fine with brief trysts to fulfill any need for human companionship. She had Anya and Indra for companionship; she could not afford anything else. Not even a household pet.

“Senator Griffin wants to expand music education. We want kids to buy records. Music programs make kids love music more.” Anya smirked at her, knowing full well that Lexa didn’t need a reminder but accommodating her anyways. She was the only person Lexa trusted enough to be this petulant about social gatherings. “It’s all business. Just go and be your charming self. We don’t have to stay the entire night.”

“Let us leave, then. The sooner we make our appearances, the sooner we will be able to depart.” Lexa knew this event was important, even if she hated the political aspects of it. She was good at politics; she just hated the game she had to play sometimes. She ran a music empire; not the world. “Breach me about Senator Griffin on the way so that I have more talking points than ‘thank you for supporting music education.’ If we intend to back her, then she would be a good asset for future endeavors. Best to get on her good side.”

“And you say you hate politics.” Anya looped her arm into Lexa’s and they made their outside to the waiting car. Once inside, Lexa looked out the window as Anya started to access the tablet in the car for just these purposes. The ride to the event would not be long, but Lexa had faith she would get what she needed in less than five minutes. Griffin was a politician, and Lexa did know how to handle politicians. “Okay, Senator Abigail Griffin, goes by Abby. Democratic seat for New York. Has a place here in Tribeca and DC. Grew up here in Manhattan and was a renowned surgeon before going into politics five years ago. Her husband passed away ten years ago and is currently rumored to be dating Senator Marcus Kane from Vermont, but no official confirmation or statement on that. She has one daughter who just completed medical school and is doing her residency here in the city. Ohh. She’s pretty.”

“That should be enough, Anya. Thank you.” Lexa knew that Anya wanted to show her a picture of the daughter, and honestly, Lexa knew she should have looked for her own reference. It was the tone Anya made, though; it was one she was making more often these days whenever she mentioned women to Lexa. Anya’s push for Lexa to find someone was purely political, as well. Having somebody powerful by her side would make Lexa appear even more powerful to the public and her shareholders. It was why Gustus had Nyko and why Anya had dated a handful of ridiculous assholes over the years. Lexa didn’t need anybody, though. She was just fine on her own, and no matter how many pretty women there were in the world, Lexa would not cave to any societal pressure for her to have a partner. She was just fine ruling her empire by herself, head over heart.

 

* * *

 

When she was younger, Clarke had two things she loved: when her father would play chess with her and when her mother would smile at her artwork. After her father passed when she was sixteen, Clarke had lost both of those things. Her mother’s smiles were no longer genuine and she was barely around anymore, choosing to bury herself in her work. Clarke had piles of artwork that her mother had still never seen to that day. She told Clarke she was doing it to give her a better life, but they didn’t really need the money. Her mother was running away from things, and that made Clarke do the same. It was a trait she learned and kept throughout her years.

The final year of high school was practically solitary confinement for Clarke, who was forced to grieve for her father alone in a place that did nothing but remind her of him. Her best friend Wells tried to help her, but he only made things worse. She knew he thought he was helping, and she didn’t mean to be angry with him or cut him off completely, but Clarke became tired of him always being there and asking her to play chess with him. The last thing Clarke wanted to do was play chess. She couldn’t stand the game anymore. Instead of staying to face her grief, Clarke decided to go to college across the country and never talk to her friend again. She thought it was for the best because she knew she could never love him like he wanted her to love him. They only ever saw each other in passing at events. When he died, Clarke realized it was too late to apologize for running away. She still didn’t play chess.

            When she arrived at Stanford, Clarke closed her eyes and soaked up the sun. She thoroughly enjoyed her life there and buried herself in her art. She wanted to become an art major, and her mother didn’t argue. Not that she talked to her long enough to do anything other than agree with what Clarke wanted. Her mother was overcompensating and refusing to discuss their communication issues. Clarke even made friends with her roommate Octavia, whose only goal in life was to be a badass. They remained roommates throughout undergrad and she would attend Octavia’s lacrosse games, which was the only time Clarke ever wore Cardinals regalia out in public. She still had her faded red tshirt with the hole in the sleeve where Octavia had poked her with a pen too hard when they were studying one night in their dorm.

            Clarke only almost accidentally slept with Octavia’s brother once. She was drunk and did not know who he was; not that they had made any introductions. Luckily, Octavia walked in to find them about to kiss. Her response was enough for Clarke to figure out who he was. The three of them only ever mentioned “the incident” whenever they were fighting, which was more often than not. After that, Bellamy became a brother to her, too, protecting and watching out for her whenever possible, and Clarke did the same for him.

In her sophomore year, her mother decided to run for political office. They had dinner at home over the winter break and had their first honest and heartfelt conversation since her father’s death. It made Clarke realize that she wanted to become a doctor instead. She wanted to help save lives so that other kids could have a chance not to feel the pain she went through. Her mother had never been more vocally proud of her, and Clarke genuinely felt like she was doing the right thing by making this decision. So, she devoted her life to studying pre-med, taking extra classes to catch up with those who had already been in the program for three semesters. Thanks to Octavia and Bellamy, Clarke stayed sane throughout her studies because they reminded her to have fun every once in a while, even though she had to keep an upstanding reputation since she had become a senator’s daughter.

That’s how she met Finn Collins. He was handsome and charming and made her feel special. Sure, she had dated various guys and girls throughout her undergrad career, but she was ready for an adult relationship when she started med school back in New York. He was a Delaware senator’s son, so he understood the pressures she was under. He also loved art, as he would make the most beautiful miniature metal sculptures. He had made her a deer after their long romantic weekend at a cabin in upstate New York. She was honestly happy and on her way to fulfilling her goals. She didn’t question anything he did because he was beautiful and he was hers. Clarke was also too busy to question anything because she trusted when he said he loved her.

That’s how she met Raven Reyes. She didn’t know how to react to Raven at first because Clarke was smart enough to realize she was the other woman in the scenario. She broke up with Finn and decided to be angry with him instead of hating on Raven for taking away her happiness. It wasn’t Raven’s fault; they had both been deceived. When Raven found out, she had hated Clarke, though. Clarke didn’t blame her. Instead of dwelling in her own anger, Clarke took a break and was happy that the media was kept quiet about the situation. It was obvious Finn knew how to play the media because neither girl knew the other existed.

Clarke did what she did best when things got bad. She ran away to deal with her emotions over the situation. She travelled across America in her dad’s old Jeep that they had never sold. Some nights she would stay in the Jeep; others she would pitch a tent. After years of living in New York City and the West Coast, Clarke decided she wanted to discover nature. She had notebooks of sketches and drawings still in her closet, and she would pull them out whenever she felt a particular need to escape.

After she returned from her trip, Clarke had a new outlook and felt stronger than ever before. She was tired of running and decided to get back to making the tough decisions. She was tired of running from things. The first thing she did was sit down with Raven. While the girl was snarky at first, she still listened to what Clarke had to say. They slowly became friends and were now sharing a flat with Octavia, who finally gave up on being a badass and made something of herself by becoming a high school music teacher, which was pretty badass as far as Clarke was concerned.

Whenever Octavia would have the yearly high school musical, Raven would help with making the production a spectacle with fancy engineering and mechanics that neither Clarke nor Octavia ever questioned too much about. They found it best to let Raven do her thing and only feed her ego when necessary. Clarke would just help design the sets and hope that whatever Raven concocted didn’t burn down her set pieces. When Mt. Weather school decided to cut the music program’s budget, Clarke became furious because she had seen what those kids created and how Octavia had helped create them. The connections Octavia made with her students made Clarke long that she had a similar experience in high school, especially considering how much she struggled for an outlet and a place to belong after her father’s death. They had cut the art programs so Clarke had no place to go, but she would be damned if Mt. Weather would cut the music program. Being a senator’s daughter did have some perks, after all.

Clarke knew her mother was looking for a new pet project, so she brought the situation with Octavia’s school up with her mother. Senator Abby Griffin placed her backing for not cutting music education the very next day. Clarke was actually happy to attend a political event for the first time since she’d had to start five years prior. She had fought very hard to stay out of politics, but she now understood why she needed to be there. Not just for her mother, but because she needed to help make a change to better the world. To better her city and her people.

Since Raven was stuck at work, Octavia was tasked with being Clarke’s plus one for the evening. Honestly, Clarke loved Raven being her plus one to political events because it was fun to watch her get snarky with old white guys who thought they knew what was best for everyone. Octavia never wanted to go with her because she hated the politics just as much as Clarke. However, even though Raven was busy, Clarke had decided that she would drag Octavia anyways because whether she liked it or not, it was her job that Clarke was trying to save.

Clarke Griffin was young, successful, and smart. She was brash, logical, and determined. And she hated when anybody called her Princess, which was why she was currently scowling at Octavia in her bedroom mirror.

“Look, I’m just saying you look like a princess. Don’t get mad at me because Bellamy is an asshat that gave you that nickname back in college.” Octavia held up her hands in defeat before dropping down on the bed and wrapping her arms around Hunter. She was going to ruin her dress. "You look hot. I was just stating the obvious."

“Well, it’s a horrible nickname. It makes me seem like I'm eight. Why can’t I have a cooler nickname? Like Clarke the Goddess. Or Commander of Death.” Clarke finished putting in her white gold loops before turning back around to Octavia, lightly slapping the other girl's leg to get her to sit up on the bed and not ruin their hours of getting ready for this event.

“I hate to break it to you, Clarke, but nobody would ever call you the Commander of Death. Maybe the Commander of Death Glares, but that’s about as badass as you get.” Octavia rolled her eyes before sitting up again. Clarke held out her hand and pulled Octavia from the bed before brushing the dog fur from her black dress with the lint roller for the third time in the past hour. Their dog Hunter did not seem to mind that his white and grey Husky fur got all over Octavia’s outfit. Clarke rubbed Hunter’s head before she put the lint roller back on her dresser. “Are you sure this is going to work?”

“Of course.” Clarke knew Octavia was nervous. Who wouldn’t be if their job was on the line? This event was for more than just Mt. Weather High, though. It was about more than Octavia’s job. “You have nothing to fear, O. I’ve got your back; I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“Are you going to save the day with your death glares?” Octavia smiled that quietly dangerous smile she had. Clarke would be lying if she said she hadn’t appreciated her best friend’s beauty over the years. She loved beautiful things and Octavia was one of them; there was never any harm in looking. She’d done the same to Raven over the years, too. It was never anything sexual or intimate beyond friendship; it was just appreciation. Being able to acknowledge the difference between sexual attraction and appreciation for beauty was a skill she had learned early on, especially when coming out back in high school. “I suppose we should do this thing, then. Don’t want to make the senator hulk out again.”

“That was one time, and you deserved it.” Clarke took Octavia’s arm and led her outside where their mother’s car was waiting for them. They should have left a half hour ago, but they couldn’t decide what to wear. They needed to make a really good impression on these politicians and various bourgeois patrons, and they were confident enough in their looks to know they would garner attention. They just hoped it was the right kind of attention because Clarke would be damned if she was going to let her people falter.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Political parties and scotch.

Chapter Two

 

“You’ve been running and hiding much too long. You know it’s just your foolish pride.”

-Eric Clapton, “Layla”

 

* * *

 

As soon as they walked in the door, Lexa was unhappy about being there. Anya squeezed her arm and rolled her eyes. Lexa knew she was being petulant but she really did not like the political aspects, even if she knew deep down the event was for a good cause. It was just that she could have been home working on something, anything but this. Instead of wallowing, Lexa knew it was time to turn on for the evening, so she erased the frown from her face and made her way into the ballroom.

The hotel was one of her favorites. The ornate decorations and the feeling of being somebody that just came with existing in this space. This room always made Lexa feel ecstatic the way she used to remember feeling whenever her dad would let her visit him backstage at one of his gigs. The excitement that came with being a VIP, and being that Coalition Records was donating a substantially ugly amount to Senator Griffin’s campaign on music education, Lexa knew she was an extremely important person right now.

They don’t make it far into the room before they are stopped by politicians and musicians and bourgeois activists who have used this as their latest pet project to make their lives meaningful. A meaningful life came from doing something with your life; not pretending you were helping people because you actually cared. Lexa had met too many people at these events with more falsity in their words and actions than on their bodies and faces. At least the musicians cared because their jobs were somewhat reliant on music appreciation, even if that came from school music programs. These were people Lexa could respect. She could even admit to respecting the politicians who lobbied for better music education programs. It was just the showboating and money spent on lavish events like this when that money could have gone into something more useful like actually funding said music programs.

At least Anya was by her side, helping to guide her through the crowd. It was like she had somehow become Lexa’s second instead. Her days of needing mentored were over, and she would forever adore Anya for helping to raise her.

She held brief conversations, some relevant to the topic but most not, with more people than she cared to admit. Not once did she shake their hands. She knew she would not remember their names anyways; it was why she had Anya.

An hour into the event, and Lexa was starting to wish she had looked at the pictures Anya tried to show her in the car. She had met handfuls of people but had yet to meet the hostess of this event. Anya seemed to understand her frustration; she always did. So, Anya had gracefully pulled herself into Lexa’s current conversation, and Lexa had never been more grateful because she knew Anya was preparing to excuse Lexa from the current droll conversation from Politician So-and-So.

“I’m sorry, Chancellor Jaha. I’m afraid I have to steal my cousin for a bit.” Anya placed her hand lightly on Jaha’s arm, and Lexa just watched him smile in acknowledgement.

“It was lovely to meet you, _Miss_ Woods. Your donation is most appreciated.” Of course he would emphasize her title instead of her name. It was all she could hear from people lately. She was only twenty-six, and it’s not like she didn’t date. Okay, so “date” wasn’t the proper term she used for what occurred, but it was always consensual and pleasurable for both parties. Why did people have to be so hung up on relationships? Couldn’t a young woman be successful without somebody by her side? Wasn’t Lexa proving that already?

“Of course. Lovely to meet you, as well.” Lexa steeled her jaw and raised her chin lightly. What kind of name was Thelonious anyways? At least it was original, so she probably wouldn’t forget it as quickly as the others. Once Jaha had walked away, she took a much needed sip from her scotch and reveled in the burn she felt once she realized she had taken a little more than usual.

Slow and steady sips. Never have a full or empty glass.

“You could have sounded a bit more sincere, I suppose. He’s a Vice Chancellor at NYU.” Anya let out her lightly disappointed huff. Lexa had heard it so often over the years that it was Pavlovian for her to stand up straighter and narrow her eyes. “I suppose I can be merciful on you and take you to Griffin now.”

“That would be wise.” Lexa cleared her throat as she raised an eyebrow at Anya. Of course Anya was making her wait, as a sort of lesson to pay attention when she was revealing relevant information to her about their events. If she had been paying more attention, Lexa may have even noticed if Anya was purposefully leading her away from their target throughout the night. She gripped the glass in her hand and flowed behind Anya as they made their way through the crowd, never touching anyone as they moved because the ballroom was wide enough to contain this many people without encroaching on personal space. Lexa was at least grateful for that. Yet another reason why she loved this hotel and this room.

Once they reached a small gathered crowd, Lexa could pinpoint immediately where the power dynamic was. It was in the nonverbals of both the lady who could only be Senator Griffin and others surrounding her. The way she held her chin high and was careful with her movements. The way the others leaned forward to her as though they were awaiting her commands.

Before they placed themselves close enough to join the conversation, Lexa took a few seconds to observe the lady. She was smaller than Lexa expected, and she no doubt had a “pretty” daughter, as Anya had pointed out earlier. She was definitely an attractive lady herself, most likely middle age. The man directly next to her must have been the other senator Anya was talking about. If they weren’t confirming their relationship, they were also not as good at hiding it as they probably thought. He not only leaned towards her; he was not afraid to stay closer to her side during the conversation whereas everyone else kept a respectable distance. He was the only person with Griffin’s intimate proxemics area, and his smile actually was honest and reached his eyes. Lexa could tell he was at least a kind and genuine man, as far as politicians went.

The one thing clearly missing, based on the information Anya provided, was the so-called “pretty” doctor daughter. None of the other women standing with Griffin looked young enough to be her daughter. Not that Lexa really cared, but Anya had used the word “pretty,” which was such an odd word for her to use. Sure, she had tried to convince Lexa to take a life partner for business purposes like Gustus had, but Anya had never used the word “pretty” as a coercive tactic before, so Lexa was at least a little intrigued now that she had seen Senator Griffin.

“Senator, thank you for your invitation. The event is lovely.” Anya moved into the gathered crowd as though she were the guest of honor. Lexa smirked slightly and raised an eyebrow because Anya was surprisingly good at playing crowds. Lexa, on the other hand, was not the best at interjecting herself into party conversations; she preferred people to come to her so that she could reclaim the power the other persons thought they had by approaching her. Her unwillingness to approach people but that people constantly approached her was something her school colleagues had picked on her for over the years, despite their continually asking her out to events with them. Lexa was smart enough to know it was because they wanted her as a connection after graduation and not any genuine desire to be friends.

“Why, thank you. It is truly a blessing to be able to bring awareness to this cause. Please call me Abby.” Her answer was a stale political answer, but at least Senator Griffin was confirmed now to be the lady Lexa figured. Her voice was deeper than expected, though, which was not all that unpleasant. It seemed she also knew who held the power, as Griffin turned to extend her hand to Lexa. “You must be Lexa Woods. We were so happy to see Coalition Records as such a generous backer.”

“Of course. Our business is music, so naturally music education is a cause close to us.” Lexa smiled lightly as she gripped the senator’s hand. “My people are happy to give to such a worthy cause.”

“I’m happy to hear that. Your generosity far exceeds expectations and makes me believe our cause will succeed.” The senator smiled at her, and Lexa was surprised to sense sincerity there. It was nice to see somebody actually care, or at least be that good at pretending to care.

“With more success comes greater problems.” Lexa had spent too many years with Gustus and Anya to believe that success at one thing meant success was stable. There would always be another problem lurking to threaten the balance.

“That’s a pessimistic view of the world. You sound like my daughter.” Senator Griffin’s posture softened a bit, sounding and looking every bit the matronly type. She sounded proud of her daughter, and Lexa respected that.

“Your daughter is wise, then.”

“I like to think so. She is the one who brought this cause to my attention.”

“Will we get to meet the lovely Miss Griffin this evening?” Anya was not being subtle as she sent a slight smirk Lexa’s way before turning her attention back to the senator.

“The hospital just called, so she had to step outside briefly. She should return shortly.” Instead of addressing the exchange, the senator merely smiled and looked towards the door where Lexa assumed said daughter disappeared.

“Certainly we will cross paths as the evening continues. I am sure Lexa here would love to shake the hand of the person responsible for this evening’s festivities, especially the hand of a pretty young lady like herself.” Anya was definitely not being subtle at all. Lexa narrowed her eyes in response, and it seemed the senator finally noticed the brief exchange. Lexa cleared her throat and smiled to bring the attention away from the conversation at hand.

“I’m sure she would enjoy that, as well.” Senator Griffin was apparently not subtle, either, as her eyes turned to appraise Lexa even further. Her smile and the glint in her eyes told Lexa that the senator’s daughter would at least be interested if Lexa was. While Lexa loved a challenge, she was always extremely careful with her disclosures and romantic dalliances. However, she was not positive that a brief liaison with a senator’s daughter would be the wisest choice, even if Anya seemed to be hinting at such.

“Thank you for your time, Senator Griffin. I wish you luck with this journey.” Lexa nodded her head slightly to indicate her departure. She never initiated handshakes and only stared at others when they attempted to do so with her. There was never need for such pleasantries or unnecessary touching. At least the senator seemed to understand this, as she did not bother to extend her hand. “May we meet again.”

“May we meet again, and please call me Abby.” With that, Lexa nodded politely and made her way over to the bar. She had done her civic duty and attended this event. She just wanted one last drink while the senator gave her speech, and they would be out of there. The night was still young; she could still make it home in time to finish some work before she retired for the evening. Anya decided to leave Lexa at the bar while she went to finish mingling with the other guests, which didn’t bother her in the slightest. She was glad she had Anya because she much preferred to quietly stand on the sidelines and people watch.

She hadn’t been at the bar for long when she noticed a highly attractive duo stand beside her. The blonde was stunning, and Lexa felt a familiar desire flush her cheeks. She took a sip of her scotch to hide her reaction and perused the crowd to ensure nobody had seen her blushing. It wasn’t against her rules to be attracted to a stranger, but when she heard the blonde order a single malt scotch, Lexa couldn’t seem to stop herself from speaking.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke loved this hotel. It was her favorite in the city. Whenever she walked in its doors, she felt more alive somehow. She could never quite explain it, but there was something in the historical beauty in the architecture and ambience created in this space that made her feel like royalty when she walked in its doors. The ballroom was already full and cacophonous as she and Octavia made their way inside.

“I need a drink” was all Octavia managed to get out before dragging Clarke over to the bar. Clarke had to warn Octavia that ordering beer at a fancy political party would make them stand out, so she had schooled her quickly on what “adult” drinks were okay to order. It was yet another reason Octavia refused to attend these events with Clarke because “snooty ass drinks” were apparently stupid.

Clarke honestly didn’t mind it because the alcohol was free to her. It was at one of these events where her father had snuck her a sip of her first alcohol. She still refused to order a martini, no matter how dirty it got. Clarke later learned that the martini was her mother’s, which explained why growing up there was always olives in their refrigerator even when they ran out of basics like milk and eggs.

Her dad was a scotch man, so she had taken up that mantle in his absence. Her love of good scotch was why everybody who knew her seemed to get her bottles for holidays and birthdays. Her collection was growing every year, and she was slowly learning her favorites.

She chuckled at Octavia as the other woman sneered while ordering vodka cranberry. Octavia loved vodka cranberries, so Clarke knew it was just the setting and not having much freedom to choose her own vehicle for inebriation. It had been a long while since Clarke had been inebriated herself, choosing instead to stay grounded and focused. It was why she chose scotch, because good scotch was meant to be savored and enjoyed. Drinking scotch was like slow, passionate lovemaking. Octavia obviously preferred it hard and fast as she chugged down her drink and turned around to get another before they had even said hello to anybody. Saying hello to the bartender did not count.

Clarke gripped her glass in her hand, opting for water tonight in case the hospital called. Even though she had arranged for the evening off, Clarke would always take the call. She had high hopes for her career and needed to make a good impression here so that she could be hired as an attending once her residency was complete. One thing Clarke loved more than this hotel was this city, and she had spent far too long away from it. She would do what she had to at work, including not having much of a life, just to make sure she was highly competitive for a spot within the city.

Once Octavia was handed her second drink, Clarke ushered her away from the bar so that they could start to mingle. This event was technically inspired to save Octavia’s job, so a drunk O was not the best plan to accomplish that. Instead, Clarke found her mother immediately and greeted those in the circle around her. If they stood by her mother, they would meet everybody that was necessary to be met because the vultures would circle around her mother with purpose. Clarke knew how to play her part perfectly; the only difference was that this time, she actually cared on a personal level.

When her phone rang, Clarke excused herself and dragged Octavia with her. While she loved the girl dearly, Clarke wasn’t exactly trusting that O could handle herself in this environment alone. She was tough and badass, but mingling with these people took a lot of patience and perfected elegance. Clarke had seen Octavia threaten people for bumping into her at bars; she definitely did not trust her in this room alone. Okay, so maybe there was more than one reason she took Raven to these events instead of her best friend.

Octavia did not hide her sigh of relief when Clarke’s phone buzzed in her purse. Clarke would be lying if she didn’t take the phone call partially because her mother started to ask her about her personal life, in front of Kane, too, which was always uncomfortable.

The phone call to her attending had been quick because even though she desperately wanted to scrub into the cardiomyoplasty her attending had talked about earlier that day, Clarke knew she had to stay. She had to put her personal feelings and desires aside and do what was the best for her people, and Octavia was definitely her people. She wasn’t kidding when she mentioned earlier she would have her back. If Clarke Griffin could help it, she would save her friend’s job and ensure kids didn’t lose their creative outlet. She would do anything that needed to be done, within reason.

When they returned inside, Clarke realized that the party had finally reached its pinnacle. That meant her mother would be making her speech soon, so Clarke knew to be nearby. She looked over to see Octavia picking at her nailbeds; it was her tell that she was nervous. It wasn’t like she had to make any speech; she just had to stand next to her mother and look pretty, and Clarke would be there with her the entire time. She had promised. Deciding that it couldn’t hurt, Clarke pulled Octavia to the bar and received a thankful smile when she ordered them another round of drinks.

“They have the Balvenie Portwood, 21 year.” The voice came from next to her, and Clarke looked to notice the most stunning green eyes. After a brief moment, Clarke noticed that her skin was tingling from being this close to the stranger. Maybe skipping that surgery wasn’t that bad, after all. This woman was gorgeous, and even though Clarke wasn’t entirely into the “possibly in mourning” look the stranger had going on with her entire black suit and dress shirt, she was extremely attractive and smelled amazing. “If you want to take a chance on something better.”

“Who says the Balvenie is better? I’m a Macallan gal, tried and true.” Clarke raised an eyebrow in appreciation of the stranger. She had to admit the pick-up line was possibly the most effective she had ever had while at a bar. It was clear the stranger knew her scotch, and Clarke could definitely be down for someone who knew her scotch.

“Macallan is good, sure, but way too cliché. There are better things to explore.” The stranger turned her body towards her, and she appeared stiff and commanding. Clarke bit her lip because the whole confident commander thing was working for her right then. She decided to take a chance because exploration was definitely on her menu tonight.

“Clarke.” She went to hold out her hand but instead Lexa just stared at her. Just when Clarke thought she wouldn’t, the stranger took her hand in hers. The grip was noteworthy, but her hands were the most surprising part. They were strong and soft and quite dissonant from what Clarke would have expected. Suddenly, Clarke felt flush and knew she was blushing. She couldn’t remember the last time she blushed.

“Lexa.” The stranger, Lexa, smirked lightly and looked down at their conjoined hands. It looked like she was surprised at the gesture, but Clarke had no idea why a simple handshake would be surprising. Then again, was it really a simple handshake? Could it be that Lexa felt the attraction just as much? Obviously, she must have because she was the one who initiated the conversation and their hands were still together.

“Wait, are you the Lexa from Coalition Records? The big donation the Skaikru Foundation received?” Clarke cleared her throat and took back her hand. Her eyes widened as she assessed the young woman in front of her more closely. She looked about the age her mother mentioned the record label’s CEO was, and Lexa wasn’t the most common name, so it was an educated guess. That made her all the more attractive to Clarke. Who was 26 and ran a highly successful multi-national record label? It was impressive. And she was amazingly beautiful, so that was an added bonus.

“Yes.” Lexa did not seem to be happy about that, which made Clarke wonder why she would show up or even donate if she wasn’t happy. Of course Clarke couldn’t leave well enough alone; the only things she would’ve missed out on was finding out just how soft and strong those hands really were and possibly what they could do to her. She could live with that, but she couldn’t live with somebody not caring about this.

“Somehow you don’t seem thrilled about that.” Clarke quirked an eyebrow, surprised at the woman’s reaction. She worked in music. Why wouldn’t she support this cause? It didn’t make sense, so she must have been reading too much into the monosyllabic answer. Maybe she was the elusive rich girl type who didn’t want people to know who she was. Then again, her answer seemed more complicated than that. Lexa didn’t strike Clarke as the type who cared what other people thought about her.

“I just don’t think these events are worth the effort put into them. So many donations are made to the cause, but I bet the cause only sees a fraction of what was donated.” Lexa took a calm and collected sip of her glass, what Clarke would assume was scotch or something similar, before she placed the half empty glass on the bar top and laid down a fifty dollar bill for the bartender as a tip. So, she clearly did not care about the money aspect. Clarke was warring within herself because she was upset at the answer but watching Lexa’s lips gently caress the glass as she sipped her drink was intoxicating.

“How could you know that? Of course the money goes to the cause.” Clarke scoffed at this woman and pulled herself from staring at Lexa’s lips. For a successful woman, she wasn’t very good at reading a room. She was at an event where people came more for the party and schmoozing than actually caring for the cause.

“For what? Policy changes? I know just on my donation alone that I could have funded an entire district for two years.” Lexa obviously did not care about the money, and her posture stiffened even further. Clarke finally stopped staring at her lips and instead made eye contact again, which was honestly not much better because Lexa’s deep green eyes were intensely focused on her. Clarke felt like she was the only person Lexa saw in that moment, and she understood that completely. Despite her bubbling anger, Clarke could not seem to stop herself from taking in the woman in front of her.

“Am I supposed to be impressed by that?” Clarke steeled her jaw and lowered her voice as she took a step further towards Lexa, not caring that she was invading her private space.

“Not at all. Just the opposite, actually.” Lexa lifted her chin and looked down at Clarke through her lashes. After what felt like several seconds, Clarke finally registered the conversation without her lust goggles and appraised the conversation. She physically shook her head a bit to break the intense eye contact before coming back to her reality. The one where she needed to save music education and Octavia’s job. The entire reason they were all here tonight, including the difficult woman in front of her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that money is being put in the wrong hands.”

“Who are you to say they went into the wrong hands?”

“I’m merely saying that the money being donated could be put directly to use.”

“Uh, Clarke…?” Octavia tried to interject, but Clarke was too heated to calm down right now.

“It’s more than the money, though; it’s the policies, like you said. Something has to change because arts programs are some of the first to be cut in schools. Sure, donating money would keep them afloat for a bit, but what happens after that money is run out?” Clarke only moved even further, feeling the warmth against her skin as Lexa’s forearm brushed lightly with hers as they moved closer together. They were both aware of the situation enough not to create a scene so their voices were soft but heated. “Or worse, what if the money donated is allocated in a different fashion? Like to sports or new computers instead of the arts? It’s the policy that needs changed; not the funding itself. There are better things to explore, as you said.”

“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke.” Lexa’s tone was so condescending and Clarke was not far from having the woman evicted from the event. She didn’t care who the woman was.

“Yeah, well, being an asshole does not mean you know best. You’re failing to see the big picture.” Clarke stood even closer to Lexa and refused to back down, their bodies almost touching but not quite reaching that point. She could clearly smell the woods and musk of her cologne, which was no longer as appealing as it was five minutes ago.

“Uh, Clarke…?” Octavia gripped her arm but Clarke refused to be the first to break eye contact. She would stand her ground against this frustrating woman.

“Lexa, everything okay?” Another woman interrupted them and Clarke decided she was even angrier because Lexa had probably come here with somebody but was openly flirting with her at the bar. Who was this woman? What game was she playing? Clarke refused to ever be the other woman again, no matter how attractive the woman was or how good her taste in scotch was or how soft she felt or how good she smelled.

“Everything is fine. I was just telling Miss Griffin here goodbye.” Lexa was apparently refusing to break contact to, as the woman placed a hand lightly on her bicep. It was clearly a goodbye. “May we meet again.”

With that, Lexa and her companion turned and walked away, breaking eye contact finally. Clarke followed their progress and noticed they were leaving the event completely, before her mother’s speech even. It was extremely disrespectful, and she didn’t care to ever see the attractive stranger again. She had obviously gotten by on her looks because her personality was for shit. Clarke felt overheated and upset because she wasn’t used to not having the last word. Who was this woman?

“Clarke, your mom.” Octavia touched her arm, which was still tingling from Lexa’s touch, and pulled Clarke’s gaze away from the door the two women had just exited. Processing what her friend said, she looked up to see her mom gazing at her from the stage and looking pointedly. It was the mom glare. She hadn’t had the mom glare in months; not since she’d cursed in front of an Alabama senator after he’d said something stupid about women’s reproductive rights.

“Clearly, my daughter and her friend are being shy tonight, but we have them to thank for us being here tonight.” Her mom had been in the middle of her speech and Clarke had missed her cue. Ever the extemporaneous orator, Abby Griffin was able to save face and continue without them. That let Clarke know she would be in trouble, which was never a good thing.

“I think you need this more than I do.” Octavia handed her vodka cranberry to her. Clarke just stared at it before deciding she had already messed up, so she might as well enjoy her evening. “What the fuck was that?”

Her scotch long forgotten and sweating on the bar, Clarke downed Octavia’s drink much like the other girl had done at the beginning of their night. Clarke didn’t think she’d have much to worry about because her mom would no doubt send her home anyways, which made her all the more upset she’d missed out on that surgery. All she had to do was give it time for her mom to cool down, and then they’d talk. Lexa started it, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a doctoral student, so I will underpromise on updates, which will be every other Wednesday. That way, when I post earlier, you can be pleasantly surprised. :)


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May we meet again...

Chapter Three

 

“Don’t speak; you know that would be weak.” –Aaliyah, “Are You That Somebody?”

 

* * *

 

Before she had presented her plan to the board that she would be taking over the company once she graduated with her MBA, Lexa could never have expected the additional little things that went into running a multi-billion dollar corporation. Even now, as she has been in control for a little over two years, she was still surprised at some of the little things. Luckily, she was proud of her company and the way she handled their daily operations.

That didn’t mean she was always right, though.

After the event last night, Anya had given her a stern lecture about conducting herself more professionally and not letting a pretty face rile her. Even though she knew her exterior most likely appeared calm and collected, Lexa had been internally raging at the beautiful blonde. Not many people had the courage to stand up to her like that, and she wasn’t used to it. Lexa wasn’t too proud to admit that she was both enamored and angered at the other woman.

Clarke Griffin.

She was definitely beautiful, and Lexa sensed a strength in her. She was clearly passionate and wanted to change the world for the better, and Lexa could respect that. She only slightly regretted that what promised to be a nice end to the evening had ended so differently than she had imagined when she had made first contact. Of course it would be Senator Griffin’s daughter, too. She wasn’t aware of that until she heard Abby call her and her friend out, even when Clarke was too busy chastising her for her views. After the fact, she could now agree with Anya’s assessment that the senator’s daughter was indeed “pretty,” but there was something more to her than that. It was like “pretty” didn’t quite capture what Lexa saw of the other woman. Maybe stunning. No. Beautiful. No. She couldn’t find the words, and she didn’t want to overthink something that was now long past. It was safer not to think of these things.

Lexa wasn’t ignorant. She knew what she did was not how a successful businesswoman conducted herself, but there was just something about Clarke that made her want to speak her mind. Even if it was the wrong time and the wrong place. She was very lucky that Anya had pulled her out of there when she did because Lexa wasn’t entirely sure whether she was wanted to fight the blonde or kiss her, and that frightened her slightly. Again, it was safer not to think of these things.

Instead of dwelling on what could not be changed, she had gone home and reviewed some of the files she needed for the meetings the following week. There was something not matching up, but she had yet to figure out exactly what. One thing Lexa did not do was fail, and she knew that even the tiniest broken cog could destroy the entire machine. She was meticulous and had narrowed the problem slightly, but she was too distracted by her evening to truly focus enough. If she could just focus, if she could just stay with her logic and lead with her head, she would find the problem and fix it.

However, much like she was sure many leaders had discovered before her, there was always something new to distract from business. The problem wasn’t that there was a distraction; the problem was the type of distraction. And Clarke was definitely distracting. Whether in a good or bad way, Lexa was not entirely sure just yet.

Clarke Griffin.

Lexa knew it was safer not to think of these things, so why could she not escape her thoughts on the matter? She was starting to recall remnants of her father writing lyrics on napkins and the back of cereal boxes whenever he would speak of his love for her mother, his wife. Lexa had not even attempted such foolishness since Costia, which she was glad nobody had ever seen because they were embarrassing more for their awful lyrics than for showing her weakness. Lexa would keep those sheets of paper buried with her guitar case in the back of her closet, a subtle reminder of the dangers that came from being weak: poor lyrics. She had after all vetoed many horrible performers in the past for their horrendous writing. It was safer to let the talent she signed to her various labels show their weaknesses through lyrics.

Lexa moved from behind her desk to stand by her wall-to-floor office windows and stare out at the cityscape below her. The city was truly magnificent, and she could see tiny details of the world below her. The hustle and bustle of the city. The sounds muffled by the thick glass. She crossed her arms behind her back and took a deep breath, allowing the setting sun to warm her face. The day had already been long, but she still had much to do before going home.

The knock on the door didn’t quite startle her. She had heard the quiet movements outside of her door. One thing she had learned early was to be hyperaware of her surroundings. That way, nobody could ever sneak up on her.

“Heda, your uncle is on the phone. He says it’s urgent.” Indra had been her assistant since she started here at sixteen. It was odd that she was given an assistant when she was merely an intern. Okay, so an intern who helped to oversee daily business and helped her uncle make major decisions, but still someone who did not exactly need an assistant. Indra was one of the only other people whom Lexa trusted besides Anya. If only she could get rid of the nickname; it was worse than Anya calling her Commander, though Lexa allowed it because Indra explained it was a term of power in her country.

“Thank you, Indra. That will be all. I should be making my leave shortly.” Lexa knew she would not leave for several more hours.

“Of course, Heda.” Indra knew, as well.

Lexa only nodded her assent as Indra left her office. Taking one last look outside, Lexa exhaled sharply through her nose before retreating back to her desk. Her uncle had taught her never to immediately pick up the phone whenever summoned. It was best to make the other person wait to ensure they understood that she was a busy person and that she was doing the other person a service by taking their phone call. It was a power move, and she was not surprised how well it worked. Gustus was a very smart advisor in these matters.

“Gustus.” She steeled her jaw, knowing that he did not call except for two things: to discuss business or to discuss family business. Since they had their biweekly dinner date recently, Lexa prepared herself for the former.

“Lexa, I understand you got into a tussle with a Senator’s daughter last night.” Gustus had his usual stoicism attached to his voice, and Lexa could almost imagine his beard lifting lightly hiding his smirk because there was a hint of amusement behind his voice, as well.

“It wasn’t a tussle. It was a mere disagreement on the way that foundations handle their donation money.” Lexa cleared her throat before opening the file on her desk. Since it was clear what the phone call was about now, she knew she could divide her attention away to more important things than being scolded for her actions. She was no longer a child, but it somehow still felt like it whenever Gustus called her out on any matters.

“Regardless of your feelings on the matter, it was not your place to disrespect the guest of honor. I would recommend you apologize, but I know the Commander bows before no one.” Yes, he was definitely smirking; Lexa could hear it more clearly in his voice now, which prompted her to look up from her files. It was not like he was saying anything that she did not already know.

“I had noble intentions before the argument.” She wasn’t sure noble was the word she would use. Lexa had every intention of charming the blonde into leaving with her for the evening; there was no sense in denying that fact.

“And how did that turn out for you?” He almost sounded like he chuckled a bit, but Gustus never chuckled. Lexa listened a bit closer and heard another voice in the background.

“I gather you are not alone.” Lexa caught herself smiling a bit because it was odd to hear her uncle sound…happy.

“No. Nyko is here. We’re getting ready to head out for dinner. Now, back to the matter at hand.” If Gustus was calling her, there was no doubt Anya had already talked to him and informed him of the situation. The lecture Anya had given her in the car was quite enough, so she knew Gustus would not feel the need to contribute much more. Of course there had to be another reason for his call. “You insulted the senator’s daughter, but luckily for you, the senator sees it the other way.”

“Amazing what a large donation will buy you.” Lexa knew she shouldn’t be amused by this; after all, the politics of the whole situation did bother her. Still, why else would the senator think it was her daughter’s fault?

“That is beside the point. Senator Griffin believes that her daughter offended you, and she was extremely worried that you would back out of your donation or from future donations.”

“I would do no such thing. This is strictly business. I would not back out of a promised donation just because of a meaningless argument with the host’s daughter.” Lexa was self-aware enough to admit that the argument was largely her fault because she could have been much more civil and professional and not expressed her honest opinion on the matter. While she wasn’t quite thinking with her heart in that moment, she was obviously not thinking with her head either. It was one of those rare moments in Lexa’s life where she was unable to control her reactions. “What happened between Clarke and I is between us. It does not affect my judgment about business matters.”

“Good to hear because I had Indra block an hour tomorrow so that you could meet with Dr. Griffin tomorrow. Her mother is sending her to apologize.” Of course there was another reason for this call. She was not being scolded again; she was being advised to take a meeting. Of course she could easily say no and take the meeting off of her schedule, but that would send a different message. One that she would most definitely not like to send if she wanted to keep up appearances. However, the senator would not give back her money any more than Lexa would take it back. She would take the meeting, but that did not mean she had to be happy about it. As far as she was concerned, the issue was over the moment she walked away from Clarke Griffin last night. What good would seeing her again do?

“I see that going over quite well.” Lexa did not expect nor did she want an apology from Clarke. There was nothing to apologize for, as far as she was concerned. Clarke had strong opinions. Just because they clashed with Lexa’s did not make her need to apologize. If she actually did, Lexa would probably think less of her for it. Still, she would keep the meeting because it would make her look weak if she did not.

“It should. I actually think it would be wise and an excellent move to join forces with the senator’s campaign. If Coalition were to be directly involved more in the campaign, your image and the company’s would exponentially increase, which would please our shareholders.” Gustus had a plan, then. He no longer sounded like the carefree and happy man chuckling because of something his partner said; instead, his voice had returned to one of advisor and business mentor.

“Of course.” Lexa was slightly peeved that she still stood slightly more at attention when he spoke like this. She was in control now; he could only advise her on what to do. But it was still hard not to be that little girl who needed her uncle’s guidance sometimes, especially when she was alone in a room and nobody was watching her.

“Plus, you would be able to access more control in the situation. From what Anya mentioned, that was your grievance that started the argument.”

“I was merely stating my distrust in the system. That was all.”

“Look, Lexa, I know you mean well, but the shareholders are starting to get restless. They were already worried about you taking over the company so young, especially considering your father.” Gustus had often referred to her father’s business skills as being poor and that the shareholders were worried she would turn out to be like him, despite her proving to them otherwise over the years. She had seen the numbers; she knew the business was not the best when he was in charge, but it was still a young label when her father had passed away, so that was to be expected. This was why Anya tried to get her to take a partner like Gustus had with Nyko; so that the shareholders would not worry that she would lose her head for business because of affairs of the heart. She was not her father. Still, Lexa refused to acknowledge the ridiculousness of the situation. She would much prefer to lead alone than with a fake romantic partner. She would do what was best for her business, but agreeing to a partnership under false pretenses was not necessary and would only cause more problems. Love was weakness, sure, but she was not heartless enough to live in a loveless marriage or ask someone else to be placed into that situation. No, she was doing just fine on her own. “You continue to prove that you are great with business, but they are concerned what will happen once you…”

“They should not concern themselves in my personal affairs. What I choose to do in my free time is my business alone.” To Lexa, pretending to love someone was worse than actually loving someone. She adored Nyko, but she did not want that for herself.

“They’re just worried that…”

“There will not be another Costia incident. They have nothing to fear of my solitude.” Lexa knew that the shareholders were still angry, and it was not surprising that they would be unsettled right now considering Costia’s new album was doing remarkably well. No matter how much she proved herself to them, no matter how loyal they seemed to the company, Lexa was smart enough to know they were always waiting and watching for her to fail.

“They are not the only ones worried.” Gustus’s voice dropped lightly, reminding her of when he would check in on her at night the year following her mother’s death. Moments like these were honestly how Lexa had learned compassion and how to use it subtly and powerfully without it damaging her image. She hadn’t realized she had been sitting so stiffly and with such intense posture until that moment, so she relaxed and let out a deep breath.            

“Well, there is no need to be concerned.” She hated when her uncle worried because she did not want to be a bother to anyone; she could take care of herself just fine. “I am perfectly fine and capable of running this company without someone by my side. You can tell Anya as much, too. She was not exactly subtle last night, and the senator even picked up on the meaning. I would not be surprised if that is partially the reason why the senator is forcing this meeting.”            

“Anya mentioned Clarke was attractive.”

“Tomorrow, I will meet with Clarke and suggest the alliance. Thank you, Gustus. Have a lovely dinner.” She did not mean to sound so businesslike, but she could not think of such things. Clarke was attractive; she would not deny that, but to voice this out loud was not a smart business move. Even if it would appease her uncle and all of her shareholders to have such a powerful young woman as her partner, Lexa never wanted to do that to someone else. And despite the various looks and signs that Clarke was quite interested physically, even throughout their argument, Lexa would still not tie someone down for political reasons. After all, she hated the politics.

“Go home and eat something yourself, Lexa. Get some rest.” Their conversations usually ended in this manner.

“Of course.” Lexa knew she wouldn’t.

“Good night.” Gustus knew, too. He knew as well as she did that Lexa would most likely go home and grab the meal Titus had prepared for her and left in the fridge for her whenever she did get home. She would eat right before she retreated to her home office to go over more work. She would run on her treadmill and lift her weights before practicing her training despite not having been to a dojo in years. (Now, when she was ready for more training or to test for a new belt, the masters would come to her.) Finally, she would sit in bed and read before falling asleep. It was her ritual; one she had kept for years even before she had left for college. One she never intended on breaking. One that kept her alive and focused on what needed to be done.

Tonight was no different. She met her driver downstairs, and she worked on things in the car during the ride. Once home, she went through her nightly routine like always. She had other, bigger issues to address than what would happen with Clarke tomorrow. Still, it was quite tempting to picture the other woman standing across from her in her office.

Her meeting with Clarke tomorrow would definitely be eventful, no matter the outcome. Lexa did not like not knowing how the meeting would go; it was the not knowing that unnerved her. At least that’s what she told herself. Lexa could not allow herself to think too much about it, though. It was definitely safer not to think of these things.

 

* * *

 

Clarke was not happy about this meeting at all. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to Lexa again. For a highly successful business woman, she somehow failed to see the big picture. Policy had to change if they had any chance of making a lasting impression on music education reform. Money runs out eventually, even from highly attractive and complicated CEOs of record companies. Just sending money to a school was not the solution; surely Lexa was smart enough to understand that. Surely she could see reason.

That night, when she was riding in the car back to the apartment with Octavia, Clarke kept reimagining the scene repeatedly, thinking she had missed something. One thing stood out to Clarke: Lexa had started the conversation with her for other reasons than arguing. Another thing that stood out was that it was like once Clarke had acknowledged she knew who she was, Lexa’s demeanor had shifted entirely. Did she not want Clarke to know who she was? Had she been looking for a one night stand? Did she even know who Clarke was when she made contact? Clarke didn’t know whether to be offended or flattered, if she were honest. Before they began arguing, she had definitely been thinking R-rated thoughts about the other woman. It didn’t take long into their argument for the reason for the R-rating to shift from sexual content and nudity to one of violence and language.

Lexa Woods.

She was an infuriating woman, and Clarke hated that she had let the woman affect her so strongly. It didn’t help that her mother scolded her for long, exhausting minutes after her speech. The last time she had argued so outwardly with her mother, it was because her mother had told her about Kane. It wasn’t that Clarke didn’t like the man; in fact, she respected him quite a bit. He had been part of her life for years, so Clarke honestly wasn’t surprised that their friendship turned into something more. It was more that it was hard to see her mother finally moving on from her father. It was hard to watch another man escort her mother around parties. Even if they hadn’t disclosed their relationship to the public, her mother and Kane were actually a great couple. Clarke wished she could be more openly supportive of them because she knew that she was a major reason why they had not revealed their relationship outside of their close-knit friends group.

Fighting with her mother always drained Clarke. She didn’t always give in, but she knew when she had done something wrong. Fighting with Lexa, who provided one of their biggest donations, was not a great way to make lasting impressions with people in power who could potentially help the cause. Lexa may not like the policy change aspect of it, but she could have more influence than she probably even knew. There was no doubt that Lexa was confident and strong and understood her power quite well, but Clarke could sense that Lexa was a businessperson first.

That’s why Clarke agreed to visit Lexa to potentially form an alliance. Her mother wanted her to apologize for offending her, but there was no way in hell she was doing that. She wasn’t sorry about anything, nor did she need to be sorry for anything. She had done nothing wrong; neither had Lexa. No, this meeting wasn’t about apologies. This meeting wasn’t about begging for her not to back out as a donor. Instead, Clarke agreed to meet with Lexa because she could potentially become a powerful ally in this overall fight, regardless of the other woman’s feelings on the matter. Her mother wanted her to go and apologize, but Clarke had decided to propose something to Lexa instead; something that could potentially benefit them both.

It had been two days since the event, so Clarke had time to calm down, too. It wouldn’t do either party any good if Clarke walked into Lexa’s office and immediately went on the offensive. That didn’t make her any less nervous that her proposal wouldn’t be met with derision. Lexa had not left any indication that she would be happy about meeting again, and why should she? Clarke knew she wasn’t happy about it, but she was willing to do what was right to save her people. Octavia was her people, and she needed to save her job. If she happened to make real changes through her leadership role in this campaign, then all the better.

A few times, Clarke considered taking a bottle of Macallan as a peace offering, but honestly, she didn’t want a personal reminder of what made them start talking in the first place. If she brought scotch as a peace offering, then she was afraid of reverting back to her hyperawareness of Lexa’s presence. That was something she couldn’t afford. Not that she would want to or had thought about it past those brief moments at the beginning of their conversation.

Clarke wanted to be angry, but she found she couldn’t be. Not anymore. She was more frustrated than anything because she knew what she was about to do was flirting with the impossible. Still, she had observed her mother enough over the years in politics to know when and who to ask for help, regardless of who the person was sometimes.

Lexa Woods.

Clarke knew she didn’t have much time to waste today; she had to be at the hospital right after her meeting. Honestly, it was one reason she had set up the meeting this morning: so that she would not be tempted to argue or worry about pleasantries. She had to go in there and be confident and in no way apologize. Her mother was excited about Clarke’s proposal and wanted them to work together, but that didn’t mean Clarke had to like it. No, she was there to broker peace and an alliance and that was it. So, why were her palms sweating like she was about to meet her date’s parents for the first time?

Looking up at the building in front of her, Clarke decided she couldn’t waste any more time standing outside. She had to go inside and find Lexa. They needed to say whatever needed to be said and move along. Then, they could possibly, maybe form this alliance and really make a difference in music education. Clarke wasn’t happy the consequences that brought her to this place, but she was smart enough and forward-thinking enough to recognize a good political move. She had been spending way too much time watching her mother and Kane to not know a good opportunity when she saw one.

As she signed into the front desk and was escorted to the elevator by a security guard, Clarke’s anxiety rose with every floor light that showed their ascent. Surprisingly, they did not stop on the top floor. She half expected Lexa to be cliché like that; Clarke wasn’t entirely sure she wouldn’t be that cliché if she were that young and ran such a big business. If she ever became chief of surgery, she would definitely want the big office.

When they reached the floor that was obviously entirely devoted to Lexa’s office of operations, Clarke didn’t even have to sit or stand. Lexa didn’t make her wait, which was just as surprising as the non-top floor. Instead, she was escorted right in when they reached a set of thick wooden double doors, complete with ornate gold records as handles. At least something was a little bit cliché, and Clarke had to admit she enjoyed seeing this aspect of Lexa’s office because it made her less intimidating somehow. Clarke rediscovered her confidence as she walked into the office and saw Lexa leaning in her chair, twirling an ink pen across her palm.

Now that she was here, though, Clarke didn’t know how to start the conversation. So, she just stood there and observed Lexa in her office chair, which seemed more like a throne as the seat back came up above her head. Sitting there, she looked every bit the powerful that she was, and Clarke was both impressed and not surprised. Her mother’s business suits weren’t even pressed that pristinely, but Lexa’s seemed to be perfectly pressed. Looking down at herself briefly, Clarke realized she should have done a better job of using the lint roller on her pants this morning. Something about this space made her more self-conscious of her appearance, even though she knew she would be changing into scrubs once she got to the hospital. The only thing that was seemingly out of place on Lexa was her hair, which Clarke imagined was an impossible task to tame fully. She wished that she had paid more attention to Lexa’s hair the other night because her hair made Clarke slightly jealous. It was all thick and full and shining. And clean. That was the best way she could explain Lexa’s hair right now; it made Clarke feel like she hadn’t bathed or washed her own hair in months, even though she knew she had because Raven had stolen her towel again.

“You’re the one who called for this meeting.” Lexa speaking made Clarke realize they had been standing there for several moments just staring at each other. It made Clarke realize that they were alone in this room, and that both excited and unnerved her. She refused to let the other woman know how she affected her because it was the exact opposite of what Clarke wanted right now. She could acknowledge attractiveness, but that didn’t mean she needed or wanted to do anything about it. Lexa was too complicated and difficult, and she pissed Clarke off the other night. They obviously would never get along, so it was safe to admit Lexa was attractive because Clarke would never allow herself to do anything about it. At least not now; not after talking to her.

“You’re the one who agreed to it.” Clarke walked further into the room, raising her eyebrow slightly, thinking she was challenging.

“What did you want to discuss, Clarke?” Lexa raised her eyebrow in response but stayed seated in place, spinning the pen in place along her index finger. It was supposed to unnerve Clarke, but she could only laugh at the obvious tactic. After having your hands on another person’s open heart, silly power tactics like this were nothing to her.

“I merely came on behalf of my mother’s campaign. I wanted to ensure I didn’t offend you the other night.” Clarke just scoffed lightly before moving to stand right in front of Lexa’s desk, looking down at her. The other woman wasn’t the only one who knew how to use her space to take control of a situation. “And I’ve come to make you an offer.”

“This meeting is not a negotiation.” Lexa placed the pen down on the desk, and Clarke had to swallow to keep herself grounded in place. Clarke was honestly hoping for more of a visible response, but it was obvious Lexa was good at controlling her emotions. Again, Clarke was impressed despite her disappointment. “And I’m not retracting my donation, Clarke.”

“Oh. Good. That’s good.” She was expecting this meeting to go much differently. She half expected there to be yelling and potentially fighting. Clarke never expected Lexa to be this calm and collected behind closed doors; she had assumed that her demeanor the other night was because they were in public. “I can help your company’s image.”

“Is that your proposal? To help my image?” That didn’t mean she wouldn’t be rude. This is the woman Clarke had expected to meet, and it honestly made it easier for Clarke to remember that a pretty face didn’t equate a good personality.

“Actually, yes. It’s about what you said.” Clarke narrowed her eyes and let out a slow breath through her nose. Perhaps Lexa’s power moves were more effective than originally thought because there was no way Clarke was this affected because of her obvious attraction to the woman sitting across from her. There was something else entirely happening in this moment. There had to be. “While I may not agree with your opinions or your way of wanting to do things, I can recognize there’s also some flaws in my approach, as well. My mother asked me to come apologize, but I thought it would be beneficial if we worked together to come up with a more…reasonable solution since you will have more insider knowledge and access to influential music personalities that could potentially help the cause.”

“You think I will be an asset.” Lexa’s expression was almost unreadable. Almost. Clarke was close enough and paying enough attention to notice the quiet way the left corner of her mouth upturned. It somehow made her more human and less intimidating and every bit the young woman she actually was.

“Yes.”

“You want to form an alliance.”

“Yes.”

“For music education.”

“Yes.”            

“Do you have anything meaningful to add or are you just going to agree with every bit of information as I process it out loud?”

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean. Dammit.” Clarke cleared her throat. This conversation was quickly becoming intolerable, and Clarke really did need to be at the hospital soon. She didn’t have time for silly banter. She looked at her watch, hoping that Lexa would get the hint. The other woman simply raised her eyebrow in question, making Clarke feel guilty for looking away.

“Tell me, Clarke. What makes you think this alliance is a good thing?” Lexa stood up, but she did not break eye contact once. Instead, she walked around the desk and stood right next to Clarke, intimating the same position they were in the other night. “What makes you think you can help my image? Or that I believe my company needs your help with this? I have a team of experts who do this for me already. What do you offer that is different?”

“It’s for a good cause.” Clarke felt a headache coming on, and she wasn’t entirely positive it wasn’t because her senses were being attacked by the woods and musk of Lexa’s cologne.

“A good cause? Is that all?” She was way too close and leaning too far into Clarke’s personal space. The smirk on her face was clear now and just served to make Clarke angry. It was almost patronizing, like she was challenging her instead of making casual conversation.

“My friend, Octavia. I need to save her job. She’s my people, and I have to do what is best for my people.” Clarke felt her face flush, but she was positive it was from anger. Why didn’t this woman have to be so frustrating?            

“So you want to form an alliance with me, claiming to help my image, yet you have yet to tell me how you will accomplish this. Instead, you tell me how I can help you.”

“You’re impossible.” Clarke didn’t mean to sound angry, or maybe she did. At this point, Clarke stopped thinking too much and decided to just express herself fully. Lexa was making her angry, and she couldn’t quite explain it, just that it was happening. “Maybe this was a mistake. Our goals in no way match.”

“Don’t they, though?” Lexa’s smirk was definitely part of the reason for Clarke’s anger. How could she stay so calm when it was clear that Clarke was upset? Who had that level of self control? Automatons; that’s who. There was no way Lexa experienced emotions like a normal person. She was worse than the patients Clarke would see after they had been on heavy doses of anti-depressants. “I merely stated my dissatisfaction with the politics pertaining to hosting lavish parties. I never stated I disagreed with the cause. I’m in the music business. Of course our goals match here. Of course I don’t want music education to be eradicated. Of course your proposed alliance makes sense, but I sense that this proposal isn’t entirely something you are happy about, and I am not sure how this fits your claim to help my image.”

“It’s what makes sense. It was my idea, and my mother seems to think I’m the person who should work with you because I’m the de facto leader of this campaign. I have to agree with her that you’re in a position to truly make changes in this, despite your thinking on the political matters. This would help your image because it would show your people how invested you are in the business. It shows that you see the bigger picture and understand that youth are a large part and the future of the capitalist structure, and that to save the students and teachers from Mount Weather High would just be a small step in a much bigger plan. You wouldn’t be just saving jobs and creative expression; you would be forming an image that says you care about the future of your business.” Clarke took a deep breath through her nose and remembered suddenly why she was here. She was here because she needed to be here, despite her own disagreement with the woman in front of her. She was meant to be here, asking for help from this woman. Lexa may not like the politics, but Clarke had been in her mother’s shadow enough the past few years to understand how this worked. Her own personal grievances needed to be placed aside. Finally, Clarke noticed a shift in Lexa’s expression; it was subtle, but it was there. Somehow, she knew she was getting to her. “But if you’d prefer for us not to work together…”

“I’m merely saying that joining forces could be beneficial, but if _you_ don’t want to work together, then I can perhaps put one of my associates on it.” Lexa’s eyes were wide and expressive. Looking at her, Clarke felt like she could almost see a crying need behind those eyes. For some reason, Clarke couldn’t imagine working with anyone else in this company. Lexa was in charge, so it made the most sense to go with the person in power. The enemy you know is better than the unknown. Clarke realized in that moment that she actually needed Lexa to make this work. While she knew her mother wanted her to apologize to Lexa to not lose a donor, Clarke had been the one to suggest proposing this alliance. Her mother merely wanted a connection to the music business, but Clarke saw the benefits of having a high-powered music executive in the campaign as a whole. She hated to admit it, but Clarke really did need her.

“It’ll probably include more of those ghastly lavish parties you love so much.” Clarke allowed herself to smirk before glancing behind Lexa to the walls, knowing that Lexa understand her meaning. Nobody else but her. There were no clocks in here, which she found odd. Even though she didn’t see the time and refused to look at her watch again, Clarke still knew she had to leave. She couldn’t afford to be late if she wanted to make the best impression on her attendings. “I need to get to the hospital, but we can set up a meeting soon to talk about this more.”

“Of course. I will have Indra call you to make arrangements.” Lexa nodded lightly, and Clarke somehow knew this was her way of agreeing. Or at least to try. That’s all Clarke could honestly ask for right now. She moved to the door but turned around before turning the handle.

“I will check my scheduled rotations and let her know.” She noticed that Lexa had yet to move from her spot, but what was more surprising was the slight smirk that seemed to appear in Lexa’s eyes.            

“May we meet again, Clarke.” Her face gave nothing away, but her eyes were quite telling.            

“May we meet again.” Clarke didn’t want to smile outwardly, but she allowed herself a brief reprieve before exiting the room.

As she was riding down the elevator, she pulled up her phone calendar to examine her schedule for the next week. She would be ready once she arrived at the hospital to confirm her rotations for this week. Clarke didn’t want to presume this would work, so she only planned on making one appointment and then going from there. While she was still upset and disagreed with Lexa, Clarke recognized that they were both smart enough to know a good opportunity. Even if they didn’t like working together, they would at least know they had done something good to change the world. For now, though, they would have to take it one day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has 20 chapters, and it is just getting started. There are definitely modern parallels to the events in the show, but being as there is no post-apocalyptic world, there are creative differences in this appropriation. Just a note that these are alternating POV chapters, so these are intrapersonal musings on how either Clarke or Lexa see the world. Sometimes, in the moment, our imagined interactions do not always match our realities, leading into expectancy violations (both positive and negative). So, keep that in mind as you take this journey. (My Communication major is showing.)
> 
> As always, I will post on Wednesdays as I can. This chapter required lots of edits. Let me know what you think.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to make a move.

Chapter Four 

“So slide over here/And give me a moment.”

-INXS, “Need You Tonight”

* * *

 

Clarke was not surprised that Indra had called her only hours after her meeting with Lexa. She had barely pulled on her scrub top in the locker room when her phone rang. Apparently, Lexa had insisted they have a short meeting on the phone first to discuss materials needed for their longer meeting. This baffled Clarke, since it seemed silly to have someone set up a phone meeting through her assistant. Why wouldn’t she just give Clarke her phone number when she was there? Lexa was definitely a confusing person, but Clarke understood that she was probably also busy, and this proposed alliance was not part of her main duties as CEO, so Clarke was able to finally recognize the small action for what it was. It wasn’t just a power move; no, this was a protective move. When Indra relayed Lexa’s private cell phone number, she did not sound happy about giving this information. It was the woman’s private line; the one she had access to at all times. Of course, Indra’s threats about leaking the private number to anyone else were actually quite frightening. That’s what confused Clarke. Lexa had asked Indra to set up a phone meeting with her, but had given out extremely private information. Clarke got the impression that not many people were allowed this access, and she didn’t know if she should be happy about it or not.

At least not yet.

What was even more confusing was their first phone conversation. It was short, only lasting about five minutes. Clarke had expected to start working on ideas immediately, so she made sure to be available for at least an hour, hiding in the on call room before trying to get some sleep during a particularly long shift. Instead of throwing around ideas, Lexa had called her during their scheduled meeting time to set up another phone meeting. The first conversation was quick and consisted of Clarke being commanded to gather a list of all resources and ideas.

Clarke was pissed and couldn’t sleep because she was so angry. Instead, poor Raven was stuck with her aggressive texting until she was called for her rounds.

The second phone call was not much better, though Clarke had done as Lexa asked by gathering her resources. However, instead of discussing their lists, Lexa had commanded Clarke to send over her list immediately and that their alliance would begin once the documents were delivered to her. The call had ended just as quickly and just the same as the last: with them setting up another phone meeting. Clarke was so thrown by their exchanges to that point that she had just agreed in the moment. She had even gathered the documents and had them delivered to the lobby desk of Polis Tower, knowing the documents would get to Lexa somehow since the Polis only housed Coalition Records thanks to a merger last year.

Clarke demanded to see Lexa instead of waiting for their next phone meeting. When she was refused access, Clarke considered running past the security guards to jump on the elevator as it was closing but instead stormed out of the building and stood on the streets, dialing the private number she was given, surprised when there was an answer.

“I came to deliver these fucking documents to you, and you won’t see me?” She was careful not to walk out into the streets, but she was not entirely aware of her surroundings, either. Clarke was so angry at being rejected and pushed aside like this was nothing. Lexa had agreed to work on this with her. Why was she being so difficult? “Are you that much of an ass that you can’t see me in person?”

“We are what we are.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.” Clarke let out a breath, not entirely sure if the other woman was on the line still because of the silence on the other end.

“We can set up a meeting once the basics are settled. I will review those documents and then maybe we can move forward.”

“Fine. I’ve left the documents, but once you have those, we are finally going to sit down and talk about how to find a solution.”

“We want the same things, Clarke.”

“Good. Then, this week. We set up a meeting.”

“Very well. Choose your time.”

“Fine. Tomorrow. I’m off rotation for the day.” She was off rotation, but she was still on call. Clarke would take her chances because she knew she wouldn’t have a chance for another week, and she didn’t want to wait that long.

“I will have Indra…”            

“No, we do this now. No more Indra. It’s just you and me. You gave me your number for a reason, and I’m tired of these little back and forths. We need to sit down and start coming up with a plan.” She needed Lexa to understand that they needed to move now. At this rate, the school board would meet to decide Mount Weather High Music Department’s fate before Lexa even got off her throne of an office chair and met with her to come up with a plan.

“Very well. Tomorrow night. 7:30. Don’t be late.” After that, Lexa had ended the call, leaving Clarke staring at her phone in the middle of the busy New York sidewalk outside of Polis Tower. At least she managed to get a sit down meeting this time.

Of course she was late.

Even though she wasn’t on rotation, she was still on call, but she did not want to tell Lexa this. So, whenever her attending called her in to help with emergency services, Clarke had rushed to the hospital. Today was a good day because she was given lead on a young woman with a gunshot wound to her abdomen, and she was able to save her life. After the surgery, she had wanted to celebrate with her fellow residents, but they were all called to other surgeries and Clarke was released for the day. That’s when she realized that it was already past 6:00 and she still needed to shower before heading to Lexa’s office. She hopped the subway right to Polis Tower from the Arkadia Hospital, realizing how tired she was only as she listened to the hum and crank of the subway as it moved through underground Manhattan.

When she arrived, her hair was still drying slightly on the ends, and she played with them as the night guard turned the key to allow her access to Lexa’s floor. She wasn’t surprised to find the floor dimly lit, but she was surprised to find Lexa’s office door open and nobody else here. The hum of the air ducts were her only soundtrack as she made her way into Lexa’s office, knocking lightly to alert the other woman of her presence.

Lexa was sitting behind her desk, staring at her computer screen. When Clarke knocked, she had not looked up from her reading and only held up her hand to indicate Clarke could enter. She did so slowly, recognizing the familiar smells of garlic and cumin wafting around the room. The brown paper bag sitting across the room on a coffee table was still stapled shut. As though the smells were guiding her, Clarke moved over to sit on the couch next to the food. She half expected the couch to be stiff like Lexa was, but it was surprisingly cozy. What little she knew of Lexa, Clarke suspected that the woman had spent several nights here alone, so there was obviously a reason for a comfy couch in her office.

“Clarke.” Lexa sat down and startled her. She had been so focused on her observations of Lexa’s couch cushions that she had failed to pay attention to the stealthy woman.

“Lexa.” Clarke actually found herself smirking slightly, despite still feeling anger at it taking this long to meet in person again. Looking at Lexa with the sun setting over the skyline behind them made Clarke’s anger slightly dissipate. This felt too much like some weird version of a date, so she began to understand the need to establish a professional working relationship first considering their first interaction began with physical attraction. She now understood Lexa’s reasoning for the impersonal phone meetings. They had to draw a clear line up front.

“I had Indian food delivered, since I figured you may be hungry.”

“Thank you. That was thoughtful.” Clarke was not prepared to admit that she was hungry and didn’t realize she hadn’t eaten since before she went to the hospital at noon. Even then, the bagel and lox she grabbed from the hospital cafeteria on her way to the locker room was not entirely filling.

“Of course.” Lexa opened the bag and pulled out a few containers of food, pushing them towards Clarke. “I got you a variety because I did not know your preferences. You may take as much as you like.”

“Are you not eating?” Clarke felt guilty for leaning forward to start grabbing containers when she noticed Lexa was not doing the same. Instead, she had pulled a manila folder onto her lap.

“I have already eaten.” That was one way to make it less of a date.

“Well, thank you.” Clarke felt self-conscious about being the only one eating, so she took a container with what looked like a simple curry-based meat, opting to forego her favorite saag paneer in fear that she would get spinach stuck in her teeth. She began eating while Lexa opened the folder.

The early fall sun was starting to set outside, and the view from Lexa’s office was quietly awe-inspiring. They sat next to each other, Clarke carefully taking small bites of her food and being more careful not to make pleased sounds. How could Lexa possibly know that Indian food was Clarke’s weakness? It could not be a coincidence because normal people would probably order Chinese or pizza, if they weren’t willing to ask the other person if they even wanted food. Clarke hadn’t even known she would be hungry or unable to eat, so how did Lexa know?

While Clarke finished her dinner, Lexa talked her way through the documents that Clarke had dropped off the other day before talking her way through her own documents that she must’ve added to the folder.

The next hour consisted of actual business discussions, and Clarke felt like they were finally getting somewhere. It was not a revelation that Lexa was intelligent and knew how the process worked; she had no doubt done her homework on the topic. Even though she claimed to not like the politics behind the situation, Lexa clearly had a mind for it. Clarke felt good that they were moving forward, and even better when they set up another physical meeting to discuss their next moves, especially considering it didn’t take a phone call or Indra to make it happen.

While Lexa was packing up her bags for the evening, Clarke did the same. They left the office together, and again Clarke found herself walking the open hallways of Lexa’s floor with just the sound of the air vents humming. Lexa barely even made sound when she walked; no wonder she was able to sneak up on her in the same room earlier. It wasn’t until they were on the elevator beginning their descent that Clarke couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Why does Indra call you ‘heda’?”

“It means ‘commander’ in her native tongue.”

“Huh. My friends call me princess, but I’ll spare you that story. I’m not a fan.” Clarke looked up at the floor lights, indicating they were slowly moving down several floors. Lexa may not be the top floor, but she was certainly up there. The silence filled the elevator again, and Clarke felt compelled to fill it. She turned to Lexa, hoping she was not overstepping the line they had established. “I’m not just doing this to save Octavia’s job. I really do care about this. When my father died, my school didn’t have an art program, and I needed that. I don’t want kids to miss out on the ability to express themselves in a creative way. I wish I’d had that support from teachers and other students when I was in school. I still sketch, but I feel like I missed out on something. Something big.”

“I used to play music.” Lexa had taken so long to respond that Clarke was startled slightly. “My father was a musician before he started this company. You’ve no doubt heard his music. His songs were about my mother, and then his heart failed him.” Lexa turned to look at her, and Clarke could see a fierce determination, but there was something in her eyes that looked like hesitation. Whether it was hesitation to reveal this information or something else, Clarke wasn’t sure. Lexa wasn’t exactly the easiest person to read, and that was probably from years of becoming that person. Still, her eyes were telling. “I understand the need for creative expression. I wrote music because I was inspired by someone once. But she left and my business suffered because I was too blinded to see what was happening. My heart failed me, as well, but I’m no longer weak.”

“You still play? Write?” Clarke tried to process everything, amazed that Lexa was opening up to her like this. It made their meetings more personal somehow, and Clarke realized she was starting to understand Lexa finally. At least a little bit. Of course she had heard Harlan Woods’s music; his songs were the epitome of love ballads spanning decades of music history. Raven even bragged about losing her virginity to a Harlan Woods song once she found out Clarke was talking to Lexa. His songs were beautiful and powerful, so it was surprising to find out his daughter was not the same. Clarke could admit her disappointment at that because it would have made their exchanges much easier. Losing her father and this other woman obviously affected Lexa on a deeper level.            

“Not for many years. I recognized my and my father’s mistake for what it was.”            

“What? Love is a mistake? Loving someone so much that you need to express it through song? Through art?” Clarke leaned forward slightly and watched Lexa’s slight nod. “So you just stopped playing completely? I could never do that. I need my creative outlet, my art, especially now that I am faced with death every day.”

“Then you risk being incapable of separating your feelings from business. You put Octavia’s job in danger if you cannot see that love is weakness whenever business and politics are involved. There is no place for love in our world, Clarke.” Lexa’s jaw was visibly stiffening, and Clarke narrowed her eyes to observe this woman even closer. How could somebody think that love was weakness? Especially somebody who was successful at selling that very thing? Music was full of love, and Lexa sold music, even though Clarke wasn’t a fan of any Coalition Records artists. Lexa was good at her job, but there was always something lacking in the songs that the labels produced, at least for Clarke’s tastes. Obviously, people still bought into what they were selling because radio play was bombarded with Coalition artists. Nobody who was that successful at recognizing amazing musicians and songs had to understand the importance of love. However, it looked like Lexa believed what she was saying; Clarke just didn’t believe she was actually that person.

“But you do understand that this is important. That these kids need this in order to survive.” Clarke heard the elevator door open more than she saw it because she was intently focused on Lexa’s face.

“I will do what is best for my business.” Lexa nodded before walking off the elevator, Clarke following after her without thinking about it. They stood in the lobby, the night guard nowhere in sight.

“Then that’s at least something.” Clarke smiled slightly because that _was_ something.

“Good night, Clarke.” Lexa returned the smile, though it was much more subtle. Nobody who wasn’t standing there in that moment and looking her in the eyes would even recognize it as a smile.            

“Good night, Commander.” Clarke watched as Lexa turned and began walking down the hall, leaving Clarke standing there unable to take her eyes off of her retreating back until she was gone. The night guard clearing his throat alerted her that she needed to make her exit, as well.

As she stood outside, hand in the air waiting for a cab to stop, Clarke felt proud of what they managed to accomplish. She had been complaining about Lexa for days to her mother and friends. She had no idea that working with Lexa would be like this. Clarke couldn’t even think of the word, but she knew as she maneuvered her way into the back of the cab that they were finally getting somehow. Clarke realized then that she felt hope; it wasn’t much, but for the first time since they started this campaign, Clarke felt like they actually had a shot at defeating Mount Weather. And that honestly scared her.

* * *

 

After two weeks of meetings, Lexa was starting to feel like they were getting nowhere. Whenever she would mention an idea, Clarke would audibly scoff at her and tell her she was wrong. The other woman was challenging her in such a direct manner, and it was beginning to anger Lexa. Nobody had ever outwardly challenged her before and lived to tell the tale. Okay, so that was overly dramatic. She just fired them.

Clarke Griffin was frustrating her to no end, it seemed, and Lexa honestly began to respect her more and more for it. She couldn’t fire Clarke; sure, she could just stop working together in this so-called alliance, but Lexa was starting to warm to Clarke’s passion for the project. It was clear the other woman truly cared about this topic and wanted to change the world for the better. Even though Lexa disagreed with most of her ideas, she could definitely recognize the leadership qualities in Clarke.

Titus had grown tired of her constant late night ramblings, reminding Lexa that she just needed to calm her emotional response to the situation because maybe she was getting too close to the stubborn doctor. He had been with her since Gustus had taken over her custody, so she wasn’t particularly surprised that her private tutor and caretaker would share Gustus’s business ideals. At least Gustus didn’t treat the teachings as though they were religious doctrine; sometimes, Titus took it to extremes, but still Lexa had listened and learned because they were both giving sound advice. And Titus had been there with her since she was twelve. He was her direct caretaker and confidante, and he did mean well. But he didn’t see what she was seeing.

Clarke was special. Somehow, Lexa sensed that there was something more about Clarke Griffin that made her role in this world much more complicated and awe-inspiring. Titus was just worried that Lexa was starting to grow weak, that she was starting to develop feelings for Clarke, and Lexa couldn’t exactly deny this because she wasn’t entirely sure that the other woman wasn’t starting to affect her more strongly than originally suspected.

Lexa had tried doing everything she could to make their meetings strictly professional. She followed all of the power moves Gustus had shown her about private negotiation meetings. While she always ordered Clarke food, she never ate anything in front of her, usually eating once she got home despite telling Clarke that she had already eaten. For some reason, Lexa didn’t want the other woman to worry about her or even ask her to eat something; she wasn’t entirely sure she would not caved and broken her own rules.

Titus had been there for her during and after the Costia incident. He had seen her broken and helped her remember that love was weakness. Clarke may have scoffed at the idea a few weeks ago, but that’s how she survived. That’s how she managed to run a successful business. Even though her shareholders were concerned and pressuring her to take a partner, the idea of love being included in that “romantic” agreement was to be void. There could be no love in a business dealing like that. There could be no love period. Titus was the only one who seemed to back her up on not taking a partner, claiming that successful leaders did so alone. There could be nothing that shifted their focus that way because they would always be able to put their business affairs and shareholders first.

That didn’t make Clarke any less alluring, though. Lexa was drawn to her, and not just because she was beautiful. No, Clarke was special and something told her that they may actually succeed in this business endeavor. That they actually could change the world.

That didn’t make Clarke any less frustrating, though. They hardly ever agreed on anything other than that they needed to agree on something. Whenever they would make movement in the project, Lexa would suggest the next business move and Clarke would just tell her that wasn’t how politics worked. Titus was tired of hearing her complain, so Lexa decided to vent to her cousin instead. Anya at least was a bit more detached from the situation because she hadn’t seen them interact like Titus had. Plus, they were due for a family meeting, so they arranged to have dinner together at the new upscale restaurant that Lexa didn’t care to learn the name of before Indra reserved it.

“She’s frustrating.” Lexa gripped the glass in her hand tighter than necessary, feeling the relief that came from the water as it filled her mouth. The waiter had just left with their orders, and Lexa had already changed her mind about what she wanted to eat. Too late, though, as he had disappeared from her sight.

“She has a job, too, you know. _Doctor_ Griffin? She’s just as busy as you are and can’t come on a whim just because you command her to.” Anya had nothing but a perpetual smirk on her face anymore. When she didn’t look angry and like she could slit a person’s throat at a moment’s notice, Anya looked overly smug like she knew everything about the world and wasn’t sharing her knowledge with anyone. Lexa much preferred angry Anya.

“I know that. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating. She’s the one who demanded we work together.” Lexa leaned back in her seat, quite aware that she was acting slightly like a petulant child. When she noticed Anya’s left eyebrow raise higher, Lexa uncrossed her arms and sat up straighter. She wasn’t prepared to admit she was pouting a little and just wet her lips to pretend like that was the purpose of her lip placement.

“You’re the one who agreed to it.” Anya cleared her throat and shifted slightly to business mode. It never took them long to shift, if they ever left business behind at all. Still, there was a hint of a smirk still on her lips. “You did your part; the shareholders would’ve been happy with just the donation. You didn’t need to do this for your image or for the company’s image. Coalition is just fine without this alliance, Lexa.”

“But it doesn’t hurt.” Lexa had been trying to rationalize everything. She tried to understand just why she kept working with Clarke, despite their meetings never developing anything fruitful. It never took Lexa this long to make decisions; mostly because she was always the one making the decisions alone. It was different working with somebody else, especially somebody had the opposite opinion and approach as hers. “With the shareholders on my back about my future, I needed something to show them that I am forward thinking. At least this is something I do care about.”

“I’m sure that Clarke being a successful surgeon and a senator’s daughter looks good, too.” Anya nodded to the waiter as he approached the table, pouring them each a glass of Chambourcin. Lexa held her hand up in the air to stop him, and he immediately moved to leave once he had settled the bottle in its ice bucket. Lexa knew she wouldn’t drink much of it; she wasn’t much of a wine person, but Anya loved the stuff and had dragged her to countless wineries and vineyard tours ever since she had turned legal age. The only time Lexa ever drank wine was during family meetings, and that was because she didn’t want to be the one holding them back from ordering a bottle of what they wanted. It was easier for them to rationalize ordering an expensive bottle if other people were going to drink it in theory, despite them drinking most of it by themselves. “You say you don’t want to play this political romance game with the shareholders, but you’re walking a dangerous line here.” However, the interruption did not deter Anya from their conversation. “Clarke is exactly what the shareholders would want to see and you know it.”

“Clarke has nothing to do with this.” Lexa lifted the wine glass to her lips but barely took a sip. She knew there would be hardly any gone from her glass by the time Anya had finished off the rest of the bottle. It was always the same. “And the shareholders can kiss my ass.”

“Such language, kid.” Anya picked up the glass and swirled it around before sniffing it. It always annoyed Lexa when people would do that, especially her cousin because she even knew it annoyed her.

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not a child anymore.”

“Oh, I’ve noticed. You’re all woman. I’ll bet Clarke has noticed, too.”

“Shof op.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Indra, _Heda_.” Anya finally took a sip from her glass, chuckling lightly under her breath. Lexa knew that the Clarke conversation was over for now, and she was slightly relieved, even though she needed to vent even more.

The rest of the dinner conversation had steered towards actual family business, much like their meetings usually did. Gustus and Nyko would be vacationing next week, and Anya voiced her suspicions that they were crossing a line but that she was happy for her father and stepfather. Lexa had suspected as much, too, but she wasn’t sure how to process this information. Gustus had not wanted her to be weak by falling in love again, and yet he was possibly falling in love with his arranged partner. Knowing this did not help her quell those feelings threatening to surface whenever she was around Clarke, but at least she was aware enough that she needed to keep their relationship professional. Once their enemy had been defeated, then they could part their separate ways. That’s when Lexa realized why she had been so difficult in the meetings.

Her driver was taking way too long to get her home from the restaurant, and she was given too much time to think as she observed the passengers in the cars they passed and the pedestrians along the streets. Once it dawned on her what she was doing, Lexa scowled and audibly scoffed in the backseat. Her driver knew not to acknowledge her. Instead, she rolled her eyes and vowed to start thinking with her head again because somehow Clarke Griffin had already weaseled her way in and Lexa was afraid of what would happen when their alliance ended. At their next meeting, Lexa promised herself to stop stalling and actually start to compromise. Maybe it would be better to get this over with quicker because the sooner Clarke was gone, the sooner she could get back to leading her actual business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a media and communication researcher, I find it compelling the upsurge of fics, fandom creations, and fandom support systems since 3x07. It makes me proud that I chose to follow this fandom. 
> 
> Also, I wrote an entire blog post on the sociological criticism of the death, if you are interested: 
> 
> http://rin1010.tumblr.com/post/140435021937/lexas-death-sociological-critical-analysis


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Times, they are a'changin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long one this time. I also couldn't wait until Wednesday to post this.

Chapter Five

“The winds of change are blowing wild and free/ You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.”

-Bob Dylan, “To Make You Feel My Love”

* * *

 

After realizing she was being affected by Clarke and unconsciously sabotaging herself, Lexa had decided to work harder to compromise with her. After all, it wasn’t like Clarke had bad ideas; they were actually quite good political moves. Rallies. Fundraisers. Trying to get the community involved. They were good ideas, but Lexa couldn’t shake her upbringing and her ideals about how to succeed in business, and that didn’t include the political aspects as much. At least not to the degree that Clarke tried to make it.

When Clarke would suggest ideas, she did this thing where she would bite her lip and scrunch her eyebrows together, almost like she was worried her ideas would be rejected again. Lexa had to force herself to listen in those moments instead of stare because this confident woman was beautiful in her insecurities. Still, Lexa had a hard time giving into Clarke’s ideas. Her head was telling her to start finding a compromise so they could end their alliance, but heart enjoyed Clarke’s company too much to just let her walk away.

Two weeks. That’s how long it took her to finally be the confident leader she was and do what was right for her and her business. She had been spending too much time with Clarke that she should’ve been using to figure out the leak in the Azgeda label of Coalition. Instead, she was busy focusing on something she seemed unwilling to move on. It was time to finally compromise.

Of course her entire support system had been giving her warring advice. Gustus and Anya kept suggesting that she choose Clarke to take as a partner. They were right; Dr. Clarke Griffin, senator’s daughter, was exactly what the shareholders would like. Lexa refused to let that be her reason to pursue the other woman, though. If she were to even entertain the idea of pursuing Clarke, it would probably be because the woman was being complicated and the opposite of what the shareholders and her family wanted.

Indra and Titus had opposite opinions. They wanted Clarke gone, and Indra had even suggested offing her herself to end the alliance. Titus just constantly reminded her of his teachings that love was weakness and that she’d be a better leader without the distraction. He took every opportunity he could to tell Lexa she was distracted and was not subtle about what he thought was the cause. When he would outwardly defy Clarke’s presence in her home, Titus was often excused for the evening to leave them alone. He liked that even less. Clarke had even taken to teasing Titus whenever she was at Lexa’s doorstep and he had to let her in. Titus did not seem to intimidate Clarke, but somehow Indra had her utmost respect. Probably because Indra was harder to get past to see Lexa than Titus was. Even though these two people weren’t her family, they were fiercely loyal and protective of her and did mean well.

Still, Lexa didn’t know what she wanted to do. She would feel confident and ready to close the deal and end their meetings forever, but then Clarke would do that thing.

What was worse is that Clarke was running late for their meeting today, so Lexa had decided to pick up their takeout and meet her at her apartment instead so that the other woman didn’t have to rush home then rush back across town. Lexa would be in foreign territory; she would be in Clarke’s home. Before, they had kept their meetings private in Lexa’s office after hours before they eventually moved to Lexa’s condo, where they had been meeting for the past two weeks. This would be the first time Lexa didn’t have home court advantage in their meetings, but the way Clarke had sounded desperate and tired on the phone made Lexa at least want to try and be accommodating. Perhaps this one little thing would help her start to compromise more so they could start to make a plan because they really did need to come up with something soon. This alliance, these meetings weren’t part of their job descriptions. It was what Anya was affectionately referring to as her pet project; one that she was quick to remind Lexa was not necessary before adding a knowing smirk and changing the subject.

Clarke was a busy doctor and their meetings had to be pushed back several times because of emergency surgeries, so rescheduling meetings was not something new. Lexa noticed her drive and ambition; they were not just driven by wanting to succeed in her chosen career path but because she genuinely cared and wanted to save lives. So, hearing that Clarke was tired, Lexa decided she had a little more leeway in her schedule considering she controlled her business. Clarke could not predict or control hers, and yet she still gave her everything into their negotiations. So, Lexa was going to at least try. That was at least a start.

After picking up the takeout, she made her way to Clarke’s place, only now remembering that the other woman had two roommates. Lexa had met them both on separate occasions, when they came to meet Clarke in the lobby after their meetings. They both gave her skeptical and challenging glares every time they met, but Lexa only found their attempts at intimidation amusing. They were obviously looking out for Clarke, and Lexa was glad the other woman had that in her life.

Once she was let into the building, Lexa had no trouble making her way to the fourth floor. The stairs in the building were tight, and she couldn’t imagine climbing these several times a day after being exhausted. Surely there had been an elevator somewhere that she’d missed. She hadn’t been in too many apartment complexes that didn’t at least have an elevator and a doorperson. She had always opted for her own place whenever she brought dates home with her because it was safer that way. It was that home court advantage that she was sorely missing in that moment, right as she knocked on Clarke’s door.

There was a deep bark on the other end of the door that could only mean that Clarke had a dog. This wasn’t new information to her because Clarke wasn’t as successful at removing the fur from her clothes as she probably thought she was. Lexa hadn’t been sure if it was a cat or dog, though, but the bark confirmed for her.

There were sounds of some movement inside the apartment. Lexa considered knocking again, more for something to do than an actual need. Clarke had buzzed her in downstairs, so she already knew she was here. Instead of knocking, Lexa just gripped the brown paper bag tighter by her side. The paper handles rubbed against her palm and were smooth against her fingertips as she ran her index finger idly over the strap. When the door finally opened, Clarke didn’t say anything in greeting. Just ushered her inside before shutting and locking the door. Lexa was surprised to not see a dog, but she swore she’d heard one.

“Sorry. Had to put Hunter in Raven’s room. When she gets home later, she’ll be mad at me if he eats the papers on her desk again, but I figured it’d be better than having him staring at us and trying to eat our papers.” Clarke rubbed her hands on her black slacks, and Lexa noticed the fur again. So there was definitely a dog. There was also definitely a half-dressed Clarke, who was standing in her slacks and white tank top with her dress shirt in the process of being unbuttoned. Only the bottom two buttons were holding her shirt together, and her cleavage was on perfect display. Lexa steeled her jaw and forced herself to look away. “I just got home like ten minutes ago, so you have impeccable timing.”

“Do you need a moment to settle? I can place the food on the counter over there.” She nodded her head to the obvious kitchen area and turned from her quick perusal of the colorful living area. She noticed Clarke holding her shirt together at the top, so there was no doubt that she’d been caught staring at her. Lexa had to admit that the slight blush that littered Clarke’s cheeks and neck were worth it, though, and she felt her confidence at being here start to build. Who needed home court advantage? Lexa held up the bag in her hand and realized how hungry she was. In her haste to get over here, she hadn’t prepared herself by eating first and the smells were making her own stomach growl. “Pad see ew and tom yum soup.”

“How do you always know what I like? It’s like you read my mind.” Clarke unclasped her hand from her shirt and took the bag from Lexa.

“I have my ways.” She could have sworn that Clarke was going to tease her about staring but she didn’t. Instead, her initial reaction to cover up had shifted back to confidence, and Lexa could also have sworn that she was leaning forward and showcasing her cleavage now.

“Well, it’s unnerving despite me being flattered and appreciative. Most people would consider it stalking.” Clarke started to move towards the kitchen area in the open living area, placing the bag down onto the island counter. Lexa moved to stand next to the counter but did not make a move to sit on one of the three stools there. She instead watched Clarke pull out two of everything, and Lexa had a feeling she was going to break her own rule today and give into Clarke’s prodding to eat with her.

“Anya does my research for me. I made sure to have you checked out before I joined an alliance with you. I had to know who I was getting into business with.” When Clarke laid the forks down on the counter next to the two place settings, that’s when Lexa sat down on one of the three stools. It was not a comfortable seat, obviously quite old with its worn edges that snagged at Lexa’s pants. “Your friends do not understand social media privacy settings very well.”

“They understand them just fine. They just live in the moment and aren’t afraid to put themselves out there in the world.” Clarke pulled down two glasses before pulling a stool over to a counter. Lexa just watched as the other woman started to rummage behind cereal boxes in a high cabinet before pulling out a bottle of scotch. She smiled triumphantly before hopping off the stool. “You on the other hand are not easy to find anything about.”

“There’s living in the moment, and then there’s putting things out there that make you look weak.” Lexa again noticed her cleavage and was obviously caught staring, but this time Clarke did not cover herself up and instead leaned forward, elbows on the counter and pushing her cleavage further together as she uncorked the bottle and started to pour the brown liquid into the glass. Lexa decided to focus on the liquid as it filled the glasses because it was safer than looking at Clarke in that moment. No ice. They were doing this hardcore.            

“You’re saying using social media makes us look weak, but all I’m hearing is that you had somebody Facebook stalk me for you.” Clarke capped the bottle but did not move to put it up. Instead, she picked up a glass and took a sip of it without moving from her position. “Like I said, unnerving but flattering.”

Lexa didn’t respond, just pulled the glass to her and took her own long sip, not breaking eye contact with Clarke in that moment. The last time they had bonded over a glass of scotch had not ended well. They had decided to keep their meeting professional and clearheaded. If she was drinking, that also meant that Clarke was not on call and had a day or at least a morning off. Lexa took another long sip, letting the liquid burn her throat instead of savoring the drink.

Clarke had instructed Lexa to pull out the food and put them on plates before she disappeared down the hallway, though she called back that she wasn’t sharing the soup. Lexa’s eyes quietly followed her, glass to her lips, as she watched the other woman exit into the second doorway on the right. The time away gave Lexa time to peruse the apartment in more detail, and she wasn’t surprised to find artwork littering the walls. There were bookshelves filled with books and blankets thrown haphazardly across an oversized plush couch. Seeing the fur on the blankets let her know that the dog kept residence there quite often, and Lexa found herself mildly disappointed that she didn’t get to meet the dog. Maybe after dinner, she would ask Clarke to let him out so she wouldn’t incur Raven’s wrath.

When the door opened again, Clarke returned with her hair pulled back and up from her neck, revealing pale skin and stray hairs. She had changed into worn grey sweatpants that said Niagara Falls on the leg in fading red letters. Lexa had never been to Niagara Falls, despite her parents wanting to take her. She’d asked Gustus once and had considered driving the few hours on a whim one evening but had opted to stay home and do homework instead.

Despite the change in pants, Clarke had not changed her top except to completely remove her dress shirt, her white bra straps showing along her shoulder blades and revealing more pale skin. Lexa knew she was going to have a long night that was going to test every bit of her willpower, and Clarke’s smirk as she walked back into the kitchen area and sat next to her were quite telling that she knew what she was doing.

“You think our ways are harsh.” Lexa didn’t know what else to say. She was honestly panicking sitting next to this woman, and Lexa Woods did not panic. Instead of wincing like she wanted to, she lifted her chin and realized how tense she was.

“Lighten up and eat something with me.” Clarke ignored her comment and instead opened the bag that Lexa had failed to do in her absence. She pulled the food out but kept the soup to herself, like she said. “I wasn’t kidding that I’m not sharing this soup. It’s my favorite, and I’ve been craving it for weeks. Maybe it’s a good thing that you usually don’t eat with me when you bring me food. You can ask Raven and Octavia; I’m not particularly good at sharing. Blame it on being an only child.”

“I was an only child and share quite well.” Lexa smirked before watching Clarke not give her a choice and pour half of the Thai food onto her plate. When Clarke picked up her fork and started eating, Lexa finally caved and began to swirl the noodles with her own fork. “But I understand; there are some things that are too important to share. I’m not sure Thai food is up there on that list, but I do understand.”

“What is on your list?” Clarke’s smile reached her entire presence, and she seemed relaxed. Lexa noticed her own demeanor relax upon seeing her like this and realized she was actually comfortable despite things being randomly out of place in this space. The handful of coffee mugs and plates sitting by the sink. The hand towel just crumpled on top of the stove. The stacks of papers and books laying on the counters and tables in the room without any obvious pattern. She liked things neat and organized, but she guessed there was only so much a person could do when three people shared a living space. She was happy to live alone; perhaps that was on her list of things she could not share.

“Not many things. There are not many things I love enough to put on a no-share list.”

“Have you ever loved anything?” Clarke had obviously meant it as teasing, but Lexa tensed again.

“I did once. I mentioned it before.” She debated what to reveal because she’d already shared parts of this about her life. Looking at Clarke, she saw the familiar scrunched eyebrows and bottom lip held beneath her upper teeth, and she let out a deep sigh. It wasn’t like this wasn’t common knowledge that a simple Internet search wouldn’t reveal. Clarke probably already knew this anyways from her aforementioned search, so it couldn’t be really new information. “You probably own at least one of her albums. You would know her as Costia. Just Costia.”

“What happened?”

“I was foolish. She was mine, but another offer came along that was better and she took it.” Lexa looked away at the food on her plate, noticing that she had yet to take a bite despite her fork being full and ready. If she took that bite, she knew it meant more than just sustenance, though. Never had a meal with a colleague been so loaded before.

“Doesn’t that make you mad?” Just like every meal they’d had, Clarke ate through their conversation, wiping her mouth when needed but not breaking eye contact as she lifted the soup container to her face and started to shovel the spoon in her mouth.

“Of course, but being angry does not undo my mistake. I have since only listened with my head and not my heart.”

“Your music shows.” Clarke put down her soup then and moved to face Lexa in the stool, their calves slightly brushing together. Lexa actually felt herself swallow. “The songs your label drops are good, don’t get me wrong. Catchy and relatable. They wouldn’t have constant airtime if not. It’s clear you have a head for the business and knowing what is good, what will sell, and how to sell it, but it’s lacking something big that makes music such a beautiful form of art.”

“What’s that?”

“Heart. Soul.”

“Love is weakness, Clarke.”

“You wouldn’t say that to Van Gogh. Or Shakespeare. Or Bach.”

“I’m more of a Rothko myself.”

“Of course you are.” Clarke chuckled lightly before turning back to her soup, eating with as much gusto as she had previously. The tenseness in the atmosphere shifted, all because Clarke chuckled and smiled and decided she was moving on from the conversation. Lexa turned back to looking at her plate again, tapping the filled fork lightly against the rest of the food on the plate. It was no doubt cold by now, but she really didn’t care, and obviously Clarke didn’t, either, as she had almost devoured her entire plate already and was still working on the soup.

“What do you like, Clarke?” Lexa lifted the fork finally from the plate, staring at it, making a decision. Finally, the smells and her hunger became too much to ignore so she finally accepted the food into her mouth, immediately grabbing the napkin from her lap to wipe and hide her chewing from the other woman.

“I’m more of an indie gal myself. Probably don’t own any albums from your labels, though I have to admit to having some of your dad’s songs on my iPod.” Clarke looked over at Lexa, who was mid chew and deciding to just go for it as she began preparing her fork for another bite. Clarke had obviously waited until she swallowed to continue the conversation. “And I don’t. Own any of her albums. Costia’s. She’s not my style, either. I much prefer broody and complicated.”

Instead of responding, Lexa hid her smirk behind her next fork full. Their conversation turned to work after that. Clarke was obviously too tired to get into a fight, so Lexa had managed to calm her criticisms whenever the blonde mentioned an idea. They were both obviously tired of fighting and ready to move forward with the project. Even though they didn’t get far tonight, Lexa left with a better idea of who Clarke was as a person, and she had an idea that would benefit them both as they began to truly negotiate a successful plan.

Lexa had left Clarke’s apartment with intentionally vague instructions for the other woman to be ready the next morning after she had some rest. Since Clarke had allowed her in, Lexa felt it was time for her to do the same for Clarke. She just hoped she wasn’t making a mistake by trusting Clarke. No doubt Titus would have some words for her when she got home, but Lexa couldn’t help the quiet smirk that seemed to flit across her face the entire ride home. 

* * *

 

Last night, something had happened. Clarke wasn’t sure what it was; she just knew that it was something. While she was not quite ready to admit _what_ it was, she did recognize that Lexa wasn’t fighting her anymore and was actually being…human. She wasn’t the tyrant that Clarke originally saw and instead was just any other woman in her mid-20s. A thoughtful and highly attractive woman at that. The problem was that it was obvious Lexa knew she was beautiful and wasn’t afraid to use that to her advantage. Even in her own home, Clarke felt like she was out of her element and Lexa had the upper hand in their exchanges.

Who showed up at somebody’s doorstep with delicious food and looking that good in jeans and a black button down? Clarke wasn’t even aware that Lexa knew what jeans were, and it was obvious this was the other woman’s version of casual. It was the most relaxed she had ever appeared. Also, it was clear that Lexa had changed after work (something she had never done before), and the way her hair laid across one shoulder when she walked into the apartment revealed an infinity tattoo on the back of her neck. Clarke had to keep herself from reaching out and tracing it and wondering if there were more tattoos to explore on Lexa’s body. She didn’t seem like the type to have any; too much a stickler for image and self-control. It made Clarke realize that she was half naked and in the process of changing herself before the other woman arrived.

She had showered after surgery earlier, intent on heading to Lexa’s after, but the other woman had surprised her by saying they could meet at her place instead. It was the first time Lexa had seen her apartment, and it wasn’t like Clarke was prepared for the surprise meeting. But to hear Lexa actually sound accommodating and concerned? Clarke took advantage of the offer and didn’t even hesitate to agree. There was probably some unspoken rule that dictated she needed to deny her offer three times, but Clarke didn’t care. All she heard was that she could go home after a tough surgery and have dinner delivered to her. She wasn’t about to argue.

When she caught Lexa staring at her boobs, that’s when Clarke knew she wasn’t alone in the attraction. But attraction wasn’t the only thing; they needed to work together and finally finish this project. Maybe then she would entertain the idea of maybe possibly someday acting on what her entire body was telling her to do. She needed a drink to calm her nerves, her first in front of Lexa since their first meeting, so she climbed to one of her kitchen hiding spots behind the healthy cereal that O and Raven would never touch, glad they were both out tonight. If she happened to flirt with Lexa and push her cleavage into her line of sight, then it was just payback for the other woman looking amazing. After a few sips, Clarke felt her stomach drop when she noticed Lexa looking at her boobs again and had to excuse herself to change.

When she was alone in her room, Clarke had to take deep breaths to calm down because she needed to remind herself that this woman was complicated and that nothing could happen. Even if her bed was right there and they were alone in the apartment. Nothing could happen. It hadn’t been that long since Clarke had had sex, but it suddenly felt like her body was telling her it had been too long, there was somebody potentially willing within its vicinity, and she literally needed to get on that. Raven wouldn’t show up until well after midnight, and there was no telling how long Octavia would be out on her date. So there’d be time to do work and do other things without either of her best friends finding out. That left Clarke alone staring at her big bed while trying to calm her nerves because of the beautiful, complicated woman sitting at her kitchen counter who brought her favorite Thai food that she’d been craving for weeks.

Something else happened, too. Lexa was more relaxed and open. She actually ate with her for the first time despite always having food ready for when Clarke arrived to their meetings. If she were honest, Clarke felt very cared for and respected for taking the time to meet because Lexa obviously cared enough to feed her. Since she was busy trying to impress people at the hospital, she usually didn’t remember to eat properly. Lexa wasn’t all takeout, either; she had these elaborate and health-conscious meals waiting for her whenever they met at her condo. While she had obviously gone to great lengths to make their meetings strictly professional, this one was different and actually felt like a date, though. This was more than just feeding Clarke because of respect of her time. That’s why Clarke put on her old Niagara Falls sweatpants; they reminded her of a happy time before her father died and always gave her strength when she needed it the most. If she happened to forget an actual shirt, then that was still payback.

When she returned, she didn’t even think Lexa realized she had unbuttoned two of her own top buttons, revealing her own hint of some cleavage. Even that simple act made her appear more relaxed. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to talk to her in those moments. Usually Clarke just got the Commander, but last night she had finally managed a glimpse of Lexa.

What was more surprising was that they didn’t argue about anything and were actually starting to make a plan. Lexa liked her idea of the fundraiser but only if it wasn’t lavish and was strictly volunteer work. She didn’t want politics and had actually suggested they get the music students, teachers, and parents at Mount Weather involved instead of the politicians and political rallies Clarke had wanted. Clarke loved that idea and was slightly jealous she hadn’t considered it before. It made her realize why Lexa had been so offput by her ideas to that point: She was thinking too much like her mother. She was thinking too politically. While her mother probably would insist on her supporters being involved, Clarke knew she had to make a tough decision to do what was right for these people. That sometimes meant leaving people, very important political leaders and influencers, behind. This campaign was about saving jobs and a program; not advancing her mother’s political career. Last night, Lexa had finally made that click in Clarke’s mind that she had been doing that all along.

When Clarke had walked Lexa to her door, she had wanted to ask her to stay. Honestly, her body was begging her to ask Lexa to stay, as she felt her pulse in several places and her ears felt overwhelmingly hot. It wasn’t even about the physical aspects. She had no idea why, but she wanted to do something normal people did. Like watch Netflix or play with Hunter or play one of the board games that were missing pieces on their shelves. She hadn’t, though, because she wasn’t ready for what that could mean for them. They had to stay professional. At least for now. Once their campaign was over, Clarke wasn’t sure what she would do.

Lexa surprised her by making a move. Not one that involved her staying, but one that definitely involved moving forward beyond their private meetings. She invited her out this morning but didn’t reveal any details; just said that it was fancy casual and that since Clarke had the day off, Lexa wanted to take her somewhere that could perhaps open her eyes further to what they were doing. Clarke didn’t need that revelation because she was already there, but she gripped her door and glanced at Lexa’s mouth, merely nodding her agreement because she couldn’t seem to speak in that moment. Lexa asking her out beyond their professional meetings was almost her undoing because she had this nervous tension in her entire presence that made her even more attractive. Clarke hadn’t been able to speak and instead just nodded before watching Lexa walk away.

Clarke had almost reached the point of taking care of herself when she heard the door open and Octavia screaming for Hunter. She wasn’t sure if she was happy or not that she’d been interrupted from almost crossing a line.

As suggested, Clarke had gone fancy casual with her skinny jeans and dark blue boyfriend shirt over a v-neck white tshirt. She wasn’t too proud to admit she had tried on several outfits, and Octavia had even rolled her eyes before heavy sighing and poking her head in the door on her way out to work.

“Wear that one. You wore your nasty ass Niagara Falls sweats and she still asked you to go out in public with her, so apparently it doesn’t matter what you wear anyways. Just undo another button or two; sounds like she’s a boob gal.” Octavia had disappeared from the doorframe before the pillow Clarke threw at her landed. She really should stop sharing so much with her friends because they would never stop teasing her. Clarke would have it no other way, though. The sounds of chuckling from Raven and Octavia in the living room only made her blush deepen as she finished applying her makeup.

She didn’t get a chance to change again, though, as Lexa texted that she was downstairs in the car and didn’t want to be anymore late than they already would be. It was the terse tone in the text message that made Clarke realize she was dealing with the Commander today. Still, before she opened the door to head to the car, she undid another button and adjusted her boobs inside her bra. Maybe she could coerce the other woman not to be so professional, and these would be her secret weapons. She wasn’t afraid to use her sexuality; Clarke knew she was respected, so there was no harm in wanting to be respected for her body, too.

Lexa greeted her by nodding but didn’t say a word to her or answer when she asked where they were going. Instead, she kept her eyes glued to her phone, and that made Clarke uncomfortable and more than a little angry. This was the other woman’s idea, after all. When the car stopped, Lexa had stepped outside and walked around to open the car door for her. When she stood next to her on the sidewalk, people milling about them in the broad daylight, Clarke realized this was the first time she was actually going to be in _public_ with Lexa since her mother’s benefit. She knew that on a surface level, but the implications of this had never fully resonated with her until that moment. Lexa’s confident stride towards their destination made Clarke fall beside her, making sure she was there to hold the door open for Lexa this time. The slight smirk she received in response was enough to let her know she wasn’t going to be all Commander today. That was a little bit of relief, at least.

The sounds of stringed instruments being tuned filled the air around them, as they made their way past signs dictating the newest New York Philharmonic show. Clarke had lived in this city for most of her life, yet she had never been here. It was an early morning, so it was obvious she wasn’t going to get to see a show, but the sounds alerted her that something was happening today. Still, Lexa barely said anything to her and talked to certain people who ushered her to the dimly lit theatre.

As they walked into the balcony area, Clarke saw groups of young kids and several other people in the rows below them, but the most impressive sight were the musicians on the stage. Once the usher left them, Lexa took a seat and Clarke followed her. Even though they had the entire balcony to themselves, Clarke had sat right next to Lexa and even leaned her body towards her slightly, feeling their arms brush lightly against each other on the armrest.

Lexa’s smile was so big as she looked down at the crowd below them. She was obviously proud of the small group of students, and Clarke was amazed at how genuinely happy Lexa was when she leaned forward slightly when the orchestra began playing.

The maestro stopped them about two minutes into the piece, giving them directions that Clarke couldn’t quite hear before they started playing again. Watching Lexa’s reactions, alone in this balcony space, made Clarke want to sketch her in this space and in this moment. They were in public, sure, but nobody was around to see her reactions. Clarke figured that was why the other woman allowed herself this amount of joy.

“So, I’m guessing this is a rehearsal? But why are all of these people here?” Clarke started to look down where Lexa was looking at the crowd below them. It wasn’t large, but it was still impressive for a Thursday morning.

“I’m a patron here; Coalition donates a large portion to the Philharmonic every year, so they allow me a few extra perks. This is an open rehearsal; they have them sometimes, and it’s great for kids to see how the process of music works. That’s true music education.” Lexa’s voice was just above a whisper as she leaned more towards Clarke, her overly minty breath warm against Clarke’s cheek. Meanwhile, the maestro had the violins playing a section repeatedly until he was apparently happy with it and moved on. “You said last night that the songs my label distributes have no heart, so I thought this would change your mind about me and my business. I know why you care so much, because of Octavia, but this is why I care. Those kids down there wouldn’t get this opportunity without the funding I send to the Trikru school every year for these field trips. The music behind the songs; that’s what I hear.”

“Yes, but words, the beauty behind the poetry in lyrics makes for better songs than the overly poppy mainstream junk you pedal. The music can be good, but if the lyrics fall short, the music loses its luster.” Clarke found herself leaning even further into Lexa, their foreheads almost touching and the armrest now blocking her way.

“Music does not need words to be impactful. Case in point.” Lexa held out her left palm to address the orchestra below them as they played a particularly beautiful piece. The maestro seemed to agree as the excitement in his voice reached the balcony and caused them to look away from each other for a moment.

“Sure. I agree with you, but even without words, these pieces exude the emotion put forth into them.” Clarke turned back to Lexa, no longer interested in what was happening below them. “They don’t need lyrics because that’s not the types of songs they are.”

“I agree.”

“Then we finally agree on something. Maybe now you can start to see my point.”

“And what exactly is that point, Clarke?” Lexa’s smug expression appeared; one full or a raised left eyebrow and slight tug at the corner of her mouth. One Clarke was extremely familiar with at this point. One Clarke loved to see.

“That your songs are great, but their depth and range are lacking. You can’t just lead with your head all of the time; you need that mix in order to create lasting songs.” Clarke knew she was biting her lip because she was trying to not be aware of their proximity in the dimly lit balcony and the beautiful violin notes literally swelling around them. It was like that non-diegetic moment in romance movies, except she was experiencing it in real time. If she leaned forward, Clarke wondered what would actually happen. Lexa’s stare was intense, and the other woman was not exactly being unclear about her attraction whenever she would stare at Clarke’s mouth. So it wasn’t her cleavage; Clarke could live with that. “These songs you’re creating now will be forgotten years from now, or will only be used as a happy nostalgic when teenagers reach their mid-20s. They’re not ones that truly exhibit true heartfelt emotion.”

“And what do you suggest I do? ‘Those songs’ are what sell, and I have a large multinational company and several shareholders to appease.” Lexa was starting to sit back up and away from Clarke, but instead of allowing her the space, Clarke just moved further over until she was leaning over the armrest.

“What’s your one song? The one song whose lyrics and music just resonate what it truly means to be a great love song.”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“It’s very relevant.”

“My father…”

“No. I want to know what _you_ think. Not your father. I know he can write a love song, and you also can’t cop out and say one of his songs, either. Those songs mean something to you on a personal level because you lived them and saw their inspiration firsthand. Without that intimate knowledge, what’s your one song?” Clarke knew she was pushing it, and she had Lexa literally backed into the corner of her chair. Still, she refused to back down. Last night, their dynamic changed, and despite knowing she was probably pushing too far, Clarke couldn’t back down now. “I want to…”

“Bob Dylan.” Lexa was looking right at her, with this intensity and warring vulnerability that Clarke was sure not many people got to see. She knew she was one of the lucky ones, and that was a shame because the more she learned about Lexa, the more she actually liked who she was.

“Bob Dylan.” Clarke was honestly surprised she got that much of an answer, and it was definitely not one she expected.

“Yes. Bob Dylan. ‘To Make You Feel My Love.’ That’s my one song.” Lexa visibly exhaled and sat back to the center of her chair. Clarke just stayed there, which meant their upper arms were touching and their faces were but inches apart. The heady mix of woods and musk from Lexa’s cologne filled the air, and Clarke couldn’t focus on anything else but that. When she managed to finally tear her eyes away from Lexa’s lips, she saw the intensity behind the other woman’s gaze. It was like she was offering herself and was afraid of the rejection from revealing something as simple as a favorite song.

“That’s…not what I would’ve expected from you. It’s so…full of lyrics and not much music.” Clarke was slightly taken aback and really hoped her expression didn’t read as any type of rejection because her reaction was quite the opposite. Not only did Lexa answer a question, something she probably considered extremely intimate information considering this was her business, her answer was something that did not align with her vocalized beliefs about the matter. “It’s the perfect love song. I agree.”

“If you tell anyone, I will take Indra up on her offer to take you out.” Lexa didn’t outwardly smile, and Clarke had no doubt the woman had the power to actually give such an order, but her eyes told a different story. Her gaze was intense, and Clarke could swear she was leaning forward. Just as Clarke was about to start leaning forward herself, claps filled the air and broke the moment.

Lexa sat up straight and looked ahead. She stood in her seat and began clapping herself, looking upon the crowd and orchestra below them as though these people were here just for her. As though she was their leader and they were doing her bidding.

Since the rehearsal was over, Lexa ushered her back outside before the crowd began to disperse, again opening her car door and allowing her to enter before shutting it behind her. If this wasn’t a date, it was still one of the best ones Clarke had ever been on. And that actually made Clarke sad how true that was because what had she been doing up to this point if a non-date with a potential business partner was the most romance she had actually experienced. With all of the talk of love and music, did Clarke really understand it herself if that were the case? Maybe Lexa had a better grasp of it than she did; maybe that’s why she was so good at controlling herself.

There were moments when Clarke believed she honestly did love Finn; before she knew the truth of his infidelity. She eventually got Raven out of the breakup, though, and Clarke really did love her. Even if it was platonic, it was still love. It was the same love she felt for Octavia. Or the familial love she felt for her mother and her father. But romantic love? Had she been idealizing it this entire time? Lexa’s answer was a song that was so simple yet complex and truly emotionally wonderful. Sure, she preferred the Adele version, but perhaps there was something beautiful that Lexa heard in Dylan’s voice that Clarke missed. She appreciated Dylan and loved Dylan’s songs, but did she really get it? Clarke was beginning to think she was missing out on something big herself, but at least she didn’t try to hide her willingness to love and be loved like Lexa obviously was.

She looked over at Lexa, realizing they hadn’t spoken a word to each other since the theatre. It took her three tries before she actually got the words out that she’d been thinking for weeks.

“You say love is weakness, but you’re wrong.” Clarke felt herself swallow, clearing her throat because she was determined to have this conversation. They’d almost crossed a line back there, and now that they were out of the overly romantic space, she was able to think more clearly. Well, clearer than being in that super-charged space with the powerful violins resonating around them.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s eyebrows were scrunched together, almost as though she wasn’t sure Clarke had actually spoken.

“You say that having feelings makes me weak, but you’re weak for hiding from them.” She didn’t mean to sound angry, but she couldn’t seem to control her emotions. Lexa had claimed that love was weakness, yet she somehow ended up being someone who was quietly adept at emotion. It was something Clarke suspected, but last night and this morning had proven that it was bigger than that. It shouldn’t make her angry, and she wasn’t entirely positive why it did, but she felt it was important to have this conversation. If they ever did end up crossing that line, Clarke needed to know neither one of them would hold back. She wasn’t worried about herself because she’d always allowed her emotions and feelings to rule, but maybe, just maybe someday they could work at learning to balance those parts of themselves. “You say you don’t care about anything or anyone? You just leave everyone behind and don't care about them?"

“Not everyone. Not you.” Lexa’s response was coupled with her steeled jaw. The way she looked at Clarke. With such intensity and raw emotion hiding behind the surface, behind years of training to control outward emotions. Clarke envied her that sometimes but this time she blinked, unsure how to respond now. She was the one who started this, but with four words, Lexa had managed to say so much and end it. Without directly saying the words, she admitted her attraction to Clarke. It was something she was definitely not prepared to hear from the other woman; at least not yet.

“Then we should probably work to find a solution faster. I think we’re close, and I want to be able to tell Octavia she’s safe. That her job is safe. That her kids are safe.” Clarke turned in the backseat the best she could with her seatbelt blocking her. She recognized the area and knew she’d be home within a few blocks. Her biggest fear in that moment was that Lexa would go back to her old self now that she’d acknowledged her feelings in a way. She didn’t want all of the rapport they’d built in the past two days to dissipate because of this ‘love is weakness’ bullshit mantra Lexa lived by. Clarke didn’t know her well enough to know if she would retreat back into herself or not, though she hoped that wasn’t the case. Just because Lexa revealed her feelings didn’t mean Clarke was ready to; at least not yet. That didn’t mean she didn’t want to see what happened until she was ready, and it worried her that she wouldn’t get a chance.

“I was wrong about you, Clarke. Your heart shows no sign of weakness.” Lexa cleared her throat, and Clarke realized she had been staring at Lexa’s right hand in the seat between them. Clarke looked up into Lexa’s intense green eyes again before looking down and pulling Lexa’s hand into her own, studying how the other woman’s long thin fingers fit perfectly between her own calloused ones. Her hand was soft and strong, just like Clarke had remembered from their handshake during their first meeting.

Clarke unbuckled her safety belt, not caring that the car was moving. She just knew what she wanted and felt in that moment, and the only thing she needed was to be closer to Lexa. So, she managed to unbuckle herself, ready to grip the back of Lexa’s neck and pull her into a rough first kiss. Looking at Lexa’s slight gasp let her know the other woman knew her intention and was not going to run away. Her reaction gave Clarke the confidence she needed to move forward.

The driver’s ringtone was loud and made Clarke jump back slightly, hitting her lower back on the door handle. “Fuck!”

“Are you okay?” Lexa was honestly chuckling lowly. Clarke looked over, the moment gone now and her body extremely angry at her. As if her body wasn’t already mad at her for last night. If nothing happened, then she would have to give Octavia and Raven some money and send them out to the store for a few hours while she took care of some things.

“I’ll live; thanks for your concern.” Clarke narrowed her eyes but couldn’t shake her slight smirk. She looked up to notice they were sitting in front of her apartment complex. She felt panicked slightly that she needed to go home; not when she had so much more to say. However, Clarke knew that Lexa didn’t have the luxury of having a day off like she did. She still had work to do, and it wasn’t like they wouldn’t see each other again. Clarke would make sure of that. Maybe even invite her over again. Maybe finally get that Netflix and chill she was craving last night. She knew they had to part ways, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. Not when they’d finally managed to get somewhere. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly the somewhere they were supposed to be getting, but it was still somewhere. “I guess I should let you get back to work. It was a truly…eye-opening experience today. Thank you.”

“My pleasure, Clarke.” Lexa’s cheekbones were visibly twitching, indicating she was probably having a hard time with her self-control in that moment. Clarke thought about trying to lean in again but was too aware of the driver’s presence in the car now. Plus, she knew she could go upstairs and get some rest and read some medical journals she had put off lately because of these meetings. “I will see you soon.”

“I have rotation for the next three days, but maybe I can sneak away for dinner one night?” Clarke mentally went through her schedule. For some reason, she didn’t want to wait another week before she got to see Lexa again, whether it was for the Mount Weather project or for personal reasons, Clarke was not prepared to admit. “I should be good Saturday, barring nothing overly dramatic happens. I’ll text you and let you know.”

“That will work.”

“I really should go. And we really should talk more about the project next time. I think we’re close to having a plan.”

“Well, you did say today was eye-opening. Perhaps now we can finally reach a solution.”

“Perhaps. And perhaps what happens will be better than expected.” Clarke opened her own door this time, but not before leaning on the car door and looking back inside the black sedan’s back seat at the beautiful brunette smiling back at her. “Good night, Lexa.”

“Have a good rest of your day, Clarke.” Lexa was chuckling again, and Clarke was torn between falling for Lexa’s light chuckle and being overly embarrassed for her mix up. It was an honest mistake, honestly. It was the first day they’d actually met in the daylight, and looking at the sun shining against Lexa’s face, bringing out the depth of the green and brown flecks in her eyes, Clarke swallowed again and found herself once again not ready to close the door on the other woman, wanting to invite her upstairs despite knowing Raven would probably be working from home. Lexa beat her to it. “I look forward to hearing from you again.”

“Me, too.” Clarke finally pulled herself together and shut the door. One of them had to be responsible and actually say goodbye. She watched Lexa’s car drive away; she wasn’t sure how long she stood outside her apartment complex before actually making her way upstairs.

As predicted, Raven was tucked inside her room with Hunter, working on something. Instead of saying anything more than a hello, Clarke just waved and said she was going to take a cold shower and then a nap. Raven only chuckled at that. Clarke didn’t find it amusing. She really needed to get herself together so they could make progress on this project. Today was eye-opening; not just on a personal level. Clarke was starting to see herself shift slightly, and she was seeing the same in Lexa. Whether that was a good thing was still yet to be determined, but Clarke knew this for sure: If they combined their strengths and ignored that “love is weakness” crap, they would definitely accomplish great things together.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The freckles in our minds are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter! I think you will like this one... ;)

Chapter Six

“But everything looks perfect from far away/ ‘Come down now,’ but we’ll stay…”

-Postal Service, “Such Great Heights”

 

* * *

 

After work had managed to kick her ass this week, surgery after surgery and round after round, Clarke actually looked forward to when she got to switch to the Mount Weather project. She loved her job at the hospital and loved learning all of the new techniques and surgeries, but she truly enjoyed working on the campaign. More accurately, she enjoyed spending time with Lexa. She wasn’t ready to do anything or say it out loud, but their attitudes towards one another had shifted completely from their earlier interactions. Seven weeks of knowing Lexa and Clarke felt like she got to know her quite well. Whether they were working in her office or at her condo or at Clarke’s apartment or out in public, Clarke found herself learning little pieces here and there of the woman, putting the little snippets into the whole, and she learned that her initial interpretation was not accurate. Well, it was and it wasn’t. Lexa Woods was definitely complicated and frustrating and stubborn, but she was also passionate and strong and smart.

Ever since Lexa had taken them to the philharmonic rehearsal, they actually started to spend more time exploring the city’s musical scene as they made plans and came up with ideas. They continued to stand by their reasoning for venturing out: to make the other one see their point of view. But they had long ago relinquished that feud and started working together. They didn’t really need to see the other person’s side of things because somewhere along the lines, they had managed to become a team. Actually, they were close to coming up with a plan to present to the schoolboard, and that unnerved Clarke slightly because she didn’t know if she was ready to give up her meetings with the other woman. They were honestly giving her solace and forcing her to see the city from someone else’s vantage point, not just for the campaign but for herself as well. Clarke thought it was like falling in love again with a city she already adored.

Today, Clarke had met Lexa in Central Park, the fallen leaves littering the paths as they walked. They sat in a little café outside, despite the weather starting to chill. They worked on their plans, amidst Lexa’s obviously flirty sidenotes and Clarke’s probably botched attempts at the same, and they ordered hot tea but kept swapping cups because they couldn’t decide which ones they liked better. Clarke had made it a point several times to turn the cup until she was able to place her lips where Lexa’s had been, but again, she wasn’t ready to admit anything out loud about her motivations for doing so. They were close to finishing their plans, but they still had a little work to do before their project was completed. Clarke wasn’t quite ready to think about what she’d do once the campaign was over; she wanted to think in the present because in the present, it felt like they still had lots of time.

She was experiencing an intense case of cognitive dissonance because her mind was telling her not to do anything but her body and her attempts at flirtation were doing quite the opposite.

After they finished for the day, Lexa had to get back to the office and Clarke needed to get home for her monthly ladies night with her roommates. They had walked around the park a bit longer than intended. Clarke had grabbed Lexa’s hand, something she usually only did as they were about to say goodbye, and dragged her to listen to the musicians still out across the park. Over in Strawberry Fields, they managed to stand for several minutes and listen to one gentleman playing “Imagine” on his acoustic guitar repeatedly by the John Lennon memorial, as though it were the only song he knew to play. He was not noteworthy as a performer, and Clarke was pretty sure he only knew part of the song as he kept stopping and starting in the same place. Perhaps it was the only song he felt he should play there; maybe it was for the passers-by to understand the intensity of what had happened there. Lexa’s jaw had steeled and her posture stiffened in that space, as the people around them took pictures of the memorial, and Clarke stood next to her and felt the warmth of her body and smelled the subtle intensity of her cologne as she slipped her hand in Lexa’s and squeezed for some sudden need to reassure her. Having spent so much time with Lexa, Clarke sometimes forgot that her father was a rock star who had died young, too, and left his young child behind. Lexa didn’t need to say it out loud for Clarke to understand because she often felt the same thing when she had to tell children their father did not make it.

Instead of staying to listen to “Imagine” for a fourth time, Lexa took the initiative towards Turtle Pond and took her to the underpass where a young woman was wildly moving her body as she played some sort of hand drum while another young woman played guitar and sang alongside her. They were more entertaining and talented than the “Imagine” guy, but that could have been because of their free-spirited and upbeat music as opposed to the forlorn environment they had previously left. They only stayed for two songs before Lexa mentioned she really did need to get back to the office.

Clarke noticed how tense the other woman became whenever she had to leave to do more work, and she did seem distracted at times whenever work would come up in topic, as though she was overly stressed about something. Clarke supposed that was part of running a major corporation, though; she was surprised Lexa had the chance to work so closely on this campaign at all. That she even had time to take Clarke around the city to explore. Whenever Clarke would ask about work, Lexa would just raise her eyebrow and smile lightly at her without saying anything and move on to another topic.

They had been talking for almost two months now, and Clarke felt like she was taking up more of Lexa’s time than was honestly needed for this campaign. That didn’t mean she was going to stop, though. At least not until they did finally manage to complete the project. They were so close. After today, they only had one more thing to figure out before going into the implementation stage. Clarke found she was actually excited about the fundraising benefit Lexa had planned, and honestly, Octavia was in love with the idea, too, because she got to show off her students who were “hella talented” and “ready for battle.” Lexa’s slight smile in response to Octavia’s response was worth it.

As was the norm now, Lexa had the car pick them up wherever they landed. She always dropped Clarke off first, no matter if her office or home was closer to their destination whenever they ventured out. As the norm, Clarke twisted her pinky finger with Lexa’s and stalled before she had to exit the car. When she was younger, she used to hate sitting in cars because there was too much city to explore outside the vehicle. In these particular moments, she always seemed to hesitate to leave.

Neither of them spoke about their near kisses over the past two weeks. Neither of them spoke about the near kiss that almost happened again in the car today before Clarke finally took a deep breath and exited the car.

When she got upstairs, she was not surprised to find Raven and Octavia had started eating without her. They had texted about their ladies night earlier, making sure Clarke didn’t ditch them for Lexa or take another shift at the hospital again. This was the third time they’d rescheduled for this month. Even though they lived together, with their busy schedules, it was harder to find time to hang out just the three of them, so they vowed to make time once a month at least. Tonight was that night, or she probably would have walked along the park with Lexa for much longer. Her friends had obviously not listened to her and ordered pizza, despite her saying she wanted something healthier. Raven just pointed at the small salad, if it could be called that, sitting on the counter and shrugged her shoulders upon Clarke’s scolding look. They all knew each other well enough that words weren’t always necessary to convey their meaning, and Clarke loved that.

“How was your date with Lexa?” Octavia scooted her stool over so that Clarke could fit onto the empty one beside her. She always wound up with the crappiest stool at the end because she was always the last one there.

“It wasn’t a date, you know that.” She pulled the salad to her and opened the container, pouring the balsamic dressing over it and stabbing the lettuce leaves with a fork. It was a poor excuse for a salad, but at least it was healthier than the intensely meaty and cheesy pizza sitting between Raven and Octavia.

“Sure.” Octavia scooted her stool back into place once Clarke was settled in. There was never much room for three people to share the island counterspace, but it was what they could make do with in their living space.

“Hey, what color are Lexa’s eyes? I need to know. For science.” Raven cleared her throat, and Clarke was not amused. She knew the exact shade of Lexa’s eyes and how they shifted in brightness and specks of brown would sometimes filter through, but she refused to play into their teasing.

“I respect Lexa and everything she has accomplished. I’m not going to do anything to compromise our campaign.” Instead of making eye contact with her friends, Clarke stared down at her salad, willing it to be something other than slightly browning leaves and dressing. There were about as many vegetables in this salad as there was on the pizza. “And they’re green. You know, for science purposes.”

“Respect, huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” Raven was always the one who could read her fastest, despite knowing Octavia longer. Clarke cleared her throat and hoped she wasn’t blushing because she was still trying to process from her day out with Lexa and the near kiss that almost happened in the car not even fifteen minutes ago.

“Mutual respect?” She finally eyed them, biting her bottom lip as she shrugged. Clarke knew the best approach was to not avoid the topic if she expected them to drop it. They were apparently going to have this conversation now, and she was honestly surprised neither of them brought it up in this way before.

“Oh, she respects you alright. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She’d like to respect you all night long.” Raven had caught them in an almost near kiss the other night in the car downstairs, breaking Clarke’s resolve when she tapped on the window. There was no way Raven hadn’t known what she’d interrupted. Then again, they hadn’t really seen each other much since then, so there was no doubt Raven was saving it up all and had pulled Octavia into the eventual teasing.

“Seriously.” Clarke gave up spearing the lettuce with her fork and leaned over to grab a slice of pizza from the box. It was as predicted. Greasy, meaty, and cheesy. Best pie by any standard? Not to her, but these two loved Jasper’s Pizza for some reason. Probably because the owner had a crush on Octavia at one point and they used to get free stuff.

“No, I’m being serious.” Raven was trying to hide behind taking a bite of her slice, but she was not fooling anyone with her barely concealed smirk.

“She’s being serious, Clarke. We call her Commander Heart Eyes behind your backs.” Octavia mimicked Raven’s movement, hiding her smirk behind taking a bite.

“That’s not…I mean…” Clarke swallowed her own bite a little too hard and had to grab Octavia’s water to help her not choke.            

“Yeah yeah. Trying to back out, Princess? You’ve got the hots for her, too. It’s written all over your pretty face.” Raven was down to her pizza crust, which she just pointed at Clarke. “Might as well bang and get it out of your systems already so the rest of us can finally get some goddamn peace and quiet around here without your constant lovesick ramblings about her.”

“She’s not wrong, Clarke.” Octavia at least looked tentative about her admission.

“Ugh. You two are frustrating.” Clarke refused to believe she talked about Lexa that much. She barely did, as far as she knew, and it’s not like she saw her friends often enough to do the whole “what-am-I-doing/what-am-I-feeling” thing they usually did when one of them started dating someone. She wasn’t dating Lexa, so there was no need to even do that. They were just two people who were clearly attracted to each other and trying to hold back for professional reasons. Besides, it’s not like it could go anywhere, and Clarke knew she didn’t want to just “bang” Lexa and move on. No matter how much she had to admit to herself that the thought had definitely crossed her mind.

“We’re frustrating, or you’re frustrated because you want to _bang_ her?” Raven tossed her crust onto her plate before moving to throw away her plate. It was her turn to make dinner and do the cleanup, so there was really no surprise in the food choice and paper dinner settings.

“Who uses the word ‘bang’ anymore?” Clarke dapped a napkin across the top of pizza, only slightly wincing when it soaked the orange grease faster than she liked.

“Apparently Raven does.” Octavia chuckled before moving to throw her own plate in the trash.

“I have several other words I could use, but I thought I’d keep it PG for O here.” Raven leaned against the counter across from Clarke, picking at the sausage from where Clarke had pulled them from her pizza and put them on her plate. It was their dynamic. Raven got her sausage and she got her mushrooms. There wasn’t a veggie in site on this pizza, though. It was clearly Raven’s night to provide the food.

“Seriously, Clarke. You like her. It’s blatantly obvious she likes you, so what’s holding you back?” Octavia came to lean against the counter next to Raven. Clarke didn’t know she was getting an audience for when she bit into her own slice. “Raven said you were practically kissing in the car outside the other day, so what’s the hold up? Get on that before somebody else does.”

“I volunteer as tribute.” Raven raised her hand and chuckled. Clarke just glared at her. “What? Have you seen her? Not just rich and powerful and smart but hot as fuck? Damn. The whole district, hell, all the districts would be volunteering if they could.”

“Clarke doesn’t get your weird _Hunger Games_ reference, Rave.” Octavia wrapped her arm across Raven’s neck, kissing her cheek before moving into the living room to sit down with Hunter on the couch.

“We’re just working together. Nothing can happen.” Clarke looked down at her pizza slice, realizing she didn’t want it anymore. Maybe it wasn’t just the salad she didn’t want earlier. Maybe she just wasn’t hungry. She had just shared a croissant with Lexa at the café earlier.

“But you admit you want something to happen.” Raven was pushing again. It was this skill she had that made you want to both smack her and hug her for making you talk about stuff you didn’t want to talk about.

“You’re frustrating.” And Clarke loved her for it.

“And you’re _frustrated_.” She smirked one more time before she made her way over to the couch to sit next to Octavia, leaning over to pet Hunter’s head before leaning back dramatically against the couch. “Just…get your shit together and stop being a stubborn Griffin and get your plan figured out. That way, no more work needed and you can finally get to the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean…”            

“Yes, I think she got your meaning, perv.” Octavia nudged Raven, who just nudged her back. If it weren’t for the fact that Octavia was dating some other guy, who they had yet to meet and approve of despite Bellamy’s constant angry texts about that fact, anybody would guess these two were romantically involved. Clarke was there on the drunken makeout sessions between the two that turned into the conversation and acknowledgement of their attraction to each other, but they had only ever remained friends. They were probably closer to each other than Clarke was to either one of them. After all, she wasn’t the one sneaking into Raven’s bed every night “because she couldn’t sleep.” These were her best friends, and Clarke knew if she was going to figure this Lexa thing out, they were the ones to help her with it.

“It’s not even about that.” Clarke just swiveled in the stool so she was facing her two friends. Their looks told her they weren’t buying it. “I mean, okay, it’s a little about that, but it’s more than that.”

“You like her. Just admit it, move on, get this project finished, and stop making excuses and ask her out.” Octavia propped her feet across the coffee table and wrapped her arm fully across Hunter’s back.            

“We’re almost finished; just have some details to work out now.” Clarke let out a deep breath before moving to discard her plate and abandoned salad container. “And I’m not sure that I can with work anyways. I need to start focusing more on surgeries. I won’t have time to date.”            

“What’d I say about stopping the excuses?” Octavia’s teacher voice was strong, and Clarke just smirked because she could definitely see how her friend was a good teacher.

“But…” She was about to say something but Raven held up her hand. It was more amusing than anything and in no way effective as a scolding tactic. She needed to leave the badass to Octavia and just worry about the genius science stuff.            

“No buts. Just butts.” Though sometimes, genius was pushing it.

“That was weird.” Octavia nudged Raven again.

“I aim to please.” Who nudged her back again. Hunter was used to them by now, so he didn’t move at all, obviously content that he was being partially snuggled.

“I’ll think about it, but I can’t promise anything.” Clarke moved to wash her hands in the kitchen sink before making her way to sit on the other side of the L-shaped couch. This big couch was why they couldn’t fit a dinner table in here, but it’s not like they minded. “There’s still a lot to figure out before we can make a plan. Then, we have to see the plan through.”

“You’ll do it. And if not, no big deal, it’s just Octavia’s job on the line.” Raven shrugged like it wasn’t the thing that started this entire campaign.            

“Yeah, no big deal or anything. No pressure.” Octavia clearly wanted to joke around, but they all knew that it was a big deal. If this plan didn’t work, there was a chance Octavia wouldn’t have a job next year. Clarke needed to make sure that didn’t happen, and with Lexa by her side, she knew they had a fighting chance of making that a reality. “You’re Clarke Griffin. When have you ever failed at anything in your life?”

“With every relationship I’ve ever had, apparently.” It was Clarke’s turn to attempt humor, but she knew it was lacking. They all did. It was one of her biggest concerns about dating; she was always afraid of falling too fast and losing the other person, so she always kept herself grounded and careful not to jump into things. Perhaps that’s why she never crossed that line with Lexa despite the air surrounding them lately telling her to do the opposite. She really did want to cross that line and do some of that banging Raven mentioned. Those thoughts _definitely_ had crossed her mind.            

“Finn doesn’t count; we’re past that asshole. Stop thinking about what you don’t have and start thinking about what you could have. She’s probably just waiting on you to make the first move.” Raven was right. Lexa was holding back, always seeming patient and waiting to see what Clarke would do in those moments.

“I’ll think about it.” Was Lexa as frustrated as Clarke apparently seemed to be? She was clearly more skilled at self-control with her whole “love is weakness” shtick, but maybe Clarke was doing the same. Maybe she was waiting for Lexa to make the first move so she didn’t have to, just in case something did go wrong.

“Less thinking; more doing. You’re thinking so much it’s giving _us_ headaches.” Octavia stood up and moved to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of wine from the counter that Clarke had noticed earlier had been opened.

“And by doing, she means…” Raven leaned her body across the couch, rubbing Hunter’s back with her socked feet. He seemed to like this and rolled over more to expose his belly for better access.

“Yes, we understand, Raven. You’re a perv and Lexa is fuckable. Clarke agrees.” Octavia leaned up to the cabinet and grabbed down three mismatched glasses. They were in their mid-20s and their apartment still looked like college students lived here. Maybe they should start considering adulthood a little more. It took her a minute to process what Octavia had actually said.            

“I never said…” She rolled her eyes lightly and took the glass Octavia poured for her, knowing their ladies night was going to consist of wine and romantic comedies. It was clearly Octavia’s night to pick the activities. If they had to watch _Sweet Home Alabama_ again, Clarke was going to start planning her revenge early for the next time she planned the activities. Maybe she would force them to a philharmonic concert; they would hate that. Then again, Clarke didn’t think she wanted to share that space with anyone but Lexa now.            

“Clarke agrees!” Raven held up her glass for a salute, which Octavia immediately obliged as she sat back down next to her. Clarke just smirked and finally clinked her glass with her friends’, knowing the conversation was finally over.

Okay, so she wasn’t disagreeing.

* * *

 

They had finally done it. After nearly two months of meetings, they had come up with a plan to present at the next Mount Weather schoolboard meeting. Meanwhile, they planned on organizing an event in a few weeks that would benefit the program this year, while it still existed, that would bring attention to the importance and put faces to the people who would be eliminated if the programs were cut. Clarke had come up with the idea to hold the fundraiser and meet with the schoolboard, and Lexa had come up with a plan to ensure their success. One thing they both learned was that when they put aside their warring politics, they made one hell of a team.

Since they had finally put their plan into action, alerting the correct people and setting up the details for the fundraiser, they were on a high. That was the only way Lexa could explain it, and she loved standing back and watching Clarke’s entire presence light up from her happiness and hope that they would succeed. She seemed to have a lot of faith in this plan, and while Lexa was still leery, she trusted Clarke to know the politics. At least she had managed to get out of another stuffy political fundraiser and instead managed to make it more personable to the cause.

That’s how they ended up going out for a celebratory drink after they’d finalized their plans for the fundraiser and the presentation for the schoolboard. Since they’d needed to finalize everything, they’d met in Lexa’s office after her last meeting for the day. Afterwards, Clarke dragged her to a pub two blocks from Polis Tower and convinced her to drink a beer, claiming that scotch was for quiet moments of reflection and that this was a celebration. It was either a beer or tequila, and while Lexa was not particularly fond of either, she opted for the less drunk-inducing option. She was happy to note Clarke did, too, though Lexa could see her slight hints of disappointment when shots were declined.

They weren’t even halfway through their first beer before Clarke was on the phone to Raven and Octavia, trying to convince them to join them for celebration. From her observation of the one-sided conversation, Lexa gathered that Raven, whom Clarke was talking to, was a “bummer” and “lame” and that she was working late into a deadline for the next day. Octavia was also apparently a lame bummer, though Lexa didn’t quite catch why. She did note a few blushes and quick glances her way a few times before the phone conversation ended.

“Okay, so my friends suck. It’s just you and me tonight, and I don’t have rotation tomorrow.” Clarke put her phone back in her satchel. She had rushed over to Lexa’s office earlier once she had finished her evening rounds at the hospital, so she didn’t stop back home before meeting her to drop off her things. That mean that wherever they went tonight, she’d always have it with her, so Lexa didn’t suggest taking another long walk through the city so she wouldn’t have to carry it around with her.

“You’ve had a tough week.” Lexa picked up the pint glass and ran her thumb along the pub’s logo. She hadn’t really drank much from this beer, though Clarke was nearing the bottom of her glass. Her eyes were already glossy, though it could be from the excitement of the evening.

“Well, I deserve a chance to relax. I can’t be the doctor 24/7, no matter how much I like to think I need to be. You, too. No CEO Lexa 24/7, either.” Clarke picked up her glass to take another drink, but she stopped midway and instead pointed it in Lexa’s direction to get her attention. “We’re going to dinner. A nice fancy dinner with too much wine…”

“We’ve already been drinking beer, though.” She held up her glass and shook the liquid slightly.

“Hush. That’s not the point.” Clarke just scrunched her brow and smirked before placing her glass back on the table. “We need to drink too much and eat things we wouldn’t normally and just be happy for once without worrying about other things.”

“I worry.”

“Do you ever not worry?”

“It’s who I am.” Lexa just smiled lightly, narrowing her eyes a bit to look at Clarke’s slight smirk. She was definitely flirting; there was no doubt that was what was happening. After all, they were finished with the project, so what harm could flirting really do at this point?

“Well, not tonight. Tonight, you’re mine, and I say we celebrate. No worries allowed.”

“Clarke…”

“Don’t ‘Clarke’ me. I hate when my mother does it, so I sure as hell don’t like when you do it.” Clarke’s eyebrow raised at her, and Lexa shifted in her seat, deciding how comfortable she felt being scolded by the blonde woman sitting across from her.

“Noted.” She decided she was okay with it. “Okay, Clarke. We drink together.”

That’s how they ended up at some burger joint Lexa had never heard of and would never have ventured to had it not been for Clarke’s insistence. When their orders arrived, Clarke continued to tease her about only ordering a salad when they got to eat at the best burger joint in Manhattan. Lexa could only smirk and give in slightly by taking a bite of Clarke’s burger to appease the other woman. She was very aware that Clarke didn’t give up her burger and she had to take the bite from across the table while Clarke was holding it.

Once they settled into finishing their dinners, Clarke ordered them another round of beers despite Lexa only drinking three sips from the one in front of her. She had had worse drinks, but if the night continued, she knew she needed to pace herself if she had any chance of keeping her control around the other woman. It was already difficult not giving into temptation to just hold Clarke’s hand as they walked from the bar to the restaurant, which Clarke had insisted they do instead of worrying about the car. Despite the fall weather being chilly, Lexa didn’t mind a bit.

Instead, they fell into an easy rhythm as they waited for their waitress to return so they could order another round. Lexa watched Clarke’s enthusiasm increase the more she drank, even if they were pacing themselves. Surprisingly, “Make You Feel My Love” got stuck in her head as she watched Clarke take a long sip of her glass as she looked around at the people in the dining area. Lexa cleared her throat and tried to hide her smile by taking a drink from her own glass. “You never mentioned your favorite song, Clarke. I feel like I should put pressure on you to reveal that since I shared mine.”

“No pressure needed. I’ll tell you.’ She turned her attention back to Lexa, and her smile was something Lexa realized she would miss seeing the most. It took awhile for Clarke to smile around her, especially like this, so open and trusting, but now that she had it, she didn’t want to lose it. She just needed to find the courage to ask Clarke out for real instead of hiding behind the campaign. “My one song is ‘Such Great Heights,’ though I admit to loving the Iron and Wine cover more than the original. There’s just something beautifully melodic about it that resonates more emotion.”

“Plus, the broody you mentioned liking before.”

“True.”

The after dinner drinks didn’t last long after that. It was a fight on who would pay, but Clarke eventually won out claiming that Lexa had fed her for two months so it was her turn to pay. Lexa didn’t argue once she saw the adamant look sent her way. Clarke could convey so much with just a look, and Lexa was surprised she hadn’t gone into politics herself. She definitely had the mind for that life, but from what Lexa had gathered, Clarke was well on her way to becoming a phenomenal surgeon. That was even more impressive to her. While Clarke paid, Lexa texted her driver to meet them out front, and he was waiting there for them when they exited the building.

Something Lexa noticed was that Clarke stopped protesting or giving her suspicious looks whenever she would hold the car door open for her. It just became a routine for them.

On the ride back to Clarke’s place, they also went to their recent routine of not holding hands in the middle seat, despite their hands almost touching. When they would reach Clarke’s apartment, Clarke would initiate the contact by lightly squeezing her hand and saying thanks before making her way upstairs. Tonight was different, though. Tonight was the last night they really had an excuse to see each other until the fundraising event. Lexa didn’t know if she could wait that long, but she stared up at the buildings as they neared Clarke’s apartment and sighed because she knew this was it.

Clarke startled her from her thoughts, folding her fingers completely around Lexa’s. Sooner than usual but not unwelcome. She just watched their hand movements as Clarke played with their entwined fingers in the air between them. “Do you have any regrets?”

“Sure. We all do, but that’s what makes us stronger. We take our regrets and our mistakes and we learn from them. Grow.” She swallowed hard and tried not to stare so intensely at Clarke, the light of the streetlamps the only thing really illuminating them. Glancing at her driver, she knew they would have to say their goodbyes soon. Titus would surely be happy to hear that their meetings were no longer necessary. Indra probably would have, too, but Lexa suspected that Clarke had grown a bit on the other woman.

“How are you 26? I’m the same age and still want to curl into my mother’s lap when I have nightmares. You spout out this ancient philosophy crap like it’s nothing; like you’ve lived a thousand years.” Clarke chuckled and proceeded to bite her lip, as though she was holding something back. Lexa could tell she was, but she wanted the other woman to get there on her own, despite the hope and impatience she felt swell in her stomach.

“It comes with discipline and a lot of philosophy books.”

“So, then, what’s your most recent regret?”

“Well…” Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke, realizing they were nearing the other woman’s apartment and they would have to part soon. She wasn’t ready for that just yet; she also wasn’t ready just yet to answer that question truthfully. How could she? Sure, there were signs that Clarke wouldn’t mind if she made a move, but if she did, there was no going back from there. She regretted not making a move sooner, but she could at least test the waters now. “I do regret that I didn’t ask you something the other day.”

“Yeah?” Clarke leaned her body closer, dropping their still entwined hands in the seat between them. She looked up at her, and Lexa knew all she had to do was lean forward. She knew, but she still couldn’t. “What’s that?”

“I wanted to meet your dog.” The car stopped in front of Clarke’s place, but their hands were already entwined so Clarke only squeezed her hand in response. It was how they said goodbye whenever they would venture out somewhere together, which was quite often. Lexa would never admit she was growing tired of Titus’s consistent bickering and scolding about her getting close to Clarke. If he saw them now, he would probably ground her for a week.

“My dog?”

“Yes. Your dog.”

“That’s not some weird euphemism I don’t know about, right? I mean, I know about the cat ones, but what’s…”

“Your dog, Hunter? You put him away last time I was at your apartment.”

“Oh. My actual dog. I thought…never mind what I thought…” Clarke was staring at their hands and biting her lip. Lexa took in a deep breath to calm herself because every time Clarke did that meant she was that much closer to crossing the line. She loved when Clarke bit her lip; it meant she was thinking, and looking at her now, she was obviously thinking too hard. Finally, she stopped biting her lip and raised her eyes to meet Lexa’s. Her gaze was so intense that Lexa felt her entire body flush and her stomach drop even further. “Would you like to come up? Meet him? Raven’s probably in her room working with her headphones on blast. Octavia’s probably already asleep, possibly even in Raven’s room.”

“I would love to.” She didn’t hesitate. Not now. She didn’t know what “coming up” entailed exactly, especially considering her two roommates were home, but Lexa didn’t hesitate. This way, she didn’t have to say goodbye to Clarke yet.

“Good. Great. I mean…yes, come with me, then.”

Lexa rushed to the other side and opened Clarke’s door for her, smiling when she grabbed for her hand and pulled her along and up the steps that led into the apartment building. She fumbled with her keys, and Lexa went to drop her hand so that she could open the door better, but Clarke just gripped tighter, refusing to let her go. Once the door was open, they made their way up the stairs to the apartment and slowly entered the door in a similar fashion as the downstairs entrance. Clarke dropped her bag next to the couch, gesturing that Lexa could sit down. She mentioned she’d return quickly and came back with Hunter, who appeared torn between being upset that he was woken up and happy that he had company.

When she knew Clarke had a dog, she didn’t think to ask many details. She’d never had a dog growing up, but she’d seen enough films and read enough cultural texts to know Hunter was a full-blooded Husky, his blue eyes a direct parallel to Clarke’s own. He came and sat on the couch next to her on his blanket and just stared at her. Lexa wasn’t sure what to do, so she held out her hand to him and let him sniff her first. Since he seemed okay with her, he nudged his head against her hand and she proceeded to pet him until he laid his head on her lap. He was warm and furry and smelled like vanilla, which was weird for a dog. Lexa suspected that was the result of living with three women, though.

“Where does he usually sleep?” Lexa had been too busy meeting Hunter that she hadn’t realized Clarke had been in the kitchen until she placed a glass of water on the table for her.

“He was actually in Octavia’s bed because, as predicted, she was in Raven’s bed out cold. My door was shut, which he actually prefers. Octavia says it’s because he misses me because I’m not here as much.”

“I can imagine that being a problem.”

“Getting shut out of the room?”

“Missing you.” Lexa leaned forward as she cleared her throat, glad the lighting in the living room was low because she knew she was blushing at her forwardness. Clarke must’ve felt awkward because she sat down on the L-shape of the couch and grabbed the remote to turn the TV on. She pounded the remote until the volume was very low, probably out of respect for her roommates.

“Do you have a preference of what to watch?”

“Not really. I wouldn’t know where to start. I don’t get a chance to watch much.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me? I’ll just put on something then.”

“Okay.” Lexa knew she should probably leave. She looked at her watch and noticed it was nearing 11pm, but there was something comfortable about Clarke sitting near her and Hunter’s head on her lap that made her want to stay. After all, Clarke had invited her up, so it would be rude to leave after only being there a few minutes.

She had no idea what they watched because she could only focus on how Clarke would fidget and slowly make her way closer to her part of the L-shape. Once, Clarke had gone into the kitchen area to pour herself more water, but when she returned, she sat right next to Lexa, their legs and hips and arms touching. Lexa had to swallow and take deep breaths through her nose to calm herself. All she had to do was turn to Clarke and kiss her or just say something, anything. It was clear that was where it was heading. She fidgeted with her fingers, not sure what to do since Hunter began lightly snoring a bit ago. The sound wasn’t really up loud enough for Lexa to pay attention, and it was like she was having more of an internal battle with her willpower. On one hand, there was everything her head was telling her to do: get out of there and forget about Clarke. On the other, there was what her body was telling her to do: get over there and get on Clarke. Just as she turned her head to make eye contact with Clarke, the other woman did the same, biting her lip and obviously looking at Lexa’s lips.

The loud crash and curse from the other room broke the moment. Lexa blinked and sat up, feeling her heartbeat in her ears.

“I should go. It’s getting late, and I have morning meetings.” Lexa stood to leave and walked to the door. Clarke turned off the television and follows her, and the small common room suddenly feels hot. She knows she needs to leave, especially if she has any chance of getting in at least a mile run on her treadmill before bed. She was definitely going to need to work out some of her frustration through exercise. Even though she feels like she could stay in this particular space and in this particular time forever, Lexa knows she needs to leave. Since it’s clear Clarke is exhausted, she decides it is time to depart and let the other woman get some rest. Even though she doesn’t work the next day, Lexa knows Clarke well enough to know she will still wake up before 8am. She considers asking about doing something tomorrow, but she’s not sure what there is to say. Where there is to go. What there is to do. This is unfamiliar territory for her, and that frightens her slightly.

Suddenly, Lexa realizes the reason they have been spending so much time together is over. They don’t need to meet anymore. This fact unnerves her, so she tries to think of ways to extend their time together. Naturally, talking about work and questioning that work was her go to solution. It had been from the beginning with Clarke, and they both knew that now.

“Tell me, Clarke. Why were you so opposed to doing things my way in the beginning?” Lexa was still not sure about this because she had been the first to start compromising, but Clarke had been the one to give in more to do things Lexa’s way. “You said yourself I’m good at what I do, and I only ever mentioned things that have helped me survive and succeed. You gave in, so what changed your mind?”

“Well, maybe life should be about more than just surviving.” The way Clarke said that, so desperately and so forlorn, something in Lexa just turned on. She bit her own lip as she looked down at Clarke’s, trying to talk herself out of it but being too exhausted from fighting her attraction anymore.            

“Maybe it should.” They were still high from their earlier celebration, from finally achieving part of their goal. There was no work really holding them back anymore. All they had to do was implement their plans, and that didn’t really require them to remain professional anymore. They could let go if they wanted.

So Lexa let go and stopped fighting and moved forward until she was fully in Clarke’s personal space. She knew what she wanted. There was no more thinking. No more overthinking. No more second guessing.

She waited until Clarke made eye contact with her and closed the distance, gently placing her hand beside Clarke’s neck, cupping her left ear between her thumb and index finger and feeling the blonde tendrils brushing against her palm. She leaned forward to lightly and carefully place her lips against the other woman’s, not getting any protest from the other woman who tentatively seemed to accept her. She wished she had breathed deeper before she had leaned forward because feeling her lips, no matter how lightly, pressed against Clarke’s caused her to suck in even more air into lungs and feel like she couldn’t breathe.

She didn’t press further, just slowly let her lips move until she felt Clarke’s lips start to move with her. It was tentative, slow, testing to see how the other woman would actually react. Lexa didn’t want to push. It didn’t matter how long they had been connected; all that mattered was this one moment and taking what she could get. When she felt Clarke’s lips opening and moving against her, Lexa felt more confident in their kiss but still held back. She wanted this woman; they had come up with a plan and were on the high from finally making a decision, and she was worried that this would be the last chance she would have to make her move. So she tilted her head slightly for better access and continued to move her lips against Clarke’s until she felt the other woman’s hand on her back, urging her closer with just a light touch, obviously not wanting her to move. Lexa took that as a sign to continue and deepen the kiss, so when their lips parted briefly, she rubbed her nose lightly against Clarke’s as she slowly tilted her head to the other side. She made sure to take a deeper breath this time before she leaned back in to capture her lips again.

However, when she went to lean forward this time, Clarke pulled back slightly, her gasp filling the air between them.

“Lexa, I…” Clarke’s body was tense as she shook her head slightly, still staring at Lexa but now with hooded eyes that were obviously filled with want. It was clear in her eyes and the way she kept glancing at her lips that Clarke was just as affected in that moment. Lexa didn’t trust herself to say anything just then, so she didn’t respond and decided it was best to let Clarke talk and perhaps explain why she backed away. “I want to, believe me. I do, but…I just. We just figured this plan thing out, and I don’t want this to distract us. We’re so close now. Maybe soon; just, I’m not ready. Not yet.”

“Of course.” Lexa knew she was blinking too much, but she was tense and trying to control her response. She had made a move and wasn’t exactly being rejected. There was an unspoken promise in those words, and Lexa could live with that for now. She just had to be patient and wait until Clarke was ready. The last thing she wanted was to force the other woman into something she wasn’t ready for, especially considering everything that would change if they decided to try whatever this was. Looking at Clarke’s inability to stop staring at her lips, Lexa knew they were in that space together. That they were both struggling not to just give into temptation in that moment. After all, Clarke’s room was just down the hall and most likely had a bed. That knowledge loomed over and teased her with the what-ifs.

She glanced over and noticed the couch teasing them, too. She could see Hunter lounged across it still, obviously not willing to move despite his previous attendants moving away from him. The couch was an easy surface to crash together on, but the sounds of continuous cursing coming from the other room reminded her that others were home, and she doubted Clarke would agree to anything in the public areas of her shared apartment. At least not when her roommates were on the other side of the wall.

“I should get going.” The sound brought her back to reality, and Lexa honestly didn’t trust herself.

“You don’t have to.”

“I should, though.”

“You should stay. We can watch something else on Netflix.” Clarke moved her hand to grab Lexa’s but let it go instead of holding on.

“I’m not sure I trust myself if I stay.” Lexa felt herself swallow, breathing heavily through her nose to take calming breaths. This only caused her to smell Clarke’s perfume and the slight hints of alcohol on her breath. They were still standing close to one another and still kept glancing at the other.

There was a brief moment of silence between them, the sounds of Hunter’s heavy breathing and the refrigerator humming surrounding them. “You’re not alone in this, you know. I want to. I really, really, _really_ want to, but…it’s not the right timing yet.”         

“Of course, Clarke.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No. Of course not.”

“But you’re disappointed. I can see it in your eyes.”            

“It’s okay, Clarke. You’re not ready. I can respect that.”

“But I will be. And I want to. You get that? I’m being clear?” Clarke’s eyebrows scrunched together, and she looked almost worried or scared.

“I get it, Clarke.” Lexa took another deep breath, her lips still tingling slightly from their light kissing and begging her to lean back in again. “If anyone gets the need to separate business from pleasure, trust me, I’ve had lifelong lessons for years on the subject. Titus would have a coronary if he knew…”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I think I’d like to keep it to myself. At least for now. I don’t want Gustus or Anya to think I’ve given into peer pressure or anything, either.” She cleared her throat and rolled her eyes to the ceiling slightly when she imagined all the responses she would get from those around her if they found out about her and Clarke. Even if Anya already voiced her suspicions already. “No matter who I tell, I would get a lecture of some sort, and I don’t need that right now.”            

“Why would they be peer pressuring you?”

“They think I need a life partner to make me look good to the shareholders. Costia wasn’t my defining moment in business, but it’s always looming over me the mistakes I made there. It’s stupid, but they seem to think if I married someone without the emotional connection that I would only boost our company’s image without worrying about the distractions that come with actually being in love with the person. Or more specifically, boost my image. They think that people are scared of change, and that to be alone threatens societal norms or something like that. Like I said: stupid.”

“Politicians do that all the time, marry for image and not love, so maybe your business is more like my world than you think. I also don’t think I’ve ever heard you use the word ‘stupid’ before.” Clarke licked her lips, her eyebrows scrunched together in either concern or anger now, shifting slightly from her previous one. Lexa couldn’t tell which or if it was a combination, but she knew she wanted to erase that look. Clarke stepped back from her, clearing her throat and clearly upset a bit. “Is that what you’re doing with me? I’m some business deal?”

“Never.” Lexa wanted to be clear about that. She found no use for failing to communicate effectively. Moments like this made that more apparent because her response would definitely have dictated that little bit of hope she’d found in Clarke’s “not yet” from earlier. She stepped forward, following Clarke and not letting her escape the intensity of their space.

“Oh.” Clarke blinked, and Lexa knew her intentions were clear.

“I’m not a fan of the whole thing, and I want to be clear that my intentions are purely my own. I would never…” She steeled her jaw because it really was hard not to just kiss Clarke again.

“I kissed you back, you know.” Clarke must have noticed her struggle not to kiss her again because she seemed to panic and placed a hand on Lexa’s arm. The air around them was too intense. She didn’t want Clarke to regret it, though, since she was being clear that it was hard for her not to give in, too.

“I know.” Lexa smirked. “I should go.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.”            

“But I have to.”

“I know.” Clarke closed her eyes and let out a breath through her slight chuckle. It wasn’t a laugh of humor so much as one of frustration, and Lexa knew she had to make the effort to leave before Clarke pulled her back in.

So, Lexa moved to the door and opened the handle, gripping the door as she leaned against it to have one last look at the other woman before she was gone. Since they didn’t have a reason to get together now until the fundraiser in a few weeks, Lexa wanted one last view of Clarke before she left. She was all flushed cheeks and heavy breaths, and Lexa was happy that she could at least leave tonight with the knowledge of what Clarke’s lips tasted and felt like. She could leave with the knowledge that a “not yet” could turn into a “maybe someday” in just a few months. Perhaps they needed some time apart to reflect on their journey together. “Good night, Clarke.”

“Good night, _Heda_.” Lexa had always hated that nickname. She was starting to grow fond of it somehow.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "By 2am, I hope I'm naked with her..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a long chapter, but I couldn't help myself.

Chapter Seven

“I’m gonna wait till the stars come out/ And see that twinkle in your eyes.”

-Wilson Pickett, “In the Midnight Hour”

 

* * *

 

It had only been a week and a half without contact with Lexa, and it felt awkward to Clarke. Like somehow she was missing something. Raven was the first to say something to her. Apparently, she stared at the wall too much and touched her lips or her chest whenever they were sitting at home together. Once Raven pointed it out, Octavia seemed to follow, probably because they had discussed it without her. Apparently, Clarke had also been eating less and acted like someone had died. They put it together quickly that something had happened. However, it took them another few days before they confronted her about it and told her she was being stupid and needed to go over there to take back her “not yet” and replace it with a “right now, dammit.”

The problem with doing that was that she didn’t know how. She imagined at least two dozen ways in which she would meet with Lexa again. Maybe they would both randomly meet in Central Park and their eyes would meet across the lawn before meeting in the middle. Maybe they would both attend the philharmonic and randomly be seated next to each other and just hold hands as though no time had passed. Maybe they would meet at an event just like when they first met and both order scotch at the bar and just turn to each other and laugh.

There were too many maybes and not enough definites. The longer she let her imagination come up with ways to see her, the more anxious Clarke became as the days passed because she would be seeing her next Friday at the fundraiser.

Eight days.

That’s how long until they would finally get a definite. That’s how long Clarke had to decide how to turn that “not yet” into a “right now” because the more time she spent apart from the other woman, the more Clarke realized she didn’t want that. Her friends were right; there were no more excuses. She wanted Lexa, and she didn’t want to hide that anymore. If nothing came of it, then nothing came of it, but at least she could say it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Her mother was the next to notice something. She had seemed happy about the campaign finally making a movement but kept questioning why it had taken so long. In retrospect, Clarke knew her efficiency wasn’t up to par with her normal work for her mother or what her mother was used to when she tasked someone with one of her campaigns. She couldn’t exactly tell Senator Abby Griffin that she had taken so long because she was stalling for a pretty girl. Her mother would probably scold her just as much as Clarke was sure Titus scolded Lexa about their entire non-affair affair.

Then again, her mother probably would’ve liked knowing Clarke was out there again. Well, “out there” was pushing it. It’s not like she’d intentionally started working with Lexa with the intention of actually liking the girl; she never could’ve anticipated this happening.

Since she had been so busy with work and Lexa, Clarke had put off dinner with her mother. Tonight, she wasn’t given a choice because her mother needed her to attend a banquet with her and Kane. She wasn’t happy about it, but she already felt like she’d let her mother down, so there was no sense trying to fight. Plus, it was for a veterans affairs event, and Abby Griffin loved showing off her “beautiful daughter” to the older gentlemen who attended those events. While it wasn’t blatantly an attempt to throw pretty young women at older men to use sex appeal to sway the vote, her mother wasn’t exactly fooling anyone that at least that was part of it. Besides, Clarke actually loved the veterans parties because they were usually a fun mixture of patriotism and drunken war stories. Raven loved them for the same reason, so it was awful that she had to miss tonight.

As soon as she walked into the ballroom, Clarke immediately searched for Lexa despite knowing she wouldn’t be there. The last time she had attended an event for her mother was the day she met Lexa, so she was slightly hopeful that her imagined interaction with the other woman would come true. That they would meet at the bar after both ordering scotch again. It made sense for Lexa to be at an event for music education but no sense that she would be here tonight, considering it dealt with veterans’ benefits. Clarke knew better, but that didn’t keep her from hoping.

Eight days felt like forever.

While her mother was busy discussing something with a group of gentlemen dressed in military blues, Kane had stayed behind to keep Clarke company. She had wanted to bring Raven tonight to keep her company, but her mother had insisted she come alone. Honestly, Clarke should have just brought Raven anyways because it wasn’t like her mother talked to her too much except in the car ride over here, where she drilled her about the fundraiser next week and the upcoming schoolboard meeting plan. Even though she had lived this life with her mother for several years now, Clarke still felt odd that their relationship had shifted to a political one, too. She almost wondered if her mother would try to sell the whole political marriage to her, too, just like Lexa’s uncle and cousin seemed to be doing. Maybe that’s why she flaunted her around these events, introducing her to service men and women her mother would never even remember. Lexa was right, though, it was a stupid thing and Clarke knew she would never be able to live like that. She was glad to see Lexa felt the same. She may have been all “love is weakness,” but Clarke could see that the other woman still felt those things. That she did care; that she did love. Lexa may have everyone else fooled, but Clarke could see through her facade.

Kane cleared his throat and handed Clarke a glass. She hadn’t even realized she had downed her entire scotch. So much for slow and steady to savor. She smiled at him, not sure what to say. Just because he wasn’t her father didn’t mean he wasn’t a good man or good for them. He had been a staple in their lives for a bit now, but she still felt awkward around him. But he appeared to actually love her mother, and he was good to her, so Clarke couldn’t really complain too much. If it had started because of a political marriage, they would have already announced to the world they were an item, so Clarke could tell their privacy justified their emotions.

“How has work been, Clarke? Your mother mentions you’ve been excelling and doing surgeries she only dreamed of as a first year.” Kane cleared his throat again, probably out of some discomfort. It’s not like they’ve never been alone before, especially at these events, but the way he stood next to her as they watched the crowd mingle was quite odd.

“She has to say that. She’s my mother.” Of course, Clarke had not told her any such thing, but she wasn’t naïve enough to think her mother wasn’t calling her chief of surgery, an old friend of hers, to check up on her daughter. Clarke felt oddly comforted in that fact despite her annoyance because at least she cared enough to do that.

“No, I think you’ve accomplished quite a lot at your age. Your mother is right to be proud of you.” He smiled at her, and it was genuine. Clarke relaxed in his presence because while he wasn’t her father, Marcus Kane was the closest she had to a father figure now. While she questioned him at first, because his previous politics had been questionable, she had gotten to know him a bit better. As far as replacement father figures go, she could do a lot worse. “Abby tells me you’ve also completed the Mount Weather project, too. She’s looking forward to the fundraiser next week.”

“I’m sure she is, and yes, we have completed the project.”

“We?”

“Lexa and I.”            

“You’ve grown fond of her. I can see it now.” Kane smiled and nodded at a passing gentleman who waved at him, shaking his hand before he kept walking to the bar beside them. “Your mother probably doesn’t see it, but I don’t think you’re as good at hiding your feelings as you probably think.”

“Fond is such an odd term to use.”

“But you do feel something for her.”

“I…” Clarke wasn’t sure if she wanted to reveal this. It was one thing admitting this to her best friends, but to talk about this with Kane?

“It’s okay, Clarke. You don’t have to tell me anything. I’m a politician. I know when people are saying things loudly without ever saying a word.”

“I just…she’s…”

“It’s okay to like her, Clarke. Your mother won’t be upset. In fact, she’d probably be over the moon that you’re finally putting yourself out there again. After what happened with Finn, I think she was worried you were going to become a hermit.”

“I dated after Finn.”

“Yes, but nothing serious, and the look on your face and the way your shoulders are warring between tense and relaxed tell me that you are quite serious this time.”

“I mean, it’s weird talking to you about this.”

“You don’t have to talk to me about anything you don’t want to, Clarke.” His eyes were kind but strong, and when he smiled at her, she returned the gesture. “I plan on being in you and your mother’s lives for a long time, so I hope one day you feel comfortable talking to me if you ever need. I’m not asking to replace your father; nobody will ever be able to do that. I just know your mother is sometimes a difficult woman to talk to, and sometimes it helps to have an ally on the inside.”

“I will keep that in mind.” Clarke sipped at her drink, as she watched her mother’s movement from one group to the next. She was extremely fluid and confident, and these people seemed genuinely happy she could be there. She turned back to Kane and looked at him watching her mother, too. The way his eyes seemed to sparkle with something like a mixture of pride and love and respect. Clarke wanted that, too.

Her eyes widened when she realized that she already had that. If she wanted it, she already had that. That’s how Lexa would look at her. That’s what O and Raven had meant about “heart eyes.”

Clarke was a fucking idiot sometimes.

She was about to pull out her phone and text Lexa, to see if she could meet her tonight, but the announcer came over the speaker to let them know the dinner was ready to be served. Kane placed his hand on Clarke’s shoulder, and she dropped her phone back in her purse before she had a chance to pull it out. They walked to meet her mother at the table and sat down together. Like a weird political family dinner, surrounded by potential voters. Clarke knew her role, so she just smiled and answered practiced questions about her mother’s politics to the people seated at the large round table with them. Her mother laughed and Kane kept giving Clarke knowing glances, as though they had some sort of inside joke going. There really wasn’t one, but Clarke understood his glances anyways.

After the banquet was over, they made their way to the car waiting for them. They were going to drop Clarke off at her apartment, but as they passed Polis Tower, her thoughts drifted to Lexa again and she toyed with having the driver stop the car. She leaned against her window to see if she could make out lights on the upper floors, but it was too tall to see anything. She sighed and leaned back in her seat, looking at the clock in the car and realizing it was too late for Lexa to be there anyways. She was probably already home and going through her nightly routine that she’d explained to Clarke once, who could only just chuckled because all she gathered was that Lexa was useless when it came to cooking and was mildly compulsive with her routines.

The car dropped her off, and her mother hugged her tightly, telling her herself that she was proud of her. It was a good feeling. She looked back at Kane sitting on the other side of her mom and just nodded in understanding. He would take good care of her and Clarke could finally relax some. She could finally be her own person outside of her mother’s career.

As she waved one final time when the car drove away, Clarke pulled out her keys from her purse. She saw her phone in there and remembered the text she wanted to send Lexa earlier. She would be home and still be up, probably doing work, so there was still time. Raven and Octavia would be asleep, or at least O would be asleep while Raven worked next to her. Clarke craved more conversation; she had barely talked tonight about anything other than her mother. It was draining and she wanted something more. Instead of second guessing, Clarke tagged a cab and directed him to Lexa’s building.

It had only been a little over two weeks since she’d been to Lexa’s condo last, so the night watch knew her face. He just smirked at her, tipped his hat, and allowed her entrance without question. As she rode up the elevator to Lexa’s floor, Clarke began to question what she was doing. She was showing up unannounced, which was extremely rude and disrespectful. They’d always planned things; it was never spontaneous. She would be catching the other woman off her guard, and Clarke honestly wanted to see her in that state. That state of unpreparedness.

When the elevator doors opened, Clarke could see Lexa’s door staring right at her. There were only three units on this floor, and Lexa’s was right across from the elevator. Instead of using the service entrance like she had in the past, because Titus had refused to open the front door for her when she knew she was coming, Clarke walked right up to the front door. She hesitated because she wasn’t sure what to say once she actually did ring the bell. After a week and a half of imagining every scenario possible about their meeting, she never had pictured this. This version of right now was actually quite terrifying because she was the one in control. She was the one offering herself up this time, and she was worried that Lexa would reject her now that their alliance was technically finished.

She took a deep breath, feeling the slight buzz from the scotch from earlier, and looked down at herself. The banquet was full regalia, but she had only worn her white blouse and black pencil skirt, her hair pulled up and away from her neck, and her grandmother’s pearl necklace accentuating her neck. Taking another breath, she undid another button on her loose blouse, preparing for battle. She couldn’t exactly show up on Lexa’s doorstep unannounced without a plan. Or cleavage, which was the only plan she really had at the moment.

It felt like she was on fire or about to pass out. What was she doing? This was insane. Her heartbeat felt like it was everywhere all at once in her body.

She leaned her arm forward and pushed the bell, her heartbeat just increasing the more time passed without an answer. If nobody answered on the first ring, she decided that was it and would just leave. No more insanity; nobody had to know she was here.

The door opened, and she prepared herself to not give Lexa a chance to talk. If she had come this far, she just needed to crash into her completely.

“Clarke, I wasn’t aware Lexa was to meet you tonight.” Titus was not who she expected to see on the other side of the door. “She is currently detained.”

“Oh. Well, I…”

“Titus, who is it?” Lexa appeared inside the living area, but she hadn’t looked as she pulled earbuds from her ears, making her way to the kitchen area. Her hair was pulled back and up, and she was wearing short running shorts and a tight black tank top, an orange sports bra peeking out the back. Clarke just gasped in response, her jaw dropping slightly to speak but nothing coming out when Lexa finally looked to the door and noticed her there. “Clarke.”

It was the way she said her name. The way she always said her name. Like it had such reverence, and her eyes seemed to grow as she stayed rooted in her spot next to her kitchen island counter. Her condo was much larger than the one Clarke shared with two other people, but they still had a good line of vision to one another. Clarke completely forgot Titus was obscuring her path to playing out her original plan of just crashing into the brunette.

“I’m afraid _Heda_ is busy tonight. Perhaps you can arrange a meeting with her at a more convenient time.” Titus cleared his throat and just stared at Clarke, obviously challenging her to say something. Instead of responding to him, Clarke just looked to Lexa, who hadn’t moved or said anything yet. “I’m sure whatever it is can wait. It’s not important. She still has much work to do. Work that doesn’t concern you.”

“Titus, you may speak freely in front of Clarke. I’m sure she wouldn’t be here unannounced unless it was something of dire consequence.” She finally walked to the door, and Clarke felt relief that she wasn’t being turned away completely. Lexa stood behind and beside Titus, not talking until he fully turned to her. “I can handle the rest of the night’s agenda, Titus. Thank you again. You can have your leave.”

“Of course, Heda.” He may have been Lexa’s keeper and protector, but he was still very much not in control. Clarke just smirked lightly as she caught Lexa’s light knowing look. Without arguing, Titus made his way back into the condo and towards the servants’ apartment. Even when he left them alone, he was always too close for Clarke’s comfort, but she’d never say anything because it was clear he was only concerned for Lexa. They may not work well together, but Clarke could respect Titus’s place in Lexa’s life. She actually respected him for staying all of these years, even once she was an adult. He was just like an unapproving parent; Clarke could handle that.

Once he was gone, Clarke finally made to move inside the condo, seeing the sweat still slightly soaking Lexa’s skin. It was the most Clarke had ever seen of the other woman, and she definitely approved. While she’d seen the infinity tattoo on the back of Lexa’s neck, she never would have guessed there would be more. Lexa had some sort of tribal design on her arm, and there was a hint of something on her back. Clarke wanted to ask if she could see them all more closely, but she just bit her lip and stared at Lexa’s neck. She wasn’t sure she trusted her voice in that moment and suddenly felt thirsty, like her throat was dry.

“Clarke.” Lexa’s smirk was obviously saying she was caught staring. “I was just about to grab a coconut water. Would you like something?”

“Oh, uh…water?” She swallowed and felt how dry her throat was. Lexa just nodded and made her way to the fridge, so Clarke followed and sat down at the kitchen island. Her place was much nicer, and Clarke was happy that the stool didn’t snag her skirt when she sat down. This was not at all what she pictured happening once the door finally opened a few minutes ago.

“Is something wrong with the fundraiser?” Lexa handed Clarke a glass of water before she leaned forward on her island counter, taking a sip of her own drink. Clarke just chuckled lightly as she pulled the glass to her lips because this was a mirror image of her own unconscious attempts to seduce Lexa a month ago in her apartment. They had known each other for 9 ½ weeks now; it’s not like if something did happen that it was moving too fast. “I am busy and Titus wasn’t lying, I do have more work tonight, but you could have called. I would have answered.”

“No. Everything is fine. Octavia is pumped; she won’t shut up about it.”

“Not that I mind, but I highly doubt you came rushing over here without warning at 10pm on a Wednesday night to talk about Octavia.”

“No. You’re right.”            

“Then what is it, Clarke?”

“I was at a banquet tonight with my mother, and Kane of course, and I realized something.”

“What did you realize?”

“The way you look at me.”

“What about the way I look at you?”            

“I’ve…I missed it. That’s all.”            

“So, you thought the logical thing to do because you missed the way I look at you was to show up on my doorstep without telling me.”

“I know. It’s silly.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Lexa…” Clarke didn’t know what else to say. Now that she was here, she didn’t know what else to say as she just watched Lexa look down at the counter as she laid her glass down.

She didn’t have to say anything, apparently, because Lexa moved so swiftly and smoothly that she hardly made a sound before she was leaning between Clarke’s legs and attaching their lips together. Clarke had a brief second to adjust from her shock before she wrapped her arm around Lexa’s neck and pulled her in closer, feeling the intensity from this kiss that was clearly driven by want. Their first kiss the other night had been tentative; this was nothing like that. It was clear Lexa understood her reasons for coming here and was tired of the small talk.

Clarke realized how sweaty and unkempt Lexa was compared to her, and it felt like a contrast to how things usually were. This was a part of the other woman she had yet to uncover, and she was glad that there was barely anything covering her because it gave her free access to feel her hands against Lexa’s warm skin.

However, Clarke was wearing a skirt, so when Lexa leaned further in her space more, Clarke felt constricted and almost fell from the stool. They parted as she tried to right herself. Once she was standing, they just looked at each other and laughed.

That look. The way Lexa looked at her. That was what she missed.

“I guess I should let you get back to work.”

“Clarke…”

“Yes?”

“I…have some time in the morning to finish. Stay.”

“I actually have rounds in the morning, too.”

“I can have my driver drop you. Stay.”

“I didn’t mean to cross the line.”

“I think that ship sailed a while back, Clarke.”

“Still…”

“Okay, so we crossed a line. Who’s to say you can’t stay on this side of it?”

“I can think of someone who would say that.” Clarke looked to where the door led out to Titus’s apartment. She took a deep breath, too aware that she very much wanted to stay but not sure if she should. Instead of going further, she just bit her lip again and stared at Lexa’s lips. They were definitely kissable; that hypothesis had now been proven, but it never hurt to try again. For science and all.            

They just exchanged a knowing look before chuckling together again. It was something she wasn’t used to, actually. She wasn’t entirely sure she’d heard Lexa truly and honestly laugh. It was refreshing, and she sounded light. She didn’t sound like a woman who had a huge responsibility on her shoulders. She just sounded like a young woman who was happy. Clarke made up her mind in that moment because she wanted to hear that laugh again.

Instead of saying anything, she just moved forward and wrapped her hand around Lexa’s neck, pulling her closer as they met in the middle. This kiss was a nice mixture between the softness of their first one and the intensity from the one moments before this.

Clarke breathed in through her nose as they parted again, but she didn’t let Lexa pull back too far before she wrapped her arms around her back and pulled them back together, undoing Lexa’s hair in the process and letting her long brown waves fall against her arms, pulling her closer.

She had never been anywhere but this main room and Lexa’s office in the condo, so Clarke had no idea where to go, but she knew she didn’t want to stop. So, she pushed Lexa backwards, their hands entwined now between them, as they moved back to the couch in Lexa’s main expansive living area. She quietly longed for her own apartment because the space wasn’t as large and would take less time to get anywhere.

Once they reached the couch, Lexa sat down and just looked up at Clarke. There was something even more addicting in the way she looked at her now. There was no question of the desire and affection there, and there was no question her own gaze reflected the same. They just looked at each other, their legs and hands still entwined, as Clarke stayed standing between Lexa’s legs. Instead of overthinking her next move, Clarke just let out a deep breath and relaxed.

Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s back, pulling her down on top of her as they adjusted longways on the couch. It had been a long time since Clarke had made out with someone on a couch, but she felt like this was something else. Something more. She didn’t know what yet, but there was no sense in overanalyzing that, either. She wanted to appreciate what she had in this moment because it was much better than she could imagine in any of her scenarios.

She was the one who came here without warning; it wasn’t Lexa’s fault she had been caught post workout. Clarke didn’t mind the mixture of Lexa’s cologne mixed with her sweat; instead, she found it intoxicating because she still smelled great, like the sweat just amplified the cologne even more. Lexa just kept her hands wrapped around Clarke’s back, pulling the blouse untucked from her skirt and moving her hands underneath until she too was touching skin. Their kisses were deep and breathy and warm, and Clarke moved her tongue along Lexa’s lips, tasting the coconut water she had just been drinking.

While she may not know what came next, Clarke was damn well certain she wanted to find out because if she thought the way Lexa looked at her was addicting, that was nothing compared to their lips and their bodies wrapped together. Nothing compared to the way Lexa’s skin felt beneath her palms.

She felt too restricted in her skirt because it was hindering her from getting closer, from moving her legs. Clarke could only smile at the slight whimper she heard from the back of Lexa’s throat when she abruptly pulled herself from the couch. The whimper turned into a quiet gasp, though, when Clarke stood and unzipped her skirt, letting it pool at her feet before also kicking off her stockings and heels. Lexa just watched her work, and Clarke noticed that her eyes darkened as she also licked her swollen lips. As if she wasn’t already utterly fuckable; Raven was right about that. Clarke was finally fully agreeing with that fact.

“Wait…Clarke…”

“What?” Clarke felt self-conscious all of a sudden, standing half naked and vulnerable in front of the other woman.

“Hey…” Lexa sat up and ran her hands lightly along the back of Clarke’s thighs, pulling her closer. It felt like lava had poured down her legs. If she’d ever been more turned on than she was in that moment, Clarke wasn’t sure because all she had was this moment and the way Lexa’s light touch was both reassuring her and teasing her. “I was just going to suggest we should probably move to my bedroom. I wouldn’t want Titus to catch us.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. Very.”

“Sorry. I just…it’s like we’re fucking teenagers right now, afraid of getting caught, like this isn’t your place.”

“It’s just …I would prefer to take my time because I’ve thought about this for a long time, Clarke. I’d rather take my time, which means I’ll probably keep you until morning, and I don’t want Titus to walk in here in the morning to make breakfast and see us naked on the couch. That’s all.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, oh.”

“Until the morning, you say?”

“I’m not kidding. I’ve thought about this a long time.”

“Me, too.”

“Stay?” Lexa stood, picking up Clarke’s clothes from the floor and offering her hand to her. Clarke didn’t say anything, just wrapped her hand into Lexa’s and allowed her to lead her wherever. When Lexa promised things like that, there was no way she’d be going back across the line now. She was on this side of it for good.

* * *

 

Lexa was tired and fidgety. It wasn’t something she ever allowed herself to be, but that was the only way to explain it. She had a board meeting tomorrow, and there was no way she could get out of preparing for it all week. No matter how much she wanted to. No matter how much she wanted to give in to Clarke’s requests to meet up. After Clarke had shown up on her doorstep without warning last week, Lexa really _really_ wanted to give in.

Lexa was tired and fidgety, and it was because she couldn’t give up on her duties and fall into Clarke completely. They had both barely come up for air the other night as it was before they’d passed out from exhaustion and soreness.

Everything about Clarke Griffin was addicting. The way her lips moved against hers. The way her hair fell against her shoulders. The way her eyes shut tightly and her brow scrunched as she attempted to control her breathing whenever she would come. The way she gripped onto Lexa’s body post orgasm, like she was afraid it wasn’t real and she wasn’t really there. Yes, Clarke Griffin was addicting, and they’d only spent one night together. Which is why it was extra challenging not to give in because the more times they gave in, the less they fumbled until their bodies were perfectly in sync with the other’s. Lexa hadn’t had sex like that since her beginning relationship with Costia, and even then, that wasn’t entirely accurate because it was different. It was…more somehow with Clarke. So, again, with the challenging because her body craved that connection and release again. And again. And again.

Unfortunately, she had a business to run and there was no room for distractions. Clarke Griffin was addicting and distracting. That was the only explanation for it. Why else would she be so affected and unable to focus whenever Indra ran through her daily schedule? Perhaps it was because the fundraiser was tonight, and after eight days of having to decline Clarke’s invitations, they would finally be seeing each other again. For the first time since they’d had sex. No, sex wasn’t the right word. Well, it was, but there was a lot more to it than that. It was like this volcanic eruption had exploded and just continued to flow.

When Clarke would threaten to just show up again, Lexa knew she would never be able to turn her away if she did. They both knew, which was why Clarke never did. It was hard to leave Clarke snuggled in her maroon sheets last week, the comforter long fallen on the floor, but Lexa had to make up for the time she’d missed working on her budget files. She’d left Clarke a note on the pillow beside her, apologizing for not being there when she woke. It was probably the thing Lexa looked forward to the most post-sex with Clarke, waking up and smiling at each other when their lucid states remembered the night before. But life had other plans for her.

At least she was happy she managed to spare Clarke having to deal with Titus whenever she did wake up and go to work that morning. She’d asked him to run errands for her before she’d left for the office. He’d asked her what time Clarke left, but she’d not answered. If there was no proof anything happened, then he couldn’t lecture her. Or so she thought. She’d endured a scolding lecture on professionalism and respect for time and not letting Clarke distract her. Truth was, Clarke was distracting. But Lexa honestly didn’t mind the distraction. Even with Titus acting as her conscience, Lexa couldn’t imagine not giving into Clarke. She knew now she was a fool to have even tried.

What was even better was that they’d not had to talk about what happened. It was just something that happened and that both agreed would be pleasant if it happened again. There was no need to act like they were doing something unprofessional by having sex. They had just both stopped denying themselves the things they wanted and stopped worrying about what others needed. It was actually quite refreshing.

They texted all week and Clarke had sent random pictures to her. Selfies in her scrubs and pajamas. Hunter laying completely across Raven on their couch. Octavia flipping her off for catching her with bedhead. Lexa responded in kind by sending her pictures of the walls she had to stare at constantly. Once, she sent her a picture of the couch, letting her know it was making it more difficult to do work when she had to sit on her couch and remember what had happened there recently. The latest pictures Clarke had sent was of the public meeting hall where they would be hosting the fundraising event tonight, the banners she’d helped design plastered across the walls.

As she directed her driver to pick up Clarke and her friends, as per their agreement, Lexa just stared at the last picture: a selfie Clarke had taken with a tuba player posed behind her like he was going to place the tuba on her head. Her facial expression and posture was playful and adorable, and Lexa leaned back in her seat, trying to pull in her emotional response to this simple, silly picture. One thing was certain: Clarke Griffin was stunning, even when she wasn’t trying to be. Perhaps even moreso in those moments because they were more real somehow.

They didn’t talk about the sex at all but maybe they should have because suddenly, the thought of seeing Clarke again for the first time after had Lexa’s legs shaking. The car felt way too hot, despite the chilling weather outside, so she rolled down the window slightly and took in the light breeze against her cheeks. Since she had texted her destination and ETA, when the car pulled up, Clarke and her friends were already standing outside waiting.

When Lexa took in Clarke’s blue cocktail dress and the way it fit her curves perfectly, she felt like she was going to pass out from how hard she had breathed. Octavia had opened the front door and entered the car before Lexa had a chance to get out and open the door for them. Raven had done the same, but Clarke had waited until Lexa managed to make it to her side to open the door for her.

“Wow. You look…wow.” Clarke licked her lips and her eyes perused Lexa’s own appearance. She’d opted for a black cocktail dress with thin straps, her hair pulled to one side exposing her back. Seeing Clarke’s appreciative glances, she knew she’d chosen her attire well for the evening. “I’ve only ever seen you in suits technically, not counting your jeans that one time or your workout clothes the other night.”

“Hello, Clarke.” Lexa cleared her throat, more for trying to hide her blush in the setting sun.            

“Or naked the other night. That was a nice outfit, too.” Clarke walked up to her and ran her fingers lightly against the end of Lexa’s curls, briefly touching her skin where it was exposed on her shoulder. “I’m not sure which look I prefer; there’s no way I’d be able to choose because I like them all.”

“You look stunning.” Lexa cleared her throat again and steeled her jaw. They were in public, and she wasn’t sure what Clarke had told her friends about the other night.

“I mentioned you look wow?”

“You’re so articulate.” She smirked, unable to keep her eyes from scanning Clarke’s eyes.            

“And we’re going to be so late.” Raven moved over to the side where the door was waiting open for Clarke to enter, obviously not caring about rumpling her own dress. “Get your asses in this car and stop eye-fucking each other. We know you’ve seen each other naked now, but that doesn’t give you reason to hold us up.”

“They know?” Lexa didn’t know why she was surprised. From her understanding, Clarke was very close with her friends. Still, that didn’t make her feel any less uncomfortable knowing she would have to sit in an enclosed space with Clarke’s friends. Embarrassment was not something Lexa felt often, but she very much felt it in that moment.

“My friends have a way of getting things out of me, no matter how private.” Clarke placed her hand on Lexa’s bare arm, where her tribal tattoo was on display, reminding Lexa of how the other woman traced the patterns with her fingers the other night.

“Uh…you had the ultimate walk of shame because we were pretty sure you came home with us that night but you walked in the next morning like you’d been out all night.” Octavia peeked her head out of the front passenger window, and Lexa didn’t even see it being rolled down.

“Plus, you were more relaxed and couldn’t stop smiling, so either you’d been fast tracked through your entire residency because you’re a kickass surgeon and they had nothing else to teach you, or you and Lexa finally fucked.” Raven didn’t have to be so crass about it, but Lexa couldn’t deny that’s exactly what had happened. She had barely been able to keep her own demeanor neutral as was surprised nobody had called her on it lately.

“Do you have to be so vulgar about it?” Clarke rolled her eyes and looked over at Lexa again, entwining their hands and squeezing before making her way to get into the car. She smoothed her dress as she scooted across with Raven, leaving room for Lexa to get in behind her.

“Yes, get in the car. There’s plenty of time for private activities later.” Raven shoulder bumped Clarke, who gave her a seemingly dirty look; one Lexa was sure happened more often than not between those two. The car ride was thankfully only filled with small talk about the fundraiser. Lexa had to take deep breaths and steel her jaw even more as she felt Clarke’s body pressed next to hers. They were so close now, but she couldn’t do anything about it, and it was maddening.

When they entered the place, Lexa actually let out a sigh of relief when she noticed the turnout. She wasn’t sure what to expect, considering Coalition wasn’t providing the entertainment, though Lexa had secretly convinced two or three of her smaller solo acts to make an appearance unannounced and to blow it up on social media. While she didn’t exactly pass the idea by Clarke, Lexa could tell she didn’t mind when various patrons of the party were making their way for selfies with the surprise celebrities. Well, she didn’t seem to mind, but she did give her a few knowing glances and eyerolls. Lexa couldn’t help it; it was good for business. And it wasn’t like it hurt the fundraiser; if anything, it probably brought in more donations and patrons once they made their way to the seven hour long event.

Since Mount Weather High’s various art programs were responsible for the festivities, Lexa wasn’t sure what to expect. Clarke had assured her that the programs were good and that the students were talented, but Lexa still worried. This was her idea to have the students show off their talents, so she was extra nervous of this night going well. She wouldn’t pretend like part of that wasn’t to impress Clarke.

She had to keep herself from pulling Clarke back to the car or to the bathroom or to a darkened hallways somewhere. The way Clarke looked tonight was beyond anything, the blue of her dress accenting her eyes and the way her smile fully reached her entire body. Clarke was happy, and that made Lexa happy.

While the jazz band made their way to the stage, Lexa looked over to where Clarke was dancing with some young man with floppy hair. He was unfamiliar and clearly not a high school student, so he must’ve been one of the teachers at Mount Weather. Clarke seemed to know him, as her body posture appeared closer to him than any of the other people throughout the night. When she touched his arm and smiled at him as they danced and talked, Lexa felt her insides drop. Clarke obviously knew this man well and wasn’t afraid to be handsy with him. Lexa didn’t want to know what that meant, so she just excused herself and went to retrieve more water for herself; she felt her throat choke a little.

“Hey, come dance with me?” Clarke appeared beside her, and Lexa looked up to the ceiling and tried not to roll her eyes. She silently prayed that she wouldn’t make an ass out of herself when she talked.

“I’m not much for dancing.” She gripped the plastic cup in her hand and swallowed heavier than intended.

“I call bullshit. I know your moves, Lexa Wood. Nobody who can move their body like that in bed is bad at dancing.” Clarke was biting her lip and obviously appraising her body again; she’d done so several times throughout the night. It was part of the reason it was difficult not to just give in and whisk Clarke to find a darkened hallway.

“I didn’t say I was bad at it; just not much for it.” She cleared her throat, trying not to seem so affected as she noticed her previous dance partner pulling Octavia on the dance floor. “Did you tire of your friend?”

“Who, Bellamy?” Clarke looked to where Lexa knew she was glaring. She couldn’t help it; she wasn’t happy about how comfortable he was with Clarke. It was obvious he liked her, though Clarke’s intentions were harder to read. “Oh.”

“Oh? Yes, he’s dancing with Octavia.”

“No, I mean ‘oh,’ as in ‘I see.’” Clarke moved forward until she removed Lexa’s cup from her hand and placed it on the table. She pulled Lexa to the dance floor, and at least it was a slower song. Lexa vaguely remembered it as one of the Gershwin tunes her father would play on the weekends when she was younger. It was probably the last time she’d heard the song.

Clarke folded Lexa’s left hand on her lower back, wrapping her own behind Lexa’s shoulder, and entwining their free hands together. She pushed her hips forward to force Lexa to start moving, which she obliged. After a beat or two, Lexa took control and pulled Clarke’s body closer to her, loving the feel of the silky material against her palm. It took a lot of effort to control her breathing as they swayed along the dance floor. They just stared at each other, neither saying a word, just letting their bodies move together seamlessly. Just as she thought Clarke was about to lean into her for a kiss on this very public dance floor, Lexa felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Mind if I cut in?” Octavia’s eyebrow was arched, and Lexa could only nod. She had honestly probably saved them from themselves, which she suspected was the reason for the interruption. Clarke went along with Octavia, mouthing an apology to her as she left Lexa standing there.

She was just about to make her way back to the refreshment table for more water when she felt another hand on her back. What was it with people not abiding by personal space laws today?

“Looks like you’re down a partner.” Raven didn’t give Lexa a chance to respond before she mimicked Clarke’s movements from earlier and forced Lexa to dance with her. It was different dancing with Raven, though; not because of the brace on her leg so much as she was more complicated to lead, like she was fighting for dominance in a simple slow dance. “Look, I get you like Clarke. She likes you, too. Yeah, you two finally got your frustrations out but don’t you fucking dare hurt her or I will end you.”

“I don’t have any intention of hurting Clarke.” Lexa flexed her jaw muscles and tried to control her anger at the insinuation.

“Yeah, well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Raven’s laugh was not entirely joyful; it was almost threatening in a way. Lexa knew she tensed because Raven actually ran her hand along her back and relaxed her own tense posture. “Look, I love Clarke, and she’s been through a lot of shit. It was like pulling teeth to get her to admit she wanted you, so I’m just saying be patient with her. She’s worth it.”

“I tend to think so, too.” Lexa didn’t break eye contact with the other woman. Raven’s eyes narrowed in response, as though she were trying to read her. There really wasn’t anything for Lexa to hide from her, so she just kept her eyes trained on the woman swaying with her. She much preferred the intimate sway she had with Clarke much earlier, but Lexa could definitely respect Raven for what she was attempting to do. If Anya knew about them, she would probably be doing the same to Clarke.

“Good. We’re on the same page, then. Best friend death threat accomplished.” Raven leaned up and kissed Lexa’s cheek when the song ended, bouncing back over to her friends. Lexa could only scowl in response because these two really didn’t understand personal boundaries.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the evening was lovely, and they had managed a successful campaign. The parents and adults who had shown up praised Lexa for getting her artists to come out and support the cause, especially since “they’re my kids’ favorites” and “you made the kids’ days with that.” Still, it was business; nothing else. It didn’t take much convincing to get her artists to do that; she was technically their leader after all, and they’d signed a contract of loyalty that included things to help their image and Coalition’s image. Lexa may have been the CEO of the company, but she wasn’t the face most people recognized, and she was okay with that.

Octavia and Raven had left earlier with Bellamy, leaving Clarke and Lexa to finalize anything they needed with the venue. They were only about an hour behind them.

They sat on opposite sides of the car, as though there was a huge invisible barrier between them. It didn’t exactly make sense because they were finally alone in the darkened Lincoln towncar, and the windows were tinted in the back so it wasn’t like people would see them other than her driver if they did happen to fall into each other. He had seen worse; that was for sure.

When they parked in front of the apartment, though, it was like a switch had been turned because Clarke practically devoured the space as she pushed herself onto Lexa, melding their lips together and gripping her shoulders like she was afraid she wasn’t there.

“I don’t know where we stand after last week, but I just couldn’t not do that tonight. You look and smell and feel amazing.” Clarke licked her lips, her eyes still shut, obviously relishing in their kisses. When she opened her eyes again, she was still gripping onto Lexa. “Walk me upstairs?”

Clarke’s invite was clear, as she kept her hands moving lower along Lexa’s body. There was no way she’d pass up the opportunity; not when she knew what was waiting beneath that silky blue dress. Clarke pulls her in for another kiss, deeper than the last, and pulls Lexa from the car. Their hands stay on each other’s bodies as they walk up the stairs and practically crash into the apartment.

Lexa wasn’t sure, but she was pretty sure they ran into and knocked over a lamp in the process. She didn’t care, though, as Clarke began to run kisses along her neck, her lips burning the skin as she went and moved her hands to lower the straps on Lexa’s shoulders for better access.

“Holy shit, my eyes!” Octavia was suddenly standing there, half-dressed herself, next to Raven who held a worn Louisville slugger like she was about to swing without warning. Clarke was actually the first to jolt back from being caught. Lexa just glared and righted the straps on her dress.

“Shit, Clarke! I thought we were getting robbed.” Raven lowered her bat, but instead of leaving, she just cocked her head to the side and stared at them. Lexa shifted lightly and moved away from Clarke a bit.

“Clearly we’re not. Let’s give them some privacy.” Octavia touched Raven’s forearm, obviously trying to get her to move despite her not budging. They really were an odd couple, and Lexa had the hardest time reading them because she was pretty sure Clarke had mentioned Octavia had started dating someone at Coalition after meeting him while waiting on her in the lobby one night. She was also pretty sure Octavia had her own room, but she’d only ever seen or heard her in Raven’s room. Then again, they didn’t exactly understand personal bubbles, so it wasn’t that surprising.

“I think the moment’s ruined but thanks for the sentiment.” Clarke let out a frustrated huff, which only made Lexa smile lightly because she understood completely.

“I should go, actually. I have a big meeting tomorrow with the shareholders; they’ll want to know about tonight’s success.” Lexa tried not to be bothered by the fact that the other two women were standing right there, or that Raven had given her the best friend speech merely hours ago.

“You don’t have to. Stay.” Clarke’s words echoed and brought back images of when the blonde had decided to stay the other night. It was quite tempting, but Lexa wasn’t exactly sure she would be able to control herself around Clarke, especially if they had a repeat of the other night, which she would very much like to happen. Having Clarke’s two roommates on the other side of the wall while she had her hands all around and inside Clarke was not exactly on Lexa’s list of things to do. It was too much like having an audience; it was different before they’d made their appearance known. It would have been easier to ignore the fact that others were in the apartment, but now she couldn’t. Now the mood really was ruined. Okay, so just slightly. Looking at Clarke in that dress, Lexa wasn’t sure if she wouldn’t just give in. Clarke was quite tempting.

“Yeah, stay. Don’t leave on our account. We have earplugs and headphones. Clarke’s not loud during sex, but we can still put in headphones if that’d make you feel more comfortable.” Octavia pulls at Raven’s arm again, but still the woman didn’t budge. Lexa smirks because Clarke wasn’t exactly quiet the other night, and Clarke just gives her a knowing, warning smirk back.

“It was a lovely evening, and your students are wonderful. I hope that our plans succeed. Your people are my people now, and I want to see them thrive.” Lexa meant that, too. The students she had met tonight were quite talented. Was she going to sign them? Not by any means, but they were definitely passionate and loved what they did. That was enough for her to want to protect them even more now.

“Let me walk you to the door.” Clarke must’ve sensed that there was no way to talk Lexa into staying. However, the thought crossed her mind as Clarke placed her hand along Lexa’s back again that she should ask her to just come home with her; where they’d have all the privacy in the world and Clarke could be as loud as she wanted.

“It’s literally ten feet behind you, Clarke. I doubt she needs to be walked to it.” Raven picked up the bat and propped it on her shoulder, raising her eyebrow in a weird mixture of what Lexa read as threatening and amused.

“Not the point, dumbass. Come on. Let’s give them a moment. Again, if you want to stay, we won’t mind. You’re welcome to. Any time.” Octavia attempted to push Raven again, and this time it worked. They disappeared down the hallway as Lexa just nodded her response.

“Do you really need to leave?” Clarke moved her body until she was wrapping her arms around Lexa’s neck, pulling her closer. She was obviously trying to stall her or make her give in. Lexa wasn’t entirely positive it wasn’t working, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to pleasure Clarke completely knowing her roommates were there. At least she knew some personal boundaries.

“Thank you for the invite, but I really should. I haven’t exactly been sleeping well lately. Too much on my mind.” She did smirk lightly, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulling her closer. Just because the mood was ruined didn’t mean it ruined the night, and she did want to give her a good night.

“If I’m part of that, I’m sorry for keeping you up.”

“Well, you’re possibly the only solace for me right now.” She didn’t mean to sound so serious, but it was sometimes hard to keep her defenses up around Clarke. The woman pulled something out of her that she wasn’t used to showing. If it had been anyone else, Lexa didn’t think she’d even allow herself to get to that point. She’d fought it long enough, and she was tired. “Perhaps after the schoolboard meeting, once we finish everything, maybe we can go somewhere. Away for a weekend.”

“I always have work, too, you know that.”

“Perhaps you will change your mind.”

“You already have.” Clarke leaned up the slight difference and placed a slow, warm kiss against her lips. Lexa just sighed into it, not willing to let go yet when they parted. “We can talk about this more later. Text me to let me know you made it home?”

“Of course.”

“And…maybe we can do something this week? Before the meeting? Possibly not even related to business or politics?”

“Why, Clarke Griffin, I think you just asked me out on a date.”

“Yeah, well, after you asked me to vacation with you, so I’d say you technically asked first. Mine is just more practical and means I’ll get to see you sooner.” Clarke pushed her hips into Lexa’s. She had to clench her thighs together to keep her arousal tamed.

“I accept your negotiation.”

“Good. Then, text me when you get home, and we can make a plan.”

“Deal.” Before Lexa moved out of the embrace, she pressed one last kiss on Clarke’s lips before shaking her hand. Clarke just chuckled but shook her hand anyways.

“Are you ever not in boss mode?” She leaned against the door as Lexa walked out into the hallway. It was safer out here; less tempting to give in, no matter how much she really wanted to.

“Depends. You seemed to like it the other night.”

“Well, I gave as good as you, so I’d say we’re equals.”

Instead of turning and leaving it there, Lexa moves back into the doorframe and pulls Clarke into another heated kiss. The sounds of the two girls in the other room alert her to why she’s leaving, but she can’t for the likes of her figure out why she’s not just whisking Clarke downstairs and to her place in that moment.

“ _Reshop, Heda_.” The breathy greeting took her by surprise as they parted again. Clarke was calling the shots, and if she said good night, then that was that.

“Good night, Clarke.” Lexa definitely was starting to like that nickname now, though, especially when Clarke said it like that.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I give my heart to you, I must be sure from the very start that you would love me more than her" -"If I Fell," Beatles

Chapter Eight

 

“Cause everybody’s got their way I should feel.”

-“Be Be Your Love,” Rachel Yamagata

 

* * *

 

After copious amounts of teasing this week from her friends, Clarke was finally getting to take Lexa out on a date. She was the one who asked her out, after all, so it was only fitting that she plan the date. Plan was such a subjective term in this case, though, because all Clarke wanted to do was find a way to quickly get through the date so they could get to the end of it. Not because she wanted the date to end but rather because she wanted the date to continue well into the night and morning.

It seemed to take all of Clarke’s willpower not to just show on Lexa’s doorstep randomly. The constant ache between her legs and the soft hum of her body only amplified whenever she would remember what happened the last time she had just shown up. Lexa had even hinted in her texts several times that Titus had retreated for the night and that she planned on staying up late. It wasn’t so much those facts she relayed, because they could have been innocent considering Lexa was usually all business, but rather the pics she sent of her workout clothes laying on the bed. Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle when she realized Lexa wasn’t exactly subtle.

In the end, Clarke had decided to do something big for their date. After all, if it weren’t for their work serving as a mediator, they would have technically been dating for three months at this point. That realization was huge for Clarke because that meant it was the longest relationship she had ever been in, and that didn’t actually scare her for once. There was just something about being with Lexa, around Lexa, that made her feel special. Like she was being treated as an equal. It was such an odd feeling when she realized even further that she never really had been before. Everybody always wanted something from her but were also quick to criticize her if she did something wrong. Lexa actually listened to her and was patient with her and challenged Clarke in a way that made her better and smarter. She had noticed it in her work, too, as her precisions during surgeries and diagnoses were more on point than when she’d started. Sure, that could’ve been because she had worked hard to get to that point, but Clarke wasn’t naïve enough to realize that Lexa gave her a confidence she wasn’t aware she was even lacking.

Plus, she was sexy and an amazing kisser.

Even if she tried to fight it, Clarke had found herself falling for Lexa all these months. She wasn’t afraid of that anymore, though, and she wanted Lexa to know that, too. Hence the need for a big grand gesture with the date tonight.

The late fall weather was starting to hit New York hard, which did limit their outdoor activities, but Clarke had a few other options. First, she thought about going to a big concert but realized quickly that it would be silly to buy concert tickets to take out the CEO of one of the biggest record companies. Next, she remembered Lexa mentioning she had never been to a hockey game but that she used to love watching them on TV with her uncle, who was obsessed with the New York Islanders, though Clarke just scoffed at such a ridiculous team loyalty. Clarke was Rangers through and through; her father had raised her right. Unfortunately, neither team was playing this week, and she didn’t want to wait until next week for their date.

Clarke could admit she was overly antsy and upset that they had to wait a full week after the fundraiser to even find a time to meet. They hadn’t been able to fall into each other since she’d shown up on her doorstep unannounced over two weeks ago, and their heated encounters that kept getting blocked by Raven and Octavia during and after the fundraiser had only amplified her need. They’d only had sex once, but it had been so fumblingly intimate and fulfilling that Clarke found herself desperate for another taste.

After too much deliberation and no help from her friends, Clarke finally came up with a plan. It wasn’t as big as she probably would have hoped, considering she had to make panicked last minute plans last night because her last few shifts had barely allowed her time to breathe. Still, she was happy with her plan because it was going to be theirs.

Clarke had insisted Lexa wear something more casual date-like, including sneakers, though that was more because Clarke wanted to know if the other woman actually owned sneakers that weren’t runners. Following her own advice, Clarke had pulled on her favorite grey skinny jeans, V-neck royal blue tshirt, and her blue quilted jacket. Octavia was already out on her own date for the evening, of whom she finally revealed his name was Lincoln, and Raven had stayed late after work, claiming she wanted to give O some privacy if she brought Lincoln home with her. It was funny how neither of them made the offer to give her and Lexa any real privacy last week when they’d been caught making out in the living room. It wasn’t that she’d never had sex with her roommates on the other side of the wall, but they were right, she was quiet during sex, and she knew from the buildup and anticipation that night (and from her previous experience with Lexa) that she was in no way going to be able to control herself from making those loud noises of pleasure. Even if she tried to fight them, knowing her friends were on the other side of the wall, Clarke had a feeling she would be so loud that even earphones wouldn’t muffle her cries and moans.

Clarke Griffin was definitely, truly fucked, in several regards, and that thought actually made her smile as she grabbed her purse and made her way to catch a cab over to Lexa’s condo building.

When she arrived, the doorman only tipped his hat and turned the key so she could get onto Lexa’s floor. She didn’t have to text ahead of time because she knew Lexa would be ready to leave at 6:30pm on the dot, and it was 6:35 when Clarke checked her phone while getting on the elevator to let her know she was on her way up. The thought that she was just a little bit late and that Lexa would be there waiting on her excited Clarke, and she had to clench herself to relieve some tension.

As she raised her hand to ring the bell, Clarke was only slightly terrified that Titus would answer the door. He always seemed to be lurking there, which was a major reason why Clarke hadn’t just thrown herself into Lexa’s arms and begged her to take her to her place last week. He was always lurking and ostracizing Clarke. At least Lexa was always quick to defend her when he did, so she felt comfort in the small victories.

Luckily, Titus did not answer the door. Instead, it was Lexa, who honestly managed to make black jeans and a long sleeve gray marled tshirt look like they were invented to be worn by her. Her hair was pulled to one side over her shoulder again, the long brown waves cascading across her neck and chest. Clarke heard herself audibly gasp, her legs restless and desperate but unable to move. Lexa responded by biting her lip and opening her door further.

“Clarke.” Lexa’s let out an audible sigh through her nose as she stepped aside to let Clarke walk inside the condo.

“Hey, you _do_ own sneakers.” She looked down to notice the bright red Chuck Taylors, the only color splashed on Lexa’s otherwise grayscale outfit.

“Funny.” Lexa cleared her throat before making her way over to her couch, where her black leather jacket was neatly strewn across the back cushions. Even though they had places to be and things to see, Clarke couldn’t help herself anymore. She was this near to her and couldn’t keep from closing the distance between them before Lexa had a chance to grab her jacket. “What…”

“Just…” Clarke acted on instinct and let her need take over, wrapping her hands behind Lexa’s neck and pulling her into a harsh kiss. She didn’t give either one of them time to think as they continued pulling at each other, lips crashing together with hot, heavy breaths, as Clarke pushed Lexa back until she had her trapped with her back against the wall. When her hands started to roam under Lexa’s top, the other woman pulled back and placed her own hands to keep Clarke from moving forward. She stopped immediately, her entire body thrumming and confused at the sudden stop.

“I believe you asked me out on a date, Clarke. While I know you are quite adamant on keeping your plans a secret, I’m almost certain they didn’t entirely consist of staying here and fucking all night.” Lexa cleared her throat but didn’t move from her position, still trapped between Clarke’s body and the wall. “Not that I would be opposed to those plans, by any means, I’d like to note.”

“Not all night; just most of it.” Clarke found that bout of confidence returning to her. Lexa was right. This was technically their first real date, so they should probably hold off on the hormonal responses just yet. “We should leave now then, before I change my plans to _all_ night, though.”

“Lead the way.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“Did you just ask me if you could hold my hand?”

“Yes?” Clarke bit her lip and winced slightly, thinking that was probably more awkward than she intended. She should’ve just gone for it without asking.

“You’re too cute.” Lexa pushed her hand into Clarke’s and moved them towards the door finally, grabbing her keys and locking the door on the way out. That meant Titus had already retired for the night, and Clarke was definitely thinking of changing her plans and just turning around and dragging Lexa back inside. They were already on the elevator and descending, though, by the time everything registered with her.

During the date, Clarke’s suspicions were correct. Lexa had grown up in this life of privilege and nobody had ever taken her on a cliché date before. It was her first dinner and a movie experience, and while Clarke knew it wasn’t exactly original, it actually was in this case so she patted herself on the back for not going overboard. During dinner, Clarke revealed her date plans with Lexa, who proceeded to tell her that everyone she dated, including Costia, had always tried too hard to impress her. Sure, they had hung out and went to dinner and had seen movies together, but they were always fancy overly lavish restaurants and press-heavy movie release events.

If she didn’t know better, Clarke could’ve sworn she saw Lexa tear up a little when she explained she appreciated how much thought she put into _not_ trying to impress her. Of course she didn’t tell her that she had put thought into it, but that she’d never intended to try and impress her.

“I just wanted to be with you. Spend time with you. Just us. I hope that’s okay?”

“It’s more than okay, Clarke.” Lexa always said her name with such reverence and conviction. “And I’m already impressed by you, Clarke. You wouldn’t have had to try very hard anyways.”

“Good to know.”

Since they ate at Katz’s Delicatessan, Clarke couldn’t help but point out the _When Harry Met Sally_ sign because she’d loved that movie growing up; it was one thing she and her mother agreed on. Lexa mentioned she’d never seen it, but that she knew the place was used in a lot of films, like _Across the Universe_. Of course she would know things about a Beatles-inspired movie but not a romantic comedy. This prompted conversation about favorite films, and Clarke made a note that on a future date, she would make Lexa watch _When Harry Met Sally_ but that she would most definitely not be faking her orgasm like Sally demonstrated in the Katz scene.

Clarke also learned that Lexa had never done many clichéd tourist New Yorker things, either, despite growing up here her entire life. She made a mental note that on a future date, she would drag Lexa to the top of the Empire State Building and kiss her thoroughly, with the skyline surrounding them and the building’s tower hovering over them like a burning flame.

Clarke found she had romantic and romantic comedy films on her mind, and she had to stop herself from overly romanticizing her relationship with Lexa. Logically, she knew that’s not how the real world worked, but she couldn’t help but feel like they were living proof of the exception right then and there. After all, they’d met and hated each other before they were thrown together and became closer and closer until they reached that point. If that wasn’t the recipe for a cheesy rom-com, then Clarke wasn’t watching the right ones. What the movies don’t tell you is how good it feels to reach that point but just how scary it is to be that vulnerable and intimate with someone at the same time. Seeing Lexa smiling at her, Clarke decided she didn’t care about any of that or any romanticized or mediated ideal of what love meant because she was falling for a real person. A really complicated person that just had to look at her to make everything okay and worth it.

The movie wasn’t good. Clarke had picked an old classic film, remembering that Lexa had also mentioned loving to watch old films with her uncle. However, Clarke was never a fan of older films, so she had a hard time following along. Honestly, she was more of a fan of action films and gangster films because she had grown up watching them with her father. She was glad to see that Lexa didn’t enjoy the film, either, so she had allowed her to hold her hand throughout and steal a few kisses here and there after observing to make sure no one was paying attention. Clarke was actually surprised at just how affectionate Lexa was outside in public, but she didn’t mind it at all or want to bring attention to it, just in case she stopped.

Since Lexa had a driver most of her life, Clarke also made her take the subway back to her place. They only had to walk a few blocks from the closest station to get back to her place, but it felt like an excruciatingly long time. She had a newfound appreciation for Lexa’s Lincoln towncar now because they could have sneaked several kisses on the way back, too.

They didn’t say anything on the way up the elevator, both casting shy glances towards one another. When they got to Lexa’s door, Clarke held her hand to keep her from unlocking it. There was something she needed to do for her that would make this the ultimate cliché date before they went inside and gave in to one another.

“Wait, I had a good time tonight.” She squeezed her hand and bit her lip to keep herself calm.

“Me, too, Clarke.” Lexa just smiled lightly at her, though her eyes and furrowed brow relayed her obvious question about why she stopped her opening the door.

“I…I would like to see you again soon. If that’s okay?” Clarke cleared her throat, hoping that didn’t sound as weird as she thought.

“Are you asking me on a second date?” Lexa’s face shifted back to her stoic persona, but her eyes seemed to sparkle. Clarke always thought that was a myth, but Lexa’s bright green eyes were dark and heavily dilated, and the light from the hallway made them look like they actually sparkled.

“Yes. And a third. And a fourth. And however many we get to until you decide you’re tired of me.” She chuckled, moving closer to Lexa and wrapping her arms around her neck, pulling her close.

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Lexa responded in kind by wrapping her arms around Clarke’s lower back, pulling her even closer.

“Never say never. You haven’t seen my bedhead yet.”

Lexa cleared her throat before shifting back from the embrace and placing her keys in the door. She didn’t turn the key and instead turned to look at Clarke, as though she were asking permission. “Well, would you like to…come in?”

“I would love to.” And come in she did.

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa was torn. At least she was on the inside; she had been trained for years to make sure her external always remained neutral. But it seemed like her insides were on fire, like she couldn’t seem to control how much her body was alert and aware at every synapsis. If she wasn’t masking her inner thoughts, nobody had said anything otherwise.

Well, everybody but Titus, who was quite vocal about his dislike that Clarke had been joining her at breakfast quite often the past week and a half. To be fair, Clarke could have put on more than Lexa’s discarded dress shirt from the night before, which was barely buttoned up, before making her presence known to him in the kitchen. Not that Lexa minded because the after breakfast sex before they both left for work was definitely noteworthy that morning.

The problem was that Lexa was starting to doubt everything she’d been taught by her uncle and her caretakers. Titus and Indra meant well, but they were more concerned with her staying logical and levelheaded, knowing how hard it was for her being both young and a woman running a multi-billion dollar company. One wrong move, one indication that she was weak, and she would be criticized and potentially ostracized by her shareholders. They already didn’t trust her completely because her ideas were often radical. As long as she made them money, they didn’t seem to question her, though. And no matter how radical her ideas, they definitely made them money. However, she sensed a stirring among the shareholders. She tried to suppress her anger upon discovering that there was a coup being prepared, just waiting for the right moment to strike, but she had no proof. Not yet anyway, even if she did know it was Nia Azgeda, one of the shareholders from whom she bought out to create Coalition. They’d always clashed with their ideas on how to lead, but Nia had to go along with her rule because she was the CEO. It seemed that she had been scheming behind her back, and when Lexa finally realized that, when she’d connected the dots, it was almost too late to start preparing counter measures. She had to be extremely careful with her next moves right now because even though she was CEO and held the majority share, one wrong move and her entire empire could implode, destroying everything she worked for and her father’s legacy.

That’s why Lexa was so torn. She was starting to understand that part of her father’s songs that never truly resonated with her, and that bothered her slightly. The fact that she was going against what she was taught and the fact that she was only just now understanding her father’s words. While she knew they were good, she never truly understand why he was so revered as one of the best love song writers of his generation. Harlan Woods had been amazing at creating things about love, but he was not good at running a business. If he hadn’t passed, Lexa couldn’t help but wonder what her life would have been like instead of this. She couldn’t think such things, though, because she honestly loved her life. Even if she missed out on normal, clichéd teenager and college things, she was grateful for everything. That’s why she was so fiercely loyal to Gustus and rarely yelled at Titus or Indra for constantly teaching her despite her being a grown woman and their superior. She respected them because even at a young age, they had respected her and trusted her to make the right choices for the company.

The _reason_ she was torn was supposed to be on her way to her condo now. Clarke was finishing a really long shift and had texted to let her know she was on her way right after she showered and packed up at the hospital. Lexa offered to have her driver pick her up but Clarke insisted she wanted to take the subway. That meant that Clarke must have had a particularly bad surgery today because she only ever rode the subway when something went wrong; she said that the subway was so alive with people that it was comforting after the death and tragedy she had to see every day.

As she walked through the door to her condo, smelling the dinner Titus had prepared for her and Clarke that evening (despite his many protests), Lexa was surprised to find her cousin sitting at her kitchen island, talking to Titus as he stirred something Lexa hoped was gnocchi. It smelled like his specialty, which he only made when he was upset about something. If Clarke had a bad day, then she would at least be happy to find Titus’s gnocchi, which she had mentioned she loved whenever they spent time at the condo during their meetings. Titus had been making gnocchi a lot more the past three months, Lexa noticed, and she knew that a large part of that was because he wasn’t Clarke’s biggest fan. It was rare that he cooked it for her, since she was on such a strict diet, but that’s the only reason he would have the big spoon thing he was using. Lexa didn’t know what it was called; she’d never really bothered with learning to cook beyond pouring a bowl of cereal and burning grilled cheese.

“Anya.” She greeted her as she placed her briefcase down so she could remove her many layers. The New York winter weather was starting to peak through the late fall, which meant that Thanksgiving week this year would not only be crowded as usual but also most likely freezing.

“Lexa.” Her cousin stood from her stool, arching an eyebrow and holding an awkward smirk across her face. “I came over to show you something in person, to ask you some questions, but it seems Titus here confirmed some things for me already. I hear you’ve had a late night visitor a few times this past week?”

“Yes, but I do not see how that warrants your concerned expression.”

“Clarke Griffin, huh?” Anya fiddled with something on her phone for a bit before walking over to Lexa. “I would’ve missed this completely, but my assistant happened to be looking up something for me about a client, and she came across this rather…interesting photo and snippet in the Music World Weekly rumor mill column.”

“Okay.” Lexa looked at the phone image that Anya pulled up, taking it from her to read the small snippet. It wasn’t exactly a bad thing; it was just of her and Clarke at the fundraiser a few weeks ago. The snippet read, “Coalition Records CEO Lexa Woods seen spotted about the city carousing with senator’s daughter.” It wasn’t exactly untrue, and the picture was flattering. She wasn’t sure “carousing” was a good word for it because that implied they went out drinking a lot, which they most definitely did not. This wasn’t the first time she’d been in the rumor sections for her dating, so this wasn’t exactly a surprise. After all, they weren’t just rumors since they were actually true now that she and Clarke actually were dating. She felt like she should be more defensive about this, but this could potentially look good for her with her shareholders. While that wasn’t her intentions with Clarke, with everything that was going on behind her back right now, Lexa had to admit it did look good to have her by her side. She only felt slightly guilty for realizing that. Which is why it was concerning that Anya, who was the one pushing her to date someone like Clarke, appeared concerned about the news.

“This just released this afternoon, so I knew you wouldn’t have seen it yet, and I didn’t want you to deny it so I rushed over after my last meeting.” Anya took back her phone, gripping it in her hand. “I thought you were just working together, that they actually were rumors, but imagine my surprise when Titus informed me that Miss Griffin has stayed over quite a bit lately and barely wears any clothes when she’s here.”

“I don’t see the problem.” Lexa felt her jaw stiffen and move from side to side, something she did often to keep from yelling at people. While this looked potentially good for her, Lexa found she was angry at people invading her privacy like this. It wasn’t anything new to either her or Clarke, but she liked everything fine the way it was without the press or shareholders or nosy cousins or loose-lipped caretakers. She would deal with Titus later. “I thought you of all people would be happy about this. It’s exactly what you and Gustus have been telling me to do for some time now.”

“Well, yes, I’m not mad about this. Clarke is attractive; I remember being the first to tell you so. But I honestly never would have thought it would come to this.” Anya chuckled lightly, but it was obvious she was not amused.

“Come to what?” Lexa cleared her throat and made her way to get a glass of water. Titus beat her to it, handing her a full glass without ice, just like she liked it. “Thank you, Titus.”

“Lexa, look at the picture again.” Anya moved forward and held up the phone to her again. Clarke really did look beautiful that night.

“What about it?” Lexa had to hide her expression behind her glass as she took a drink.

“The way you’re looking at her.”

“So? She’s pleasant to look at. Again, I don’t see the problem.”

“You love her.” Anya didn’t sound upset about that. She also didn’t sound pleased. Lexa kind of wished they did know how to express their emotions more because she realized she honestly wanted her family to approve of Clarke. Anya was the closest she had to a best friend, and it would bother her if she didn’t like someone Lexa was serious about.

“What?” Lexa used every trick she knew to keep from showing emotion on her face. This was almost reminiscent of those interventions Clarke made her watch on TV post-sex, even though Lexa had expressed her distaste for capitalizing on people’s misfortunes and personal struggles.

“You love this woman.” Anya put her phone on the island counter before moving closer to Lexa, getting a little closer than she would have liked.

“It’s true, Heda. I have voiced my concern with Gustus, but he says to trust you know what you’re doing. I worry that this is more serious than he knows.” Titus finished plating the dishes and placing them on the island for her. Clarke would be here soon, and Lexa did not want these two to be here when she arrived. She shouldn’t have to be placed in this uncomfortable situation.

“Look, Lexa, we’re not saying you can’t see Clarke. We just worry.” Anya let out a deep sigh then, and a bit of emotional concern crossed her face again. So, this wasn’t about dating Clarke; it was because she actually cared for her. Of course that wouldn’t do. Heaven forbid she actually like who she decides to date.

“No matter what I do I will never be able to escape what happened with Costia, will I?” Of course her mistakes with Costia would always haunt her. But Clarke wasn’t Costia. “What do I have to do to prove that I am more than capable of separating feelings from duty? I’m not my father.”

“We know that, Lexa. We just want you to think about what you’re doing.” Instead of moving to leave, Anya came closer and placed an arm against Lexa’s bicep. Lexa could only look down in response until her cousin removed her hand.

“You don’t think I’ve had trouble with this? It goes against everything you all have taught me. It goes against who I am and have built myself up being.” Lexa knew she was failing at keeping her mask now. This was not helping her case right now. Maybe they were right. Maybe Lexa was actually okay with that. “But I look at her and I just…couldn’t fight it anymore. Clarke’s special.”

“You really do love her.” Anya actually sounded surprised by this, even though she had accused her of this several times in the past five minutes already. “Huh.”

“She distracts you from your work. I have seen it too many times, even when she is not here. She’s making you look weak.” Titus moved from behind the counter, wiping his hands from where he had cleaned up the kitchen area where he cooked. Lexa knew she would just need to load the dirty plates and bowls in the sink later for him to finish tomorrow morning. “She gets nothing from this arrangement, yet everything you do elevates her. Why?”

“Clarke elevates herself.” Even though it was a strange way to explain it, Lexa felt that it was true. Clarke was already successful and smart and accomplished all on her own. She didn’t need Lexa’s status or money or access to succeed in life. Honestly, that’s part of the reason Lexa was so drawn to her. Not many people in her life to that point had approached her without at least wanting something. Okay, so their alliance was based on Clarke’s need for her connections, but the truth was that Clarke was just as connected through her mother. Clarke didn’t need her; not really, but Lexa was slowly starting to see that she needed Clarke. “She’s already successful and already has a promising political career should she follow her mother’s path. She doesn’t need me. We don’t need some ridiculous business deal to make ourselves look better to the public.”

“So, that’s it then. You’re going to let her distract you from everything you have worked so hard to achieve.” It wasn’t a question, and Titus was clearly condescending. He was perhaps the most vocal about his dislike of Lexa, but that was probably because he was the closest one to the situation since he saw them in more intimate and personal settings. Indra didn’t like it, either, but she held her tongue more often than not. It wasn’t entirely surprising that Titus had called Gustus with an update; she was surprised Anya didn’t already know.

“You call it distraction. I call it preservation. And if there’s nothing else, Titus, I give you leave for the evening. Thank you.” Lexa waited until he nodded and left, not protesting like he obviously wanted to. She turned back to Anya, prepared to tell her cousin to leave, too. So much for changing out of her work clothes before Clarke arrived for the evening.

“You know the shareholders won’t actually like this when they find out it’s for real. That you actually love this woman. I’m sorry, Lexa, but that’s not something that can be helped. I know you want everyone to forget about Costia, but your feelings lost the company a lot of money, and money is the only language these people understand. You know that.” She wasn’t wrong; it was a harsh reality of their situations. Anything that threatened their profits was worth dissent. Lexa would be lying if she hadn’t acted in a similar manner before; after all, that thinking was why she got into an argument with Clarke when they first met. It was why they were together at all now.

“I know, but I’m ready to fight back. I won’t repeat the same mistakes I once did. Clarke is different. She’s…”

“Yeah, yeah, special. I heard you the first time.” Anya chuckled lightly, and Lexa felt herself finally relax. It was easier to do when Titus wasn’t breathing down her neck. “Dad will want to have dinner soon. Don’t be surprised if he invites Clarke and her family.”

“I expect nothing less from him.”

“You’re sure about this? This is what you want? You’re prepared to go down this rabbit hole again?” Anya narrowed her eyes, like she was trying to read any doubt in her. Lexa knew she wouldn’t find any because she may be torn about everything, but she didn’t doubt her feelings for Clarke at all.

Lexa didn’t get a chance to respond as the doorbell rang, indicating that Clarke had finally arrived. She let out a deep sigh and felt herself relax further, not caring that Anya noticed. It felt good knowing Clarke was so close and would be for the rest of the night.

“You’re ridiculous. A lovesick idiot.” Anya just chuckled again lowly before she made her way to the door to open it. Lexa just watched her, suddenly feeling nervous that Clarke would finally meet her family in an official manner. It was a big step for them, and she wished she had more say in how it happened. That she had more control of the situation.

“Oh, hi.” Clarke’s smile seemed to drop instantly when she noticed it wasn’t her at the door. Lexa smiled slightly at how cute she was when she was disappointed, but she didn’t want her to feel that way for long so she made her way to the door to greet her.

“Clarke Griffin, I’d like you to meet my cousin.” Lexa gripped the door to open it wider, moving Anya to the side and gesturing for Clarke to enter. “Anya Woods, Dr. Clarke Griffin.”

“Nice to meet you. I’d say finally, but I have only heard bits and pieces about you from Lexa.” Clarke held out her hand and Anya eyed it before taking it slowly. “I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone, so you’ll have to forgive my scrubs. I just came from the hospital.”

“I’m sure tonight was clothing optional, so I’d say you’re dressed appropriately for now. Don’t let me keep you from your evening.” Anya moved to allow Clarke to walk inside before she grabbed her own jacket and briefcase from the doorway coatrack. “I’m off, but expect a phone call soon to talk about this more, Lexa.”

“Of course.” Lexa watched her cousin get into the elevator before she moved to close and lock the door, finding Clarke standing by the kitchen counter and looking like she might pass out. She was holding Lexa’s discarded water glass in front of her face, like she wanted to take a drink but like it was also the hardest thing to do in that moment. “Everything okay?”

“So, that could have been more awkward, I suppose. I expected to meet your family eventually, I just thought it would under some strict family dinner code or something like what you talk about.” Clarke’s body physically relaxed as Lexa placed her arms around her and kissed her lips lightly in greeting. “Hello.”

“Hello.”

“So, that was your cousin Anya. The one who wants to pimp you out.”

“It’s not like that, Clarke.”

“I know. I’m just teasing.” She laid the glass back on the counter before turning in her embrace to wrap her own arms around Lexa’s neck. Clarke pulled her in for another kiss, and Lexa happily submitted to the request.

“There is…I mean, something did happen today, which was why she came to visit without warning.”

“I thought that was my thing. Just showing up on your doorstep.” Clarke smiled against her lips before leaning in to kiss her quickly one last time. She let go of Lexa and moved to grab a glass from her cupboard, moving around the kitchen like she was in her own home. She hadn’t had to ask Lexa where anything was the past two times she had been over, and Lexa honestly loved the way it felt to see Clarke so comfortable in her space.

“Trust me. I like when you do it better.”

“So, what happened? You look tense.” Clarke proceeded to take a large drink from her glass, her throat visibly moving as she drank the water. Lexa realized just how exhausted the other woman looked and decided she wouldn’t try to do anything sexual tonight because Clarke clearly just needed to rest. They would have plenty of time for sex later.

“Apparently, we have made the rumor mills online regarding our dating status. Anya came by to show me and Titus confirmed before I had a chance to deny anything.” Lexa laughed lightly before her eyes widened, realizing how that probably sounded. “Not that I would have. I’m happy to be dating you. It’s not a secret.”

“I’m surprised it’s not been out there already, since we’ve been sort of going ‘out’ for months now. I’m sure my mother’s campaign manager knows about this already.” Clarke’s smile was genuine, and that was calming. Lexa figured Clarke already had her fair share of publicity, so it was nice to have somebody who understand that was part of being someone of importance. “At least tell me the picture was flattering.”

“You looked amazing. Quite flattering indeed.” Lexa smiled, thinking back to the picture Anya had shown her. Clarke really did look beautiful that night. Even in her scrubs, with her hair pulled up and back, the stray blonde tendril sneaking out of her hairtie and framing her neck and face, Clarke was beautiful. Lexa bit her lip and looked down to the kitchen island, seeing the two plates of food there, knowing it would be cold by now but not caring.

“Ugh. Is this Titus’s gnocchi? I may not get along with him, but it’s moments like this when I tolerate him much more.” Clarke went to the drawer to pull out two forks before not even bothering to take the plate to the table or to sit down. She started eating it where she stood in the kitchen.

“Long day?”

“The longest.”

“You look tired.”

“I am.”

“Well, how about we eat and then take a bath? I believe you’ve been hinting that you wish you had more time to partake in that Jacuzzi tub in my ensuite.” Lexa knew she should not think like a hormonal teenager, but the thought of at least not touching Clarke’s naked body tonight was like torture to her. She could control her urges to pounce; she had years of practice in control. That didn’t mean she couldn’t help Clarke relax and soak up the rewards, literally since they would be in a bath together. Mentally, Lexa started counting how many candles she had around her tub and how long it would take to light them.

“Lexa Woods, if I wasn’t already completely yours, I think you would’ve convinced me just now.” Clarke’s arched eyebrow showed how playful she was being, but her tiredness was still evident in her voice. Moreso, her eyes showed how serious she actually was despite her jesting tone. Lexa felt herself swallow hard as her pulse quickened and her body flushed.            

“Completely yours?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do.”

It was the first time since their first date that they didn’t have sex whenever Clarke came over, and it was one of the best nights of her life as they just relaxed in the hot bubbles and lounged on the bed watching Netflix on Clarke’s tablet. She didn't even complain when Clarke wanted to watch Food Network reruns despite Lexa knowing nothing about cooking. It was just enough to be there and cuddled and relaxed and content. It also didn't hurt that Clarke's body was so warm and she looked amazing in Lexa's old Columbia tshirt.

Lexa may have been torn, they may have no clue what would happen next, but she knew without a doubt that she was completely Clarke’s, too.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Board meetings...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I was taking double loads of doctoral course work this semester (to complete a year early) and after writing five intense research papers and proposals, I did not want to look at a computer for a while.

Chapter Nine

 

“It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.”

-Chris Isaak, “Wicked Game”

 

* * *

 

In spite of the public rumors of their burgeoning relationship, Lexa did not deny anything to her board members when asked directly. She merely mentioned that her personal life was handled and private and not up for discussion. They had more important things to focus on that did not involve who she shared a bed with once she left her office. Sure, the Costia thing would always haunt her, but Lexa realized just how much more she felt for Clarke. How mature and passionate and consuming their relationship had become. It was easier to convince the board members that Clarke was not a threat to their bigger picture because Clarke was a not a musician so there was no risk of a repeat of Costia. Instead, Clarke’s presence in her life was only making her stronger and more confident. Lexa would no longer let what happened with Costia dictate her personal life decisions.

 

She only felt slightly guilty for indicating that a relationship with Clarke would only make their company look better because she was a successful surgeon, who also happened to be a politician’s daughter. That may not be why she wanted to be with Clarke, but Lexa was smart enough to recognize the added benefits. Of course, she understood logically why an arranged relationship was beneficial to her and the company’s image, but Lexa really did refuse to believe that was why she was drawn to the other woman. After all, she had initiated first contact with the intention of flirting with a beautiful woman. Neither of them had any way of knowing that their first failed contact would lead to something that felt this amazing. Cliché or not, Lexa felt more inspired and stronger these past almost four months of knowing Clarke. Even if her upbringing and position told her to be careful and avoid matters of the heart, Lexa found she wanted to do the complete opposite. With Clarke, Lexa finally felt like she was something other than her father’s daughter and the head of a multibillion dollar record company. She was finally understanding what it meant to be…just Lexa.

 

Anya and Gustus had requested a brief lunch meeting to discuss “the Clarke thing,” but Lexa declined, stating there was nothing to actually discuss. She was enamored by the other woman and wanted to continue seeing her. She had managed to fall in love with Clarke, despite her efforts to avoid any feelings whatsoever. The past three months had proven her downfall. She didn’t want her family to try and talk her out of finally doing something for herself. Surprisingly, Anya was the only one who voiced her concern, while Gustus seemed to have a knowing smirk. Lexa was afraid her feelings were written all over her, and she doubled her efforts to appear outwardly stoic. Still, Gustus smirked. She wanted to call him out on it, but she honestly didn’t want to hear what he had to say.

 

Besides, she had other pressing matters to concern herself with: the upcoming meeting with Mount Weather school board _and_ the potential coup she sensed happening in her ranks. If she happened to enjoy Clarke’s company more often than usual, it was only because Clarke’s shifts at the hospital were long and her place was closer than Clarke’s apartment, which meant they spent more nights together than apart now. It got to the point where it was strange not to have Clarke beside her when she woke up in the morning. It also got the point where Lexa forgot what it was like to not feel satisfied and relaxed when she woke up in the morning. Their bodies and minds just seemed to fit together perfectly, and Lexa loved how vocally approving Clarke was in bed, despite her friends’ claims that she was actually quiet.

 

The night before the school board meeting seemed to trigger Clarke’s anxiety. She laid in bed and couldn’t stop babbling about all the potential things that could go wrong. When she would get upset about something, her brow would furrow and Lexa would just lean over and run her fingertips along it to soothe it away. When Clarke let out a deep sigh, Lexa knew she was coming back to her senses. She leaned over her body to pull Clarke into a kiss, hoping that a nice orgasm would help to alleviate some of that stress.

 

Clarke was starting to hum in approval as Lexa felt her give into her advances. Until she didn’t and pulled away suddenly. “What if we’re wrong? What if they completely reject our proposal?”

 

“It’ll work.” Lexa just smiled, willing her heartbeat to slow and give Clarke what she really needed instead of what Lexa constantly craved. “You should rest, Clarke. Wasn’t that the point of you coming over tonight? Tiring yourself with questions already asked and answered is a waste of energy.”

 

“I’m being silly. I know. I just worry. All of our planning and mode of attack could be for naught. I just…I need this to work.” Clarke rolled over on her side, the covers falling down her body and exposing her naked breasts to the cold air in the bedroom. Lexa tried to maintain eye contact and not notice when Clarke’s nipples immediately hardened upon the exposure. She bit her lip and willed herself to stay calm. They really would need to get some sleep soon.

 

“Plans don’t last long in battle, Clarke.” Lexa propped herself up on her elbow and leaned over to kiss Clarke again, only this time with more loving intent than anything sexual. She ran her fingers along Clarke’s bare arm, making her way to trace her collarbone. Clarke’s increased breathing and closed eyes let her know her soothing tactics were working. “With our people working together, we’re going to win this war, Clarke.”

 

Even though they both knew there was only so much time they had left if they planned on getting any rest, neither of them stopped the touches and kisses and continued explorations. Lexa was never happier that Clarke had packed a bag to stay and get ready there instead of going home. She would have to seriously consider cleaning out part of her closet and maybe a drawer soon if they kept this up. Surprisingly, Lexa found that didn’t frighten her, even though it would be the first time she allowed someone that privilege. Even Costia didn’t get that far with her before she had left her. Lexa was actually happy that it would get to be Clarke.

 

The following morning found them in a similar situation, unable to stop touching one another, even throughout breakfast and Titus’s purposeful eye rolls.

 

Once they reached the school, they were greeted by Senators Griffin and Kane, as well as Octavia and some of the kids Lexa recognized from the benefit. Some of the kids came up to thank her for inviting some of her acts, claiming they never expected to “party with their idols.” She just nodded politely and let them know her performers enjoyed the event, despite knowing at least some people who were upset about her commands. Senator Griffin greeted them and wished them luck. Octavia hugged them both, and Lexa surprisingly let her even though her body immediately went tense at the unexpected contact.

 

The meeting began and the room was packed full of reporters and supporters, but there were other things on the agenda for the school board first. While they waited, Lexa noticed that Clarke’s confidence started to waver as her legs started to shake. Lexa leaned her chair closer, their thighs brushing together. She wanted to hold her hand but thought this would not be an appropriate place for such an intimate gesture, so she did what she could without causing notice from others but still be effective for the woman beside her.

 

“I’m doing it again.” Clarke whispered to her. Lexa just nodded and turned her attention back to the discussion in the front of the room, something regarding budget for the new computer lab. She was beginning to think the only thing they talked about in school board meetings was the budget and money without much regard for the people it affected when things were cut. This was a world Lexa understood, and she was not surprised to find her initial thoughts regarding school programs was somewhat accurate. It was almost harsher than the business world, and these people only seemed to understand money. At least she knew not to argue with Clarke about it now, though she was beginning to think Clarke liked to argue sometimes because she was too stubborn to admit she was wrong about things. That stubbornness only endeared her to Lexa more because that only meant she was passionate about things, and wasn’t that what got them here in the first place?

 

When they were called to present their proposal, Clarke cleared her throat loudly, causing everyone to look at them as they made their way to the podium. Lexa had been part of so many meetings like this that it appeared to go smoothly. The crowd clapped when they made particularly compelling points and booed the scowls and objections from the various board members seated in front of them. Based on the faces of some of the board members, their meeting was going longer than usual, so Lexa wasn’t surprised when they called for a recess. Once the members stood, the room seemed to come alive with a cacophony of sound and movement. Clarke just turned to Lexa, a hopeful look in her eyes. Lexa desperately wanted to kiss her in that moment because there seemed to be hope and confidence there. Even though there were reporters scattered, she still moved forward to squeeze her hand in reassurance that they were doing well.

 

While Clarke was distracted by her mother and Octavia, Lexa excused herself to the restroom. It was more of a need to be out of the stuffy, overcrowded room than any actual need to use it. Clarke just nodded and said she’d meet her out there in a few so they could talk before the meeting started again.

 

What Lexa didn’t expect to find on her way to the restroom was Emerson, one of the board members who had sat quietly throughout the meeting. He was talking to Superintendent Wallace, who merely nodded upon seeing Lexa approaching the doors, before retreating into the men’s room. Before she had a chance to do the same to the ladies, Emerson blocked her path.

 

“I believe we need to have a discussion, Ms. Woods.” He held his arm out to keep her from escaping into the bathroom. The last thing she wanted to do was have a conversation with this man in private. “I believe I have something you should seriously consider before this meeting moves forward.”

 

“Whatever you have to say to me, I suggest you say and let me on my way. It has been a long day, and I doubt the other board members would appreciate more delay.” Lexa steeled her jaw and straightened her posture. He was taller, but she obviously held more power than he did.

 

“The school board will not falter in their principles and decisions, so you should know this effort and show is for nothing.” He had this anger in his eyes despite his smirk. Lexa would have wanted to chuckle if she wasn’t able to recognize how dangerous this man made himself appear. She knew she had to be careful, so she stopped herself from reacting or arguing. If this had been Clarke he had approached, the other woman would have immediately started arguing. It was clear that Emerson knew this, too. “However, I believe we can make a deal.”

 

“I highly doubt what you offer me is worth my time.” Lexa scoffed lightly, recognizing that this meant that the board felt threatened. Why else would they send Emerson to try and make a deal? That only made Lexa feel pride at what she and Clarke had accomplished because they meant they had a chance to make a difference.

 

“You seem awfully close to Dr. Griffin. Your picture in the magazine was quite flattering.” His tone was saccharine, and Lexa’s senses went on full alert.

 

“What’s your point?” She no longer wanted to laugh at this man.

 

“Mr. Wallace is a certain kind of man. He has various connections that could make certain things happen.” So, this was why he approached her. He thought he could threaten her into backing down.

 

“Again, what’s your point?” She felt herself reverting to her calming tactics, as her jaw moved from side to side to keep from yelling at him. All she wanted to do was yell at him and show him who had the power here. That she could also be a certain kind of woman if her loved ones were threatened.

 

“Back down from this ridiculous show or more people will suffer than just these programs.” His smirk had since disappeared, and the anger in his eyes fully surfaced. He was no longer hiding behind niceties and was showing his true intentions.

 

“Are you threatening me?” There was no doubt that it was.

 

“I’m merely suggesting that you could prevent certain things from happening. After all, it is an election year, and I’d hate for Senator Griffin’s campaign to completely implode on itself. Young Octavia hasn’t made tenure yet, either, and I’d hate for it to be impossible for her to get another job somewhere else.” He smiled again, and Lexa felt her nostrils flaring. She really wanted to yell but knew that was why he approached her in the hallway. If she were to yell and cause a scene, then that would mean he was able to show that the more logical of the two making a case against the budget cut were unstable. She was the one in the music industry, so if she made a scene, then that would only show the rest of the board that going into that business was unstable and needed to be cut. What he didn’t account for was that she had played this game for far too long not to be good at it. “Well, maybe a McDonalds with the rest of her students who will have no more hope for something better.”

 

“So, you’re threatening me. What does this accomplish?”

 

“I also believe Dr. Griffin is in her early stages of residency? Doesn’t she need to complete this so she can pass her boards? I would hate to see such a promising career go to waste.”

 

“I highly suggest you get to your point.”

 

“It’s simple. Back down.”

 

“And if I don’t?” They just stared at each other, and Lexa realized that Dante Wallace was still in the bathroom. He was no doubt hearing this entire exchange and was perhaps the one to put Emerson up to it.

 

“Tell you what, I’m a generous man. I’m sure that I can convince Mr. Wallace that a generous donation from your company would benefit the school greatly and save the programs you so desperately want saved for another year. He’s already aware of your successful donations to Trikru schools, so I’m sure it won’t be hard to convince him. It’s a win-win for both parties. Nothing happens and you get to be the hero.”

 

“Hero isn’t a word I’d use.”

 

“Okay, so the martyr, then. You get to save the day and prevent anything bad from happening to your people. I can already tell you’re going to take the deal, so no need for any further banter.” How would he know she was going to take the deal? Of course it was a good solution, but it wasn’t permanent. That only meant he was serious about messing with Clarke’s career and her mother’s and Octavia’s. He had Lexa backed into a corner, and he knew it. Money didn’t solve everything; Clarke had taught her that. But she would be damned if she let anything happen to Clarke. She didn’t need to call his bluff because the look in his eyes and the fact that Dante Wallace was still behind that door meant he was serious. She would regret this, she knew, because by saving Clarke and her friends, Lexa would most likely lost Clarke herself. Martyr was definitely more accurate, but she couldn’t live with herself knowing that she could have done something.

 

“No harm whatsoever comes to any of these people, and these programs and the teachers are absolutely saved. If I find out otherwise, I highly doubt your threats will hold much weight. This doesn’t mean you won the war.” It was a well-played move. He trapped her into making a decision without much of a choice. When she saw Clarke approaching them, Lexa knew she’d made the right decision for everyone. They would all be safe and the programs would be saved. They could eventually regroup and plan even further, perhaps take the battle to a larger scale. She made the right decision for everyone. Seeing Clarke’s smile, Lexa realized it was the right decision for everyone but herself.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke felt high. That was the only way she could explain it, and even though she only had a handful of experiences as an undergrad with a few joints and bowls, this was much better. There was no explaining how good this felt. She saw the looks on the board members faces, and she knew they had done something right. Even though she already knew it, she and Lexa were an unstoppable force together. They just seemed to…fit.

 

And it didn’t hurt that Lexa was beautiful and smart and sexy. It was extremely hard to keep her hands to herself because all Clarke wanted to do was follow Lexa to bathroom and have a celebratory quickie in a stall. Knowing this couldn’t happen only meant the anticipation until they were able to find themselves alone would be explosive. Clarke very much looked forward to that celebration.

 

There was no doubt that she had fallen for Lexa. That much was clear to Clarke, and she felt loved in return. The other woman didn’t know she was doing it, most likely, but she was so gentle and patient and accommodating. Clarke had never felt more respected or listened to in her life. While the sex was amazing, their pillow talk was more intimate, and Clarke found herself craving Lexa all of the time. Even though Lexa proclaimed that love was weakness, showing love to someone was definitely one of her strengths. Perhaps now that this was almost over, they could sit down and actually have the conversation about what they wanted to be to each other. Because Clarke realized she would not mind something lasting. That should scare her more than it did, but it just felt right instead.

 

 When the board meeting took a recess, Lexa obviously needed air, so Clarke quelled her desire to jump her in the school bathroom. When she hadn’t returned and the board members, save for Dante Wallace and Carl Emerson, Clarke was concerned something was wrong or that she had gotten lost. The latter only made Clarke chuckle because Lexa would never admit to being lost. She was stubborn, and that only made Clarke love her more. It meant she was adamant about her convictions, and wasn’t that what got them here in the first place?

 

 After giving Lexa two more minutes, Clarke couldn’t wait any longer. Maybe there was just a long line in the bathroom, but just in case something was wrong, she needed to find her. When she saw her standing outside the bathroom, her earlier thought about a quickie came back to her and she couldn’t help her smile as she approached her. Then, she recognized Carl Emerson standing next to her. Lexa did not look happy. If he was hurting Lexa, Clarke would punch him in the face, decorum be damned. She just doubled her pace and interrupted their obviously heated and tense conversation, wanting to place her hand on Lexa’s back to calm her but knowing she probably shouldn’t give anything away just yet. Rumor columns and pictures could talk all they wanted, but it was up to them to decide to announce when they were official.

 

“What is this?” Clarke felt her heart beat in her ears, knowing they were red. Lexa couldn’t look her in the eyes, and Clarke was afraid of what she’d find if she did. Lexa’s jaw was jutted and tight, and Clarke recognized this as her holding in her feelings. There was no way it was this easy. “They’re surrendering.”

 

“Not quite.” Emerson didn’t break eye contact, and his smug grin only made Clarke narrow her eyes. Of all of the people in that board meeting, Emerson was the one she wanted to smack the most. Of course he would be the one who was coming out to give them news. He looked over at Lexa, and Clarke followed. Lexa was now making strong eye contact, her jaw even tighter but her eyes giving her away. Nobody else could probably see it, but Clarke had spent months watching Lexa and staring into her eyes, so she recognized that tiny spark of sadness. And guilt. That’s when she realized that something was wrong.

 

Looking at Lexa, seeing that broken look behind her eyes hidden by pride and stoicism, Clarke knew something bad had happened here. She really wanted to punch Emerson now. Whatever he said or did made Lexa look guilty of something, and was almost afraid to ask but knew she needed to. “What did you do?”

 

“What you would’ve done. Save my people.” Lexa’s jaw was steeled, and Clarke wondered if she had said that to convince herself or not. Because it sure did nothing to convince Clarke.

 

“You made the right choice, Ms. Woods.” Emerson made a show of placing his hand on Lexa’s shoulder, as though they were comrades in arms now. Lexa’s jaw appeared to tighten and her nostrils flared. Clarke knew her own expression was similar. That’s when Dante Wallace appeared from behind the men’s restroom door, nodding to Emerson as they made their way back towards the board meeting.

 

As soon as they were alone in the hallway, Clarke turned towards Lexa again, wanting and needing answers to what just happened. They had done well in there. They were about to go back in and finally make a difference. Her mother was sitting in there, waiting for them to recommence their meeting. Octavia was sitting in there, waiting to find out if she got to keep her job. Some of the kids and their parents were in there, waiting to find out if they got to keep their programs.

 

It was obvious Lexa had made some sort of deal, and Clarke felt sick to her stomach. She was torn between spitting at Lexa, slapping her, or pushing her against a wall. Part of her wanted to sit calmly and find out if they could fix this, what exactly the deal was, but that part of her was not thinking clearly at the moment. All she knew was that she felt betrayed, and she didn’t even know why yet.

 

“What about my people? Octavia. The kids. What happens to them?” Clarke knew her voice sounded smaller than she intended. She wanted to convey her anger that Lexa would take any kind of deal, but she needed to know what the deal was first.

 

“I’m sorry, Clarke. I did what I had to do.” Lexa reminded her slightly of when they had first met. When Lexa was all business. “They’re safe for now. Octavia keeps her job and the kids get to keep their program for another year. Coalition Records is donating to the school in exchange for another year of programs.”

 

“Another year? This isn’t a solution. It’s just slapping a Band-Aid over the problem. What happens next year? Are you going to donate every year?” Clarke believed that Lexa probably would do that, if she could, but she had spent enough hearing her talk about her company to know that it was more complicated than that.

 

“That’s up for the board to decide. I can’t make any promises without consulting my members. For now, this is what I could do.”

 

“What you could _do_? Lexa, this isn’t what we talked about. What about all of those plans we made? Were they for nothing?” Clarke was opening and closing her fists, trying to calm herself down, but she wasn’t trained at this like Lexa was. She couldn’t contain her emotional responses, and right now, she had emotion overload happening. This felt worse when she found out Finn was cheating on her. “Was…was it all for nothing?”

 

“Clarke, I…” Lexa stepped forward, but Clarke found herself backing away.

 

“No. Save it. I don’t want to hear it.” She didn’t want Lexa to comfort her or explain why she broke their promises. It felt like it was breaking more than just all of their work. “This is exactly what you wanted from the beginning, but this solves nothing. I thought we’d finally agreed that business tactics aren’t going to make a difference; you have to have the politics, too.”

 

“I did what was necessary.”

 

“You just made the decision by yourself. I thought we were partners.” So, she settled on anger. It was an emotion she could handle and deal with right now. “What about what you said last night? What about our two people coming together to win this war? Was that for nothing? Was that all a lie?”

 

“Clarke…”

 

“No. I…just no. This isn’t happening right now. You just ruined our chances of saving these kids. You know that money won’t all go to the programs. But you don’t care about that, do you?”

 

“I do care, Clarke. But I made this choice with my head and not my heart.”

 

“Please don’t do this.” It wasn’t begging; it was a plea. Because this was more than just making a deal with the enemy. This was more than money. How could she not take this personally? How could she continue any type of relationship with Lexa without this looming over them? Lexa was always going to be business first, and Clarke felt like a fool to think she believed otherwise.

 

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” They just stood in the hallway, the sounds of the people inside the room waiting. Clarke just stared at Lexa, unable to believe this was the woman she had fallen in love with. Unable to believe that she’d give up everything they’d planned, everything they had become to each other, just to help her business. Clarke had to fight back her tears, both from rage and heartbreak, because she was having difficulty breathing in that moment. “May we meet again.”

 

Lexa broke eye contact finally and left Clarke standing in that hallway alone, walking away with such strength that it was harder to reconcile this morning’s Lexa with the woman who had just left her. Clarke knew Lexa didn’t walk back into the board meeting, and she wasn’t able to, either.

 

Her mother and Octavia had found her on the floor while people were dispersing, and Clarke briefly heard them say that they won and that their budget wasn’t being cut. They didn’t know what had happened. Technically, neither did Clarke. She knew what she needed to know, though. It wasn’t about the money or saving these people anymore. Lexa taking that deal probably did save the programs, but that wasn’t what mattered. Not anymore.


	10. Chapten Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Bells will be ringing, the glad glad news/Oh, what a Christmas to have the blues."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I needed to regroup in my mind before I did my revisions for the second half of the story, post-betrayal.

Chapter Ten

 

“I’ve done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins.”

-Fiona Apple, “Criminal”

* * *

 

 

The holiday season was upon them. When Thanksgiving rolled around, Lexa had opted to stay at the office to continue working instead of going to her family dinner. Gustus and Anya both scolded her. Indra even gave her a slight disapproving glare or two. But she stayed busy. She had to, or she felt like she would combust.

 

She didn’t like to think of herself as a martyr. What she’d done was both stupid and necessary. What if Dante really would have ruined Abby, Clarke, and Octavia’s careers? Lexa knew she couldn’t live with herself if she had a chance to stop it and did nothing just because she didn’t want to lose Clarke herself. While she would have told Clarke everything, the other woman wouldn’t give her a chance to explain at all. Lexa had tried calling and had even sent flowers a few times, but she knew she wouldn’t hear from Clarke. The woman was too stubborn and angry at her to respond. Still, Lexa had wanted to try. In a few moments of weakness, she had wanted to try. To try and fix things and explain why it was necessary. But could or would Clarke really be able to forgive her for this? Lexa hoped so because these past six weeks had been like the worst kind of torture. Having Clarke and then having her stripped away was like her own personal hell. Still, Lexa wouldn’t have changed a thing. Not about any of the moments they spent together and definitely not about her decision.

 

Martyr. She was learning to hate that word. Her father had even written a few songs with that word in them, but no song had ever truly gotten the feeling right. No song lyrics had ever been able to convey the loneliness and heartache that follows any such act.

 

At least the contract she had setup with her lawyers before she wired the money to the Mount Weather School District was strict on where the money could be allocated. Only 10% was allowed to be used anywhere else besides the arts programs and Octavia Blake was to be placed on the fast track for tenure in the next year review. At least she could save somebody. Lincoln had been adamant in his wordings, ensuring that should the school district renege on their deal, they would be charged a hefty fine and the board members would all be placed under serious review and scrutiny. Part of Lexa really hoped they did break contract because that would definitely show Dante Wallace and Carl Emerson who had the real power here.

 

Lincoln was surprised that Lexa was specific about Octavia’s tenure being in the contract. Apparently, they had met in the lobby a few times and talked while the ladies and Clarke waited on Lexa to be finished with work before they all went to dinner. Apparently, Octavia’s secret boyfriend who Clarke and Raven kept trying to figure out was right under Lexa’s nose the whole time. Throughout this entire situation, Lincoln had become the best confidant to her. He told her the truth about the situation while still scolding her. It was endearing and much better than the “you are what you are” and the “you did what needed to be done” comments from everyone else around her. Lincoln didn’t try to make her feel about herself, and for that, she considered him a close friend despite their purely professional dealings in the past.

 

In fact, he had nowhere else to be on Christmas Eve, so he all but forced Lexa to stop working and go out with him into the city. They had gone to Rockefeller Plaza to see the angels and the tree, which Lexa had never stopped to appreciate in her entire life in the city. He dragged her to dinner at the Olive Garden in Times Square. She didn’t like it, but she nodded and ordered a bottle of wine anyways to celebrate good friends. After years of eating whatever Italian food Titus made (who was actually from Northern Italy), Lexa was a bit jaded about going to Italian restaurants. After dinner, they just stood in Times Square wrapped in their scarves and coats despite the surprisingly warm winter weather. They watched people walking and smiling and happy about the holidays. They saw Santas galore and a person dressed as the Grinch and a Minion with a Santa hat. The only thing Lexa saw was how much she wished she was doing this with Clarke instead. Fucking martyrdom.

 

After Lincoln had allowed her to go home for the evening, Lexa went into her apartment, not a single decoration other than a candy cane and a present from Titus sitting on her kitchen island. She knew it was a book on leadership; it was what he got her every year. She was supposed to meet Anya and Gustus the next day, but they never exchanged gifts. Lexa hadn’t had a true Christmas since her father died, since her mother had committed suicide before the next holiday season rolled around. Instead, Gustus always took the girls (and later Nyko) to a local soup kitchen to help served holiday meals to the homeless, stating that they had the means to get each other gifts if they wanted but the true gift was to give and help others who didn’t have that luxury. As far as his teachings went, it was one of his better ones. Lexa honestly looked forward to it, though her heart was a little less in it this year. For good reason. It was her own damn fault her heart was broken. Why couldn’t she be selfish? Why couldn’t she keep Clarke? Surely they could have found a way to counterattack if Dante had tried anything. Surely Abby had a dedicated crew of people prepared for any ad hominem attacks. Surely Octavia and the kids could have developed after school programs or something to keep going. Surely Clarke was too far advanced and smart for anything to happen to her residency.

 

Lexa was tired of what ifs. She had been struggling with them for six weeks now. She had lost Clarke. _She_ had lost Clarke. Maybe she had saved everyone, maybe not, but it was her actions that made Clarke stop talking to her.

 

That didn’t keep her from sending Clarke a present, though. It wasn’t much. Just a copy of _When Harry Met Sally_ , to remind her of their first date and that they were happy once. Still no word, though, and Lexa honestly didn’t expect anything less.

 

Instead, she found herself on a Christmas Eve, home alone and staring at the back of her closet. Her guitar was back there. She hadn’t touched it in years. She wasn’t sure she wanted to touch it now, but for some reason, she found herself in her closet staring at it. It was one of the last things her father had given her the Christmas before he passed. Maybe she was being overly sentimental because of all of those people in the city tonight. Maybe because she had a friend who was willing to drag her out to see those people. Maybe because she missed her father. Maybe because she missed Clarke.

 

Whatever the reason, she was pulled out of her staring, not knowing how long she had been there, when she heard the front door open. Logically, it would be Titus, but most likely, it was Anya, who liked to stay on her couch Christmas Eve, claiming that her father and Nyko were being disgusting with the mistletoe all around the house. Lexa had never seen them decorate with mistletoe or even a tree, so she doubted that and just accepted that her cousin wanted to spend time with her.

 

“Little Lex. I’m here! Did Titus make those sugar cookies for tomorrow?” Anya found her in her bedroom, changing into her pajamas and pretending like she wasn’t just standing in her closet for possibly hours. “It’s way too warm outside for it to be December.”

 

“I know. I think people are wearing their scarves and whatnot just to make it feel more like Christmas.” Lexa pulled on her pants and turned off her closet light, brushing her fingers through her long wavy hair to pull it from her tshirt. They both fell onto Lexa’s bed, leaning against the headboard like they did when they were younger. It felt weird having someone other than Clarke in her bed. It was just her cousin, but it still felt wrong.

 

“You still moping about Griffin?” Anya was the most vocal about telling Lexa she needed to move on. She had even tried to set up Lexa on a few dates with local socialites, but Lexa hadn’t shown to either date, instead opting to bury herself in work. It’s how she knew to avoid her emotions and problems. And the business was better for it anyways. They were going to land way up in the green this quarter thanks to some rearranging. She just knew she had to fix the Nia Queen problem soon or it would keep getting worse.

 

“Victory stands on the back of sacrifice. I lost her, but I managed to give her what she wanted all along.” Lexa glared at Anya and hoped she didn’t get her an escort for Christmas like she had threatened.

 

“Did you ever think you could’ve had both?” Anya sounded like she almost was sad about the situation, but Lexa knew better. She was just trying to be sympathetic, possibly preparing for tomorrow’s soup kitchen by softening up now. “I mean, the love life and the business life.”

 

“I couldn’t. You’ve all taught me that over the years. I should’ve learned with Costia, but with Clarke…it was real. I…I wanted and needed to do everything in my power to give her everything she ever wanted, even if that meant losing her in the process.” Lexa closed her eyes and willed herself not to cry. She had successfully not cried in front of anybody about this and she refused to start now. It was just the sentimentality of the holidays that surround her today. She was just overwhelmed from being around it.

 

“I think Dad and Nyko are actually in love.”

 

“They are.” Lexa knew Anya was just saying this just to be saying it. They both knew this to be true for a while now. It was even more obvious to Lexa when she was with Clarke. She had truly fallen in love with Clarke, so it was easier for her to spot it in others. “Does that bother you?”

 

“You’re right. We’ve been taught we can’t have both, but then…I don’t know. I see them and I think, ‘why not?’ What harm does it really do if you find a worthy partner that you actually enjoy spending time with?” The key point there was “worthy,” and Lexa didn’t want to know her cousin’s view on if the partner wasn’t “worthy.” What really constituted if a person was really worth the effort, though? Didn’t the heart decide that for you? Was it money? Prestige? Power? Couldn’t it be more than that? Clarke may have had those things, but she was so much more than that. It was a conversation for another day, though.

 

“What brought this on all of a sudden?”

 

“Your mopey ass these past almost two months. You were all commander hearteyes for months and then suddenly, this thing happens, and I don’t know, you’re…less. I think the board members sense it to. They think she made you weak.”

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been stronger than I was when I was with her.”

 

“See? Commander Hearteyes. You’re ridiculous. Almost worse than my dad right now.”

 

“I like Nyko and so do you. You could have worse father-in-laws. Much better than the alternatives. Do you remember Niylah’s father? That was a disaster when Gustus dated him.”

 

“Ugh. Niylah’s father.” Anya turned to Lexa and smirked at her. Of course she would go there. “Hey. Why don’t you give Niylah a call? You two haven’t hooked up since dad found you canoodling her in the den that one time.”

 

“Did you just say ‘canoodling?’ Who even says that?”

 

“I do. Don’t change the subject. If we’re going to get you over Griffin, we have to get you on the right path. That means getting laid. Rebound sex. You said Niylah was good before, even went back for seconds after her father and dad broke it off.”

 

“That’s…I’m not…just…”

 

“Sex is a natural thing. Never bothered you before.”

 

“That was before.”

 

“Don’t give me some ‘nothing else can compare to Clarke’ bullshit. It’s just sex, Lex.”

 

“It’s never just sex.”

 

“Isn’t it?”

 

“I respected every woman I ever touched. I won’t demean their presence in my bed by thinking of somebody else while they are there.” Lexa ran a hand over her face to calm her blushing. The last woman who had shared this bed with her had been Clarke, and the touching had been extremely intimate and loving. How could she not compare everyone else to Clarke after that? “Maybe someday. Just…not now. I’m still working through some things. With Clarke…it was intense. I can’t just erase that by sleeping with someone else.”

 

“If you say so.” Anya just chuckled before finally kicking off her shoes and crawling under the covers. So much for the couch. Looks like they were trying something new.

 

“I do.” Lexa hoped she meant it, but really, she wasn’t so sure.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke hadn’t slept with this many people since her college days. Ever since she graduated undergraduate, she had taken to serious dates or just the occasional casual dating that sometimes led to sex. Okay, so there weren’t that many this time around, either. Just five.

 

At first, she only targeted men. They were easier to kick out in the morning, except the third guy, who reminded her of Wells and refused to leave until she agreed to go on a date. Luckily, Raven had come home and kicked him out by pretending to have caught her “wife” cheating with some random guy. He immediately left after that. Clarke was never more grateful for her best friend and stayed up with Raven the rest of the night and let her talk physics for hours uninterrupted.

 

The first girl was the easiest. Her name was Ontari, and she worked at Coalition somehow. Apparently, she didn’t like Lexa much, either, so they bonded over their distrust and dislike and wound up fucking for hours until Ontari dressed and left without needing to be asked. Clarke appreciated that and had called her two more times for a repeat, but after that, they were bored with each other and moved on.

 

When Bellamy offered to help her, too (something he had offered before after her breakup with Finn), Clarke felt like punching him and instead found a girl in the bar who she convinced herself did not look like Lexa at all. When she woke up the next day to a head of long burly brown hair buried in the pillows, Clarke’s immediate instinct was to roll over and trace the tattoo down her spine. But found nothing there and woke up in a panic, sending the woman on her way after a polite shared bagel and coffee and a wish for a happy holidays. Christmas was tomorrow, after all.

 

Honestly, Clarke was tired of sleeping with people. While it felt good at the time, she started to feel empty afterwards. Like something big was missing. She knew what it was, but she refused to acknowledge it because that would mean admitting she really did still love Lexa. She understood the old “sometimes love just isn’t enough” adage. How could she get over what Lexa had done? It was like she had no respect and didn’t care about anything but her business. It was like everything she had ever said to Clarke about them being a team and winning the war together was a lie. She just didn’t know what to believe anymore, but she knew in those moments, when they were spoken, Lexa truly believed what she said. And that’s the only reason she never threw out the flowers or gifts Lexa would send her. Because Lexa really did mean them once upon a time. They just didn’t mean anything now, so Clarke refused to water or care for the flowers and watched them quickly die instead as a reminder that that was how their relationship was. Perhaps it was always doomed to be like that. A quick blossom and an even quicker death.

 

The sex and attention from others definitely helped, but it was just always missing that one thing that made it truly good. Clarke had even tried to tell her lovers to roll their body and mimic what Lexa used to do, but they always fumbled and never got it right, so Clarke just took control instead and made the sessions go quickly.

 

The hardest part was telling her mother and Octavia what had happened. Lexa had left her to deal with the aftermath at the board meeting, and that only made it harder because she didn’t even know what had happened in that hallway. If Lexa had just stayed and fought and talked to her, she might have listened to her. When she called the following week, Clarke felt it was too late for an explanation because the damage was already done. Sure, she saved the programs for another year, but that didn’t mean jack shit because the problem would just keep presenting itself.

 

“I could’ve warned them. I could’ve saved them. If I’d only known that Lexa would… I let my feelings blind me to who she really is. She told me so many times, before we…I just…I didn’t care. I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen.” Clarke had said that so many times to her mother and her friends, she was starting to question her sanity for even pursuing a relationship with the other woman. Lexa Woods was nothing but business first and would always be nothing but business first. This only proved that, so after two weeks, Clarke decided to stop wallowing and get her own life and career back on track. She backed away from her mother’s campaigns for a bit and instead put even more focus and energy into her residency.

 

Having a day off from her residency was strange anymore, and Clarke kept staring at her sketchbook willing herself to draw something. But she was uninspired. It was like Lexa had completely torn the images from her mind that made her want to draw. The one time she did, she hadn’t realized she was drawing a memory of Lexa’s back and tattoos until Raven noticed the infinity tattoo on the neck. What ensued was a long drawn out teasing about how Lexa’s tattoos were hot but that she was a douche for doing what she did and Clarke deserved better. Actually, one good thing came out of this: She had missed her friends and felt close to them again. That much, she was grateful for.

 

Even though it was Christmas Eve, Clarke didn’t need to be at her mother’s house until the evening. She was waiting on Octavia to get home so the three of them could head over there for their yearly Griffin feast and Santa hunt. Even though they were adults, they still liked to stay up all night watching Christmas movies and drinking eggnog and pretending like they were daring Santa to come and interrupt them being naughty by staying up late and imbibing too much alcohol. She knew Lexa didn’t go anywhere on Christmas Eve, so she had looked forward to forcing her to join them. She had even planned on going with Lexa to the soup kitchen tomorrow. They had made all of these plans to be more incorporated in one another’s lives, but Lexa had really, truly screwed that up.

 

Still, Clarke didn’t throw out the movie Lexa had sent her. It was one of her favorites after all, so it would’ve been wasteful to throw it away just to spite the giver.

 

Octavia walked through the door with the biggest grin on her face. She placed her bags down, having done her shopping last minute like she did every year. It’s why Clarke and Raven always wound up with Victoria’s Secret pajamas and lottery scratch offs from the corner store near Mount Weather School.

 

“So, you’ll never believe what Lincoln told me today.” After more coercing from her friends, Octavia had finally revealed her boyfriend’s name. She refused to admit what he did, though, until Raven threatened to hack Octavia’s email and send him all of her photos from junior high school, braces and all. They had met him a few times, and Clarke was only mildly floored to discover they had met at Polis Tower, that he worked for Lexa.

 

“What’s the Lincoln Lawyer up to?” Raven was the one who was the most vocal about her dislike about Lincoln, but they all knew it was because she was not-so-secretly in love with Octavia a little bit and was just jealous of the fact her friend didn’t spend as much time with her. She got over it fast, though. Raven usually did when it came to Octavia.

 

“I know you don’t want to hear this name, but…it’s kind of important to tell this. But Lexa…” Octavia made the effort to look apologetic, and Raven just rolled her eyes. Clarke felt her heartbeat increase. It was like Lexa had become Voldemort around her and was not to be named. Honestly, Clarke would be lying if she didn’t lowkey Google Lexa late at night while drunk, just to make sure she was miserable and not doing good. Of course that was never the case. She was Lexa fucking Woods.

 

“You can tell the story. I’m fine. Over it. See?” Clarke thought she was over the drama and influence in her life that was Lexa Woods. Of course she wasn’t, but she could pretend otherwise.

 

“Well, that deal she made? She had the contract made. Apparently, she made sure it was guaranteed I get tenure, that I will not lose my job.” Octavia was the person who hated Lexa the most after what happened. She was the one who was the most vocal about Clarke getting over her and finding someone “who wasn’t a massive asshat.”

 

“Really?” It was good news for Octavia, but it didn’t really change anything. Did it? No, it didn’t. It couldn’t. Lexa had still made the deal; this changed nothing. Even if it was nice of her to do so.

 

“Yeah, so I go up for tenure this year, and I have to be approved. It’s in the contract. Also, the majority of the money, like most of it, had to go to the arts program, or the donation wouldn’t be made. Looks like your girl picked up a thing or two about politics from you, Griffin.” Octavia dropped her bags on the counter and started to downsize what she’d have to carry to the Griffin’s house before putting her two bags over by the door with the rest of their stuff.

 

“How’d they pull that off?” Raven sat up and stretched, rubbing her leg but obviously trying to be subtle about it. Clarke sensed she was in more pain than she let on some days, but she let it go for now. Her mother would deal with her later if she did it again.

 

“I don’t know. Lincoln explained it in his lawyer-speak at breakfast this morning, but I mostly just nodded. It felt weird, but I told him to thank Lexa for me. I think he said she was working today and he planned on dragging her out. Just reminded me she’s all business and is probably worse than the Grinch.” Octavia chuckled and went to wrap her arms around Raven in a semi-hug. Their close affection and intimacy always made Clarke wish she could be that free and open. “Oh, and the uber is downstairs.”

 

“She’s actually not. They don’t exchange gifts because they don’t need anything and go to the soup kitchen to help out every year. It’s actually kind of nice.” Clarke cleared her throat before standing, refusing to make eye contact. She hadn’t realized she hadn’t bitched about Lexa in the past 24 hours. That one-night stand that left this morning had definitely done a number on her. Her sore muscles as she stood only proved that even more.

 

“Are you defending Lexa? I never thought I’d see that happen ever again.” Raven chuckled slightly, as she moved to grab their coats and hats.

 

“Well, she may be an awful person, but she does do good.” She wasn’t wrong. Lexa and her company and family did do good things. That didn’t mean Clarke had to like her anymore. “I’m glad you’ll get tenure, Octavia. Congrats.”

 

“Thanks! Now, who is ready to spike the Griffin eggnog and get our _Elf_ on?” Octavia picked up her share of the bags and handed Raven one, leaving Clarke to carry the rest. The drive wasn’t really that far, but the holiday traffic may prove otherwise.

 

“Let’s do it.” Raven pumped her free hand in the air and moved to lock the door behind them as they left.

 

They made their way to the Griffin house without annoying the uber driver too much with Octavia’s insistence that they sing carols all the way there and Raven’s consistent pointing out of the various decorations and lights that adorned the city. They even paid the driver extra to pass down sixth avenue on their way so they could get a glimpse of the Rockefeller tree one last time.

 

Once there, they had a nice family dinner and nobody argued much, even as they played the Christmas Bingo her father had made for Clarke when she was younger. It was a tradition to play on Christmas Eve, and she was glad that Marcus was the one to remind them this year. It was strange thinking of him as being her stepfather soon, but he was planning on proposing tomorrow in the most clichéd fashion possible. Clarke found she was happy for her mother because he was a good man and he made her happy.

 

Somewhere between _Elf_ and _Miracle on 34 th Street_, Clarke couldn’t shake the image of what this holiday would have been like with Lexa in it. She had promised to take her exploring and to see everything New York City had to offer during the holidays. She even planned on dragging Lexa to Macy’s to sit on Santa’s lap. So, for just one night, Clarke decided to call a truce in light of the holidays and her helping get Octavia tenure. She picked up her phone and sent a simple “Happy Holidays” text complete with a Christmas tree and a black Santa emoji (because Lexa used to complain that the emojis were all too white-washed and there needed to be more diversity). The almost immediate “Happy Holidays to you and everyone, Clarke” she received in response made her heart flutter, and she allowed it for just a moment. It was just a moment, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> As I am a doctoral student, I will underpromise on updates so that you can be pleasantly surprised whenever I am able to post more often. You should see updates on every other Wednesday. The story is finished; it just needs edited before I post chapters.


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